Concerned

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
119
0
Derbyshire
My Dad (80) has to have an operation soon and Mum (77) who has dementia ( mixed Alzheimers and Vascular) and is declining quickly and some days she forgets who I am and who my Dad is. The CPN has suggested Respite care and I visited various homes and found one that can accommodate my Mum’s needs as she an insulin dependant diabetic.
She is quite aggressive to Dad and has delusions of seeing past family members and forgets her parents have passed on 30+ years ago. Mum attend Daycare once a week but says he hates it as it is full of old people but still goes because she needs to look after them?
Dad is coming to stay with me and our house so I can look after him after his operation and I have got to break the news she needs to go into respite care as I can’t have them both as Mum is quite aggressive and my family circumstances means I can only cope with my Dad. He can’t do anything much when he gets home.

How do I go about broaching the subject of my Mum of accepting Respite Care but I am scared of her reaction and I need to tell her as I have assessment information to fill out for the care. She will want to be at my home but I just can’t juggle Mum and Dad as I have a 12 year old Autistic daughter who does not cope well with my Mum’s mood swings and actions.

I feel such a bad daughter not having Mum as well but Dad and I cook clean, do the laundry sorting out bills, shopping and though Mum in her mind does everything she actually wanders around the house in circles not achieving much other than getting angry if she doesn’t get her own way or in bed with ‘imaginary’ medical conditions that need urgent medical help and in the afternoon she makes a miraculous recovery.

Dad is getting as he can’t cope with Mum and both of us are treading on eggshells with her. I think we are scared slightly of her outbursts and actions, she says I am the world’s worst daughter and I don’t care about her. I love her but she can’t see that,
Any tips on how to broach the season subject of Respite care?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
This is the time for love lies @Little Circles

You couldnt possibly look after your mum as well, Im sure respite is the way to go, but your mum will not understand (however you phrase it) and will just get upset, so you need to think of something that she will accept. Many people (including my OH) are happy to accept it as a holiday in a hotel where they will be waited on hand and foot. Go with whatever you think will work. I also wouldnt tell that it is happening until the day. The longer she knows about it, the longer she has to decide that shes not going.
 

lis66

Registered User
Aug 7, 2015
277
0
Hi @Little Circles and welcome to DTP you could be writing my story ,I have had to put mum into respite care as like you I have dad with me and can't look after both of them it does break my heart but I have no choice ,I tell mum it's a hotel with people there to look after her ,she does say to me I can't stay here by myself and I do have to lie a little but she forgets the minute I have said it ,maybe dont visit for a few days till she settles in wishing you luck and hope it works out for you xx
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
119
0
Derbyshire
Thanks
I will get my thinking cap on as the Social Worker and CPN wants to do a mental capacity assessment as the care home has requested it
in Tuesday 9 days before she goes in
So I may have to talk to them both before hand as to how to ‘sell’ the respite care to my Mum

X
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
The mental capacity assessment shouldn't be a problem, you don't have to say it is happening because of the respite (and even if you do, your mum won't remember what you said). So you could separate those two things in your mind, and hers. As the others have said, don't mention the respite stay to her until you're packing her things, and then present it as a holiday (or whatever she would find easiest to accept). If you are upbeat and cheerful about it, she will follow your lead.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
Hello @Little Circles

If your mum has a CPN I`m sure they will help and support you getting your mum into respite care. My husband`s CPN and the Mental Health Team were very supportive when my husband went into respite. The CPN went for my husband and a member of the MHT came with me.

I hope the SW and CPN will be there for you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Thanks
Do you know what a mental capacity assessment involves ?
When mum had hers