Nursing home dilemma

[OutdoorGal]

Hello again, what do you do when your Dad needs to be moved from his current home as he cannot be managed there but yet no one will take him in another home. I'm at my wits end. I have posted on here before and got a lot of help which I am grateful for. My Dad does not want to be in a home and is fighting it (agitated). He does not think there is anything wrong with him and wants to leave. He has referred to being in prison. He is presenting with challenging behaviour which i think is sheer frustration. You won't do what I want so I'm not doing what you want. I have tried other homes EMI that deal with challenging behaviour but they won't take him due to high falls risk (in excess of 30 falls in his current home apparently that I was not aware of). Some EMI homes are full and we are on a waiting list but on looking around them they are very small/confined units. My Dad needs space to not feel confined although I don't know if we will ever find this requirement.

Do I just bring him home and get support in there practically 24/7. Everyone says I shouldn't but I don't see an answer. He can't stay where he is (not suitably placed) and I can't find another place. We are self funding and I have had no social worker only an on duty social worker for that day. I still don't know why I can't have one. They say everyone gets the same support but I don't feel like I am. I have worked through the whole process and learnt it with not much help from SS. He has vascular dementia, he is incontinent and is recovering from a broken hip sustained in his first care home EMD before being moved to his current nursing home after hospitalisation.

Please can someone advise. Many many thanks.

 

[canary]

People are no longer routinely assigned a SW. What happens is that every time there is a need you will be assigned a new SW (which may not be the same one). So just because you do not have a SW at the moment does not mean that you cannot get one.

Contact SS again about this - there will be a place for him somewhere.

 

[Sirena]

This sounds like a case where an independent social worker would be a big help. A few other members on here have spoken of how useful they have been. Your dad will have to pay, but it sounds as if it will be worth it.

Google 'independent social worker' and you will find a link which will find you a few in your area.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @OutdoorGal
you might also find Admiral Nurses helpful
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
if there isn't a nurse in your area, their helpline advosors have useful information

 

[OutdoorGal]

People are no longer routinely assigned a SW. What happens is that every time there is a need you will be assigned a new SW (which may not be the same one). So just because you do not have a SW at the moment does not mean that you cannot get one.

Contact SS again about this - there will be a place for him somewhere.[/QUOTE

 

[OutdoorGal]

Thank you I have at last found my Dad a place at a new Home. The next question is:

Please can someone tell me whose responsibility it is to move my Dad from one care home to another. I have spent the last few weeks trying to find the right home for my Dad with very little help from Social Services. My Dad had notice served on him as he was in a general nursing home and needed to be in a dementia nursing home and he was presenting with challenging behaviour. The current home say it is not their responsibility to move my Dad. If I have to transport my Dad in my car I am nervous that he will want to go home and will some how resist going anywhere but home. And that is if I can get him in my car mobility wise after breaking his hip and having a hip replacement. How do i handle that? Do I tell him we are going out for the day or tell him he is going for an appointment or simply you are going to a new Care Home. Social Services have said contact the Home they should arrange it.

Any help would be more appreciated.

thank you.

 

[canary]

Yes, contact the new nursing home, they should be able to arrange the transport.

 

[Louise7]

Do I tell him we are going out for the day or tell him he is going for an appointment or simply you are going to a new Care Home.

Hopefully the new home will arrange the transport. If not, I'd avoid using your own car due to the possible safety risks - book a wheelchair taxi if your Dad would be OK in that and then travel with him to the new home.

If the new home arranges the transport could you go on ahead and get his new room looking a bit homely? If he arrives to see you, and some familiar things in his new room, it might help him to settle better. I think what you tell your Dad will be down to how he is likely to take the move/journey. If telling him that you are going out for some tea & cake will work then ask the new home if they can have some tea & cake ready for when he arrives. Probably best to avoid discussing the move in advance, and try not to show that you are nervous about it as your Dad is likely to pick up on that and feel anxious too. Fingers crossed it all goes well for you.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Hopefully the new home will arrange the transport. If not, I'd avoid using your own car due to the possible safety risks - book a wheelchair taxi if your Dad would be OK in that and then travel with him to the new home.

If the new home arranges the transport could you go on ahead and get his new room looking a bit homely? If he arrives to see you, and some familiar things in his new room, it might help him to settle better. I think what you tell your Dad will be down to how he is likely to take the move/journey. If telling him that you are going out for some tea & cake will work then ask the new home if they can have some tea & cake ready for when he arrives. Probably best to avoid discussing the move in advance, and try not to show that you are nervous about it as your Dad is likely to pick up on that and feel anxious too. Fingers crossed it all goes well for you.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Thank you for your reply. That is very helpful. I am going to see what the new home says in the morning, I think they just thought the current home would be doing it.

