coping with incontinence at a wedding

[mickeyplum]

This isn't something I've tried myself but have heard of other people doing it: letting OH see that you're wearing pads or incontinence pants and offering him "his" to wear as if it were normal. (If you don't mind wearing them yourself, as a demonstration.)
I've been wearing pads or incontinence pants since I started teaching in prisons. This might sound stupid but to get to the loo from the classrooms you have to unlock a series of doors, there and back, which isn't easy in a 15-minute tea-break. I never actually wet myself, excuse the bluntness, but there was an occasional very slight leak and a pad was SOOO reassuring. Then after my full hysterectomy last year I found myself discussing all sorts of embarrassing stuff with nurses and physiotherapists. You know what? They were great. They'd heard it all before and we had a huge laugh working out lavatory positions and giggling at the horrible colours of underwear.
I'm saying all this to point out that there are skilled people who can talk about embarrassing stuff and suggest really helpful answers.
But I also agree profoundly with LizzieM about lying to save your own sanity. You deserve a lovely day out and your family deserve happy memories of you there.

Wearing pads myself to show solidarity is a brilliant Idea. I'll certainly do that if I end up taking him to the wedding. I just hope he doesn't want to return the favour by wearing a bra and frilly pants.
Sorry to be jokey when incontinence is no joke but I'm trying to hang onto my sense of humour in awful circumstances.
Well done for teaching in prisons in spite of your problem with toilet beaks. You're doing such a worthwhile job

 

[mickeyplum]

A month later and I'm still chasing up someone/anyone who will advise on incontinence, so here I am again with more questions.
It is 4 weeks since my husband's only episode of faecal incontinence and there have been no more 'accidents'. He still knows in good time when he needs a toilet, day or night, so should I ask him to wear a pad or anything at the family wedding, or is this likely to make him lose confidence, or maybe feel he doesn't have to worry if he can't make it to the toilet?
Also, any suggestions for suitable aids - pads or pull-ups? (are either of these ok worn under boxer shorts?)
I was wondering if I should take a waterproof under-sheet for our overnight stay at the hotel, just in case, but where do I buy one, and how big, and which is best.
This all seems so trivial compared with posts other Tipping Point but I do appreciate suggestions.
Thanks

 

[jenniferjean]

A month later and I'm still chasing up someone/anyone who will advise on incontinence, so here I am again with more questions.
It is 4 weeks since my husband's only episode of faecal incontinence and there have been no more 'accidents'. He still knows in good time when he needs a toilet, day or night, so should I ask him to wear a pad or anything at the family wedding, or is this likely to make him lose confidence, or maybe feel he doesn't have to worry if he can't make it to the toilet?
Also, any suggestions for suitable aids - pads or pull-ups? (are either of these ok worn under boxer shorts?)
I was wondering if I should take a waterproof under-sheet for our overnight stay at the hotel, just in case, but where do I buy one, and how big, and which is best.
This all seems so trivial compared with posts other Tipping Point but I do appreciate suggestions.
Thanks

I can't help much as my husband has only just started down the road of incontinence. He's had a couple of accidents where he has wet himself completely. Other times he has only had minor accidents and no faecal incontinence.
Yesterday he had a trip to the hospital for a pre-op and I persuaded him to wear a pull-up to see how he got on with them. He calls them his 'posh pants' and at the moment is happy to wear them. So far he hasn't needed to.
As I said I am only new to this so can't say whether it is likely to make him feel he doesn't have to worry, but I'm willing to take that chance as I would rather be safe than sorry.
My husband didn't want to wear his boxer shorts over the pull-ups so didn't.
As to the waterproof sheet at the hotel, I would if my husband was constantly having accidents but if like yours he's only had the one accident I wouldn't worry.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Maybe you should book a night at the hotel before you go - ahead of the wedding, that way you will be able to see how you & your husband cope with the journey & new environment. At least you will be better aware of his response, & can make an informed decision.

