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[Sooe]

Help!!
I feel like I am swimming in a fog - Mum in Law seemingly suffering with dementia, came on SO SUDDENLY, so dramatically, over the last few months, rushed to hospital after 999 being dialed, went in to hosp moaning and talking properly, and fairly strong, 2 visits on and she is a frail old thing who can hardly talk at all - at a total loss for what to do next!!! We want to care for her at home! but can we?? are we strong enough to give up our total life?? and try and adapt our own house to cope!! or thats how it feels right now, she is loved to bits, recently lost her husband last year, then suddenly lost her only live in daughter too - she is already suffering badly with rhumatoid arthritis, wheelchair bound and was unable to do much except transfer to chair etc anyway. God this is an awful awful disease. We are talking round in circles and getting nowhere fast, if we get a carer package it would prob cost as much as a home would cost, would she be happy and cared for, and how long would any money any of us have last!! HELP had to voice my frustration somewhere, no idea where else to go.
My heart goes out to all of you suffering the same questions, a lovely lovely lady, turned into a bad tempered screaming muttering monster at times - and I have a husband who has recently lost the whole rest of his family too - Lost

 

[sheila _2]

Hi Sooe.

My heart goes out to you.. you seem to have a strong bond with your mother-in-law and that is good..Its hard caring for some-one you love regardless of who it is, and with the problems your mother in law has i would suggest that you think very clearly,there will have to be a lot of changes in your house hold and in your relationship with your husband..Maybe you should think about who can care for your mother in law best..and beable to devote 24/7 care because that is what it is going to take, Maybe in your mother in laws heart she would not want to feel that she is a burden ( excuse that word burden i do not mean it to be offensive) to you and your husband. Some kind of care away from the home might in the long run be better for you all, if you choose that route then make sure the placememnt meets your mother in laws standards. To be honest i have to say this i could not look after my mother, i always said i would until i started working in residential care home and i could see how much work was needed to keep the older persons secure and cope with the ever increasing pressure, i could walk away after the end of my shift, but haing a person living with you is an entirely different thing..You will make the right decision but make sure it is a decision that you and your husband can cope with. what ever you choose your mother in law will know that you still love her.

Hope that helps and good luck

sheila x

 

[Sooe]

Thanks

Thanks so much Sheila, half of me says yes I want her with us to love and care for her so that she is aware of how important she still is and half is agreeing with you that it would be nearly impossible to manage, why can't someone wave a magic wand, and at least give us an idea how long she may have to suffer this awfulness, sure she knows whats happening and I just know she would also not want to be a burden (its OK there is no other word can be used!) she seems to have been trying to say goodbye for awhile now with little snippets and stuff she says, even in her clear times - but then that may still be the illness talking - who knows! but thanks for reply and sensible words.

Sooe

 

[Laylabud]

Hello Sooe

I am so sorry you and your Husband find yourself in this situation, like many of us we have to do some soul searching over our loved ones future and what is best for them. My Mum lived with me and started to have memory problems then i noticed she stopped washing and then the Incontinence started which at first i dealt with, then she became doubly Incontinent at times which again i dealt with,then one day she just went bersek and started hitting me, which i found very hard to take, i manged very quickly to get her into an assesment ward and it was confirmed that she had AD. I had her home after 5 weeks and to my shame that lasted 4 days, she was restless, she was hitting me more and i thought how am i going to manage to deal with this situation, Social Services got her into an emergency home as the hospital would not take her back, she got worse as the week went on and eventually the consultant was called out and he had to section her, she went back into hospital and was in there for 10 months until April this year where she has gone into an EMI nursing home.
What you and your husband will have to think long and hard about is how you will cope as the illness progresses, it gets harder and harder. I live with the guilt of putting my lovely mum into a home and i do wonder how she would have been if she was still at home i always promised her that i would never do it, but i have and i now know despite her rapid decline that it was the best thing for her as she is getting 24/7 care, something i know i would have struggled to do. My Husband have been very good throughout this awful ordeal, but one thing you may have to think about yourself, will you Husband despite the fact it is his mum that is ill, will he be able to take her to the bathroom to toilet her and bath her as you might not always be around the home to answer calls of nature, could he do this for his Mum and also would his Mum let her son take care of her this way.
There are so many things for you both to think about and i hope you reach the right decision for Mum and yourself.(I have mentioned the toileting as i know a lot of people find this side of the illness difficult to cope with)There are so many different things to consider. If you do have Mum at home it will effect your life have no doubts about that. Even with your loved one being in a home it also effects your life. I feel for your situation, my love and thoughts are with you.
XX

 

[Sam Iam]

Sooe,
one of the worst points of AD is no-one can predict the time scale of the disease on any one person,its just plain awful and Layla has shown you how it can affect a family, it puts so much pressure on all involved. You & yours must be in turmoil just now. I hope you can come to a decision that suit's your situation. Best wishes. xx

 

[lilacwarm]

hi sooee it is a very hard decision to make and reading your post I am sure you will all decide what the best option is . I t is very hard I know as there is so much to think about and it is an emotional rollercoaster. kind regards