Many thanks, I really appreciate your response. It is like the blind leading the blind to be honest. I am just really hoping I have chosen the right home this time. Its a mine field trying to do it on your own.

Thanks again.

 

[Louise7]

Yes, it's not easy trying to arrange a move of home on your own - I've been there so know how difficult it can be, especially when social services don't want to know. My Mum's circumstances were slightly different though, in that she needed an urgent move due to safeguarding issues at the home she was in. The home she was leaving told me that they'd arranged transport but when I arrived at her new home she hadn't arrived there. It turned out that when the transport arrived and asked whether Mum needed to be moved in a wheelchair or not the care staff said that they didn't know so the transport left without her. They did know, they were just being awkward as they'd been reported to social services In the end I moved Mum myself in my car but as your Dad has had a broken hip best not to do that in your case. If the new home has been out to assess him and have agreed that they can meet his needs then fingers crossed he soon settles and you won't need another move anytime soon. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Yes, it's not easy trying to arrange a move of home on your own - I've been there so know how difficult it can be, especially when social services don't want to know. My Mum's circumstances were slightly different though, in that she needed an urgent move due to safeguarding issues at the home she was in. The home she was leaving told me that they'd arranged transport but when I arrived at her new home she hadn't arrived there. It turned out that when the transport arrived and asked whether Mum needed to be moved in a wheelchair or not the care staff said that they didn't know so the transport left without her. They did know, they were just being awkward as they'd been reported to social services In the end I moved Mum myself in my car but as your Dad has had a broken hip best not to do that in your case. If the new home has been out to assess him and have agreed that they can meet his needs then fingers crossed he soon settles and you won't need another move anytime soon. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Thank you once again I really appreciate being able to ask for help on this forum.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Hello again, so we are now in the new care home and I feel better that my Dad is now receiving the right care in the right home after 7 months. However, the medication has been stopped which the previous home had prescribed to help with challenging behaviour and my Dad has returned to his feisty self trying to find a way out continually and getting frustrated by all, including me. I am happy he is no longer being medicated but I am just wondering if this frustration to get out will ever subside. I know it is early days (been in new home for one week) but my Dads determined character that never gives up makes me think we are in for a long ride.

Thank you.

 

[Sarasa]

@OutdoorGal , your dad sounds rather like my mum. She still hates being in her care home after four months, and in fact seems to be as unhappy as she was the day she moved in, after seeming to be beginning to feel at home and starting to settle for a bit. The main trouble is she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and of course she could manage at home just as she always has done. Fortunately she doesn't think it is my 'fault' that she is there but that of my nasty boyfriend. I don't have a nasty boyfriend, just a nice husband and he had nothing to do with the move.
She isn't and never has been on any medication for her anxiety and aggressive behaviour but the GP and the memory clinic are in the process of trying to sort something out for her. If your dad needs medication I hope he gets something that helps.

 

[OutdoorGal]

@OutdoorGal , your dad sounds rather like my mum. She still hates being in her care home after four months, and in fact seems to be as unhappy as she was the day she moved in, after seeming to be beginning to feel at home and starting to settle for a bit. The main trouble is she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and of course she could manage at home just as she always has done. Fortunately she doesn't think it is my 'fault' that she is there but that of my nasty boyfriend. I don't have a nasty boyfriend, just a nice husband and he had nothing to do with the move.
She isn't and never has been on any medication for her anxiety and aggressive behaviour but the GP and the memory clinic are in the process of trying to sort something out for her. If your dad needs medication I hope he gets something that helps.

@OutdoorGal , your dad sounds rather like my mum. She still hates being in her care home after four months, and in fact seems to be as unhappy as she was the day she moved in, after seeming to be beginning to feel at home and starting to settle for a bit. The main trouble is she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and of course she could manage at home just as she always has done. Fortunately she doesn't think it is my 'fault' that she is there but that of my nasty boyfriend. I don't have a nasty boyfriend, just a nice husband and he had nothing to do with the move.
She isn't and never has been on any medication for her anxiety and aggressive behaviour but the GP and the memory clinic are in the process of trying to sort something out for her. If your dad needs medication I hope he gets something that helps.