 

[Jessbow]

Go for pull ups under boxers, pads will slip about and be uncomfortable.

Just call them disposable pants, for going away, save washing etc etc.

If you are worrying about the bed, most £1 shops sell puppy tranining pads, which as basically the same thing as disposable bed mats , plastic backed and disposable, just slip one or two under the bottom sheet. The chemist will also sell them, but more expensive ( chair pads?)

I found Boots own brand pulls ups were fine, Most supermarkets sell them too.

 

[LadyA]

Aldi also sell their own brand of pull ups. I got some recently for my mum, and she found them great. Don't know how much they cost in the UK, but here, they are €5.99 for a pack of 9, which is brilliant.

@mickeyplum I took my husband to my daughter's wedding in 2013. But: The church was literally about five minutes from our house. I had one of his daughters and an adult grandson here, and they were assigned to him for the day (in case he'd wander off). He did wet himself right before going to the church, and I had to change him here, but that was no problem, as we were still at home. Between the church service and the reception, his daughter & grandson were able to take him home for a good nap, because the hotel where the reception was being held was, maybe 15 minutes away from home. After the meal, which he really enjoyed, his daughter & grandson took him home.

A lot depends on being able to give your husband breaks from the "busyness" and crowds. And on the help you have available. After all, you want to be able to enjoy the wedding yourself too. So, to me, bringing carers with you sounds like an excellent idea.

 

[Patricia78]

My OH, is 91 and has vascular dementia. I am 85 and we are due at an important family wedding a 2 hour drive from home in 6 weeks. Last week he soiled himself for the first time ever, we had only walked 100yards from home. He realised what he'd done and, surprisingly, remembered it the following day.
Is this likely to be a one-off or can somebody tell me if this is the start of permanent incontinence? I am desperate for tips or advice from anyone who has attended a function with an incontinent dementia patient.
I am on the point of cancelling as I would never go alone and leave him all day with a paid stranger. His anxiety levels would be through the roof.
Are there pads he could wear which eliminate the odour should it happen in Church or at the reception?
Where and how do your clean a person up if you are outdoors and miles from facilities?
What do you do with the tissues and pads etc if you are away from home?
Is there a bottle which he could use to wee en route and would it be able to be sealed afterwards?
I really wanted to be at the wedding but is my best option to forget about it and just look forward to the photos?

Please help

 

[Patricia78]

If you were in the room I would give you a big hug, because my heart goes out to you. My husband John is 80 and over the last six months or so - well the last few months - it seems his 'attacks' of continunence has increased. I am sorry to add but it does seem to be a deteriorating situation. And for me like you - I have started thinking and worrying that we 'should not go out to eat anymore'.... because this is when it happens - and not when we are at home.

And yes - it is truly awful for John, myself and indeed people nearby.... because of the smell.
Just a few weeks ago - we were out in our local town doing some light shopping and then went for a coffee break. Sitting down at the cafe table - John murmued 'I am going to the toilet'. Everything seemed OK and he wasn't in a state of panic or anything. But then... when he didn't come back quite soon afterwards I 'knew' something was wrong. With my back turned towards the door at the rear of the cafe - I couldn't John as he came back. As he did.... I could, all the same, smell... him. We then walked back to the car and I was praying that no-one would notice where the 'stuff' had run down and out inside his trouser legs. I hate to think about the state of the toilet in the cafe! Arriving to our car - I placed some plastic sheeting on the passenger seat (John no longer drives) and then opened up the windows as we drove back home. I am sorry to tell you Mickey that this situation to a lesser or greater extent is showing to be more often then before when it used to be a couple of times, say, every six months.

The other problem I have had with John is his resistance to wearing Incontinence Pants.... because they 'look like nappies' he said. But with the situation he has (No.2's to be exact!) using an Incontinence PAD doesn't help solve the problem. You need Pants when this situation arises. Another Carer has suggested too that when we go out for a meal or something special, as in your case - to order the Nighttime Incontinence Pants as there are, evidently, ones that can absorb the smell just a bit. I haven't bought these for John yet but will intend doing so.

