Where did that come from?

[Unhappy15]

When do you ever cope completely?
My husband has been in care for just over four years now, he no longer speaks but he seems settled in the care home in his own world.
I envy the fact that he is oblivious to everything, I can't settle, I'm becoming reclusive, I don't know what to do or where to go. Just when you feel that you are coming to terms with it all the mind steps in and then you are back to square one,
I was just sitting here not thinking about anything in particular when I could see us out together, it was an outing about 20 years ago but it was so real. II could smell his aftershave, he was almost touchable for a moment and then it was all gone.
Why is it so hard to accept the now and be rational rather than keep wanting what you can no longer have and the pain it causes?

 

[Izzy]

I'm sorry you're having a such hard time @Unhappy15

Why is it so hard to accept the now and be rational rather than keep wanting what you can no longer have and the pain it causes?

I think that's just human nature and I'm sure we're all with you on this.

I understand how easy it would be to become kind of recluse. Since my husband died though I have almost gone the other way. I've sought out every experience I could to get me out of the house and with other people. I'm finding now though that I need to calm that down a bit. I think there's a fine balance and perhaps we both need to find it, although for different reasons. Have you had a look at anything locally like the U3A - University of the Third Age? I've not used it myself but I have heard others on the forum say that it offers some interesting things. It might be an idea to look at something like this to see if there's something you might like to join in.

https://www.u3a.org.uk

It's not easy of course - easy to say, but not to do.

Thinking of you.

 

[Glokta]

I use the U3A classes. They’re good fun, very welcoming and there are other people there caring, or who have cared, for a PWD. You don’t have to do a class, you can go to see films, have a chat, make a cake. It’s really good value.

 

[Xeenies]

Bw

When do you ever cope completely?
My husband has been in care for just over four years now, he no longer speaks but he seems settled in the care home in his own world.
I envy the fact that he is oblivious to everything, I can't settle, I'm becoming reclusive, I don't know what to do or where to go. Just when you feel that you are coming to terms with it all the mind steps in and then you are back to square one,
I was just sitting here not thinking about anything in particular when I could see us out together, it was an outing about 20 years ago but it was so real. II could smell his aftershave, he was almost touchable for a moment and then it was all gone.
Why is it so hard to accept the now and be rational rather than keep wanting what you can no longer have and the pain it causes?

Because you’re a normal human being. My dads had it for at least 6 years and I’ve just taken time off work as I feel I’m ready to have a break down. The idea his life is just a home and nothing else with no memory of anything breaks my heart, I even want to cry writing this!

Your feelings are normal.

 

[Andrew_McP]

Edit: piffle removed. I should type when I've had more sleep. Hope you feel stronger soon. I find walking helps... somewhere green, preferably not Asda.

 

[Philbo]

It is certainly the little things that can start you off.

My wife went in for 2 weeks respite at the end of July but near the end, she got a UTI, ending up in hospital for a week. Her mobility was already starting to get worse but she ended up virtually unable to stand and back in the respite unit for assessment.

We are now waiting for the LA processes to trundle on, having been assessed as needing higher level permanent care in a care home. (still waiting for her case to get before the Adult Care Panel - Friday we hope).

So for the last few weeks, I've been "billy no-mates" at home and after I'd got up for the loo during the night (as you do), walking back into the bedroom I momentarily mistook the turned back duvet, thinking it was my wife curled up in bed. It broke my heart!

 

[Lilac Blossom]

Dear Unhappy - My OH has been in care home for two years so I am in similar "limbo" situation. It's a lonely place to be as people do not understand what it's like - I have had comments like "You are fortunate as you still have him here" but I don't have him - dementia has taken him away from me.

Oh Philbo - I have had those moments too - truly heartbreaking.

(((Hugs))) Lilac