 

[OutdoorGal]

@OutdoorGal , your dad sounds rather like my mum. She still hates being in her care home after four months, and in fact seems to be as unhappy as she was the day she moved in, after seeming to be beginning to feel at home and starting to settle for a bit. The main trouble is she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and of course she could manage at home just as she always has done. Fortunately she doesn't think it is my 'fault' that she is there but that of my nasty boyfriend. I don't have a nasty boyfriend, just a nice husband and he had nothing to do with the move.
She isn't and never has been on any medication for her anxiety and aggressive behaviour but the GP and the memory clinic are in the process of trying to sort something out for her. If your dad needs medication I hope he gets something that helps.

Thank you for that. Yes it does sound exactly the same. My husband is getting the blame as well. In fact it agitates my Dad that much my husband can't go anywhere near. At my Dads previous home he was on medication which left him zonked, sleepy and off balance. The new home said they prefer not to medicate and judging by the fact that we have got my 'feisty' Dad back I think they have taken him off it. It is only his first week in the new home but I'm confident he is now in the right place where his needs can be met, which is such a relief. I'm not sure the desire to leave and go home will ever leave him though and so my visits are stressful but I have to remain positive. We will have to see what the home recommend after his first 4 weeks. Thank you for replying to me and good luck with your mum, its a worry beyond belief isn't it.

 

[Xeenies]

Thank you I have at last found my Dad a place at a new Home. The next question is:

Please can someone tell me whose responsibility it is to move my Dad from one care home to another. I have spent the last few weeks trying to find the right home for my Dad with very little help from Social Services. My Dad had notice served on him as he was in a general nursing home and needed to be in a dementia nursing home and he was presenting with challenging behaviour. The current home say it is not their responsibility to move my Dad. If I have to transport my Dad in my car I am nervous that he will want to go home and will some how resist going anywhere but home. And that is if I can get him in my car mobility wise after breaking his hip and having a hip replacement. How do i handle that? Do I tell him we are going out for the day or tell him he is going for an appointment or simply you are going to a new Care Home. Social Services have said contact the Home they should arrange it.

Any help would be more appreciated.

thank you.

How disgusting that his current home say it isn’t their responsibility, how rude and uncaring. Also how on earth do homes refuse someone due to risk of faking? Provide the support so he doesn’t!!! I’m looking for a care home for my dad and it’s these types of attitudes that upset me. Could you consider bringing him home if he’s so unhappy in a care home??

 

[OutdoorGal]

How disgusting that his current home say it isn’t their responsibility, how rude and uncaring. Also how on earth do homes refuse someone due to risk of faking? Provide the support so he doesn’t!!! I’m looking for a care home for my dad and it’s these types of attitudes that upset me. Could you consider bringing him home if he’s so unhappy in a care home??

I'm sorry that I have only just picked up this reply. I moved my Dad to the new home 2 weeks ago, it went surprisingly well. I ordered a wheelchair taxi and my Dad never asked any questions and we arrived at the new home and he seemed okay. He had enjoyed the ride. He has settled far better in the new home which is a dementia village type home. The staff are great and my Dad has been calm and not agitated whilst he has been there. There is plenty of space to walk around, which he has to have, and if he wants to go out of the unit the staff take him into the internal gardens and into the dementia village. He still wants to leave but all this seems to help passify him. However, at weekend he went down with a chest infection and was admitted into hospital. He has been extremely agitated in the hospital and the threatening behaviour has returned. Hopefully, he will be back at the Care Home in a few days.

As to your question can I bring him home. I ask myself this every single day. If he was at home he would need 24/7 care or else he would not be safe. He would leave his home to try and get to his childhood home, which is what was happening. He did not like carers at his home, he just wanted me. If the carers came he would ask when I was coming. I was trying to hold down my job, run a family and be at my Dads house most of the time. Things just got to much plus my Dad was isolated, he had no interaction with anyone as he was not interested in anything but me. He did not want to socialise with anyone but me. He was incontinent which could not be managed and he continually got urine infections and was ill. The house is not fit for a live in carer which I was advised he would need two people in case he fell as he is extremely at risk from falling after suffering a broken hip which needed a hip replacement. He also needs a knew knee. He will not use a walking frame. So, you tell me am i doing wrong not bringing him home? This troubles me most. Thank you for reading and replying to this.

 

[canary]

Im sorry to hear that your dad has an infection @OutdoorGal . I hope he is indeed discharged soon.
The care home sounds lovely and Im glad he is settling in there.

FWIW, Im sure it was the right thing to do. Home is not always the right place for people with dementia