And the other thing I learnt about Men going to Toilet and especially in a Crisis of this kind is that in the Men's Loos.... there are "No Bins" John said as there are in Women's Toilets. Consequently, this makes life tougher when as you saying not knowing what to do with the soiled items. But now when we go out - I take an extra pair of Incontinence PANTS so that John can change into these at least. As for the soiled ones.... oh dear that is a tough call for the Carer and moreso for someone who is in their mid to late Eighties as well as Early Nineties.

It is my birthday this Sunday and our family are coming to see us so as to go out for a nice Lunch. I am just hoping and praying that John will be alright. The other thing is that when it happens John said he "doesn't have any warning".... and it is very fast. I am wondering whether to ask John to take some IMODIUM (another tip) before we head off for the Lunch? Yesterday, too, he wet himself and didn't know.... claimed it was from when he washed up some spare dishes... except he didn't.

*Lastly I noticed another member from Talking Point had written about hiring a Carer to look after your OH during the Wedding. Only this week and talking to a company that finds Carer's for whatever reason - an Introduction Company - the assistant told me that recently they had a case where a Wedding (as in respect of your situation) was going to happen in the Family and they wanted their Great Grandmother to come along who was 101. Further that the Wedding was going to be on the Isle of Wight. Like you they pondered seriously about whether to avoid attending but were disappointed all the same. As a result the Family applied for a Carer just to be with their Great Grandmother for the Day Only... collecting her from the Nursing Home where she was now living.... staying with her throughout the Celebration... and then returning her Nursing Home afterwards plus taking a Boat Trip across and back to the IOW. This turned out to be very successful, because the Family were able to enjoy the Wedding themselves knowing their Gt. Grandmother was safely being looked after and without the one to one care worry. PS: The Carer said, evidently, that she had "a lovely day too at the Wedding!" This might be an option for you as well Mickey?*

If you were interested perhaps there is some way I could let you know the name of the company that finds, checks and introduces Carers per the requests... because I doubt I would be permitted to give the company's name through Talking Point, since this could be regarded as a form of advertising.

Sorry this has gone on rather long. But it would be nice for you to be able to go to the Wedding.

Kindest Regards to you and to your OH

Patricia78

 

[jenniferjean]

And the other thing I learnt about Men going to Toilet and especially in a Crisis of this kind is that in the Men's Loos.... there are "No Bins"

One option is to get a key for the disabled toilets. I did this recently when I found my husband went into the mens and then came out and said he'd have to wait as there were some people already in there.

 

[mickeyplum]

If you were in the room I would give you a big hug, because my heart goes out to you. My husband John is 80 and over the last six months or so - well the last few months - it seems his 'attacks' of continunence has increased. I am sorry to add but it does seem to be a deteriorating situation. And for me like you - I have started thinking and worrying that we 'should not go out to eat anymore'.... because this is when it happens - and not when we are at home.

And yes - it is truly awful for John, myself and indeed people nearby.... because of the smell.
Just a few weeks ago - we were out in our local town doing some light shopping and then went for a coffee break. Sitting down at the cafe table - John murmued 'I am going to the toilet'. Everything seemed OK and he wasn't in a state of panic or anything. But then... when he didn't come back quite soon afterwards I 'knew' something was wrong. With my back turned towards the door at the rear of the cafe - I couldn't John as he came back. As he did.... I could, all the same, smell... him. We then walked back to the car and I was praying that no-one would notice where the 'stuff' had run down and out inside his trouser legs. I hate to think about the state of the toilet in the cafe! Arriving to our car - I placed some plastic sheeting on the passenger seat (John no longer drives) and then opened up the windows as we drove back home. I am sorry to tell you Mickey that this situation to a lesser or greater extent is showing to be more often then before when it used to be a couple of times, say, every six months.

