Location of care home

[DesperateofDevon]

Hi Folks,
I 've started trying to prepare for 'the future' .....an emotional mine field .
We live 2 hours away from my OH kids , when he was diagnosed 3 years ago his son asked if Dad needs a care home where will it be ? Close to kids kids in Hertfordshire or close to me in the south west .
I talked to my OH about it a few times since and he consistently replied 'near his kids'
He has previously said he accepts going into care and doesn't mind to go .
Unexpectedly my OH raised the topic of care homes ....... (With his Lewy body he goes from very muddled to calm and clear ) we had a great discussion but when it came to weighing up here or there we got stuck .

I told my GP about this he thought it would be big upheaval for OH to move far away . Daughter has asked if he was near them would I be able to visit every week and stay over so some one can visit him every day ?

I think it will be very difficult for me if he is 2 hours away and started to wonder what is in ' Our/my best interest , as his needs increase and I'm not able to safely meet them . We still have an affectionate relationship and whilst he is physically well he relies on me for everything else . I'm emotionally exhausted and my life has been completely taken over by his illness .
I've really struggled emotionally since diagnosis and worked hard to find support but it has often been lacking .
This question is a very very troublesome one . I thought I might 'practice' looking at care homes near me but then ........ His daughter 's have POA for finance . No POA for health in place .
Please help . Thank you Nestle X

Hi @nestle, so I am a daughter & I live two hours away from Mum & Dad; also we have done the care home bit & it is near me. Only because no option local to Mum & her own health issues meant it was the only workable option at the time.
My advice is do it. I live spending time with my Dad, even if he doesn’t know my name he knows my face.
I take it it’s your OH children from your post; how lovely that they want you to visit them regularly, & support you both.
Your OH has stated where he wants to be, those decisions can be hurtful but he’s taking the whole situation on board.

Please don’t feel guilty about being exhausted by dementia’s demands on carers & families. Let yourself be helped by an obviously loving unit, who want to help you. You can become your husbands wife again. Weekend trips with your families support - believe me it’s a lonely path being the only person who visits
I’m actually a little jealous...

Accept their help & regain a little of yourself for you.
X

 

[DesperateofDevon]

So, back in June my partner with LBD moved to a care home, its close to his family so his wishes were respected. His family see him every day. I am traumatised by the whole thing and on never ending emotional rollercoaster For me its a 3oo mile round trip , in 12 weeks I have visited 9 times, spending about £130 on petrol per month. I mentioned to his family who have POA for finance that I am struggling with the cost of these trips, first time by telephone.....no response..... second time by WhatsApp message.... no response, hoping they would provide me with assistance to maintain my visits … silly me . My support worker suggests writing, my family suggest reducing number of visits and telling them cant afford it.
My choices are stark......feeling very sad...
Not sure what to do

My Mum & Dad still have a joint bank account. Do you stay with your oh daughter as first post suggested ? Can you not sit and talk face to face with your husbands daughter.
Also surely you have joint assets ...
I hope this is soon resolved for you.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi @nestle
You have been incredibly kind and generous to your husband and his children in respecting his wishes .... and you say they are keeping their word by visiting him, which is promising

I'm sorry though that this has understandably taken its toll on you

I guess they haven't really grasped how much the separation, travelling and loss of every day contact means to you

And financially, they don't see that were your husband near you the costs of their travelling would be spread amongst them, not falling on one person who is now on a much reduced income (I assume)

You've visited often and so hopefully settled your mind that he is well looked after .... so maybe have a break simply to rest and give yourself time to consider what's next

a letter to his children may help, as they haven't picked up on what you have said to them ...could you run it by yours first to see their reaction as you've worked hard to keep a positive relationship so far with his children

easy for me to say this ... spend time with your family and friends ... no-one can know exactly what you're going through but I'm sure they will support you as much as they can

and keep posting here if it helps at all

 

[Xeenies]

Why should he suddenly move near his kids and make it more difficult for you to visit him? What are the kids doing at the moment - how often are they visiting? You're his primary carer and wife, you should decide this, health POA or not. Don't let others bully you into a decision. All my OH's family lived a few hours away, but they very rarely visited. There is no way on earth that I would have allowed anyone to put him into a care home closer to them while at the same time sidelining me!

I agree!!