The other problem I have had with John is his resistance to wearing Incontinence Pants.... because they 'look like nappies' he said. But with the situation he has (No.2's to be exact!) using an Incontinence PAD doesn't help solve the problem. You need Pants when this situation arises. Another Carer has suggested too that when we go out for a meal or something special, as in your case - to order the Nighttime Incontinence Pants as there are, evidently, ones that can absorb the smell just a bit. I haven't bought these for John yet but will intend doing so.

And the other thing I learnt about Men going to Toilet and especially in a Crisis of this kind is that in the Men's Loos.... there are "No Bins" John said as there are in Women's Toilets. Consequently, this makes life tougher when as you saying not knowing what to do with the soiled items. But now when we go out - I take an extra pair of Incontinence PANTS so that John can change into these at least. As for the soiled ones.... oh dear that is a tough call for the Carer and moreso for someone who is in their mid to late Eighties as well as Early Nineties.

It is my birthday this Sunday and our family are coming to see us so as to go out for a nice Lunch. I am just hoping and praying that John will be alright. The other thing is that when it happens John said he "doesn't have any warning".... and it is very fast. I am wondering whether to ask John to take some IMODIUM (another tip) before we head off for the Lunch? Yesterday, too, he wet himself and didn't know.... claimed it was from when he washed up some spare dishes... except he didn't.

*Lastly I noticed another member from Talking Point had written about hiring a Carer to look after your OH during the Wedding. Only this week and talking to a company that finds Carer's for whatever reason - an Introduction Company - the assistant told me that recently they had a case where a Wedding (as in respect of your situation) was going to happen in the Family and they wanted their Great Grandmother to come along who was 101. Further that the Wedding was going to be on the Isle of Wight. Like you they pondered seriously about whether to avoid attending but were disappointed all the same. As a result the Family applied for a Carer just to be with their Great Grandmother for the Day Only... collecting her from the Nursing Home where she was now living.... staying with her throughout the Celebration... and then returning her Nursing Home afterwards plus taking a Boat Trip across and back to the IOW. This turned out to be very successful, because the Family were able to enjoy the Wedding themselves knowing their Gt. Grandmother was safely being looked after and without the one to one care worry. PS: The Carer said, evidently, that she had "a lovely day too at the Wedding!" This might be an option for you as well Mickey?*

If you were interested perhaps there is some way I could let you know the name of the company that finds, checks and introduces Carers per the requests... because I doubt I would be permitted to give the company's name through Talking Point, since this could be regarded as a form of advertising.

Sorry this has gone on rather long. But it would be nice for you to be able to go to the Wedding.

Kindest Regards to you and to your OH

Patricia78

Thanks a lot Patricia for sharing your situation which is almost identical to mine, except sadly, you seem to be a bit further down the line. I'm sorry to say having a carer to come and spend the night at the wedding hotel is out of the question. I have had offers of 'befriending' from various support agencies and we tried this twice. Should have been for 2 hours but he'd had enough after 20-30 mins and refused to have any more visits, due to his anxiety about people other than the family. But I'm still hoping he will be Ok at the wedding (in 3 weeks time).

You mentioned Imodium? When I talked to my GP after the incident of incontinence I said I'd read that Fybegel might help? She said 'Yes, but you could try giving him an Imodium on the morning of the wedding, but no more than one or it might bung him up.' So I think that's what I'll do. You might want to try this when you are going out with your husband occasionally now that it seems to be 'approved' medically.
When the episode with my husband happened, I went into a mind-set of resignation where I just thought, 'Right this is it. This means we can never ever stray away from the house again,' but Tipping Point has been a great help, as always, with suggestions.
Good luck. It's hard work becoming a carer at our age isn't it, but must be just as hard to be a 60-year-old carer who has had to forfeit an interesting lifestyle to care for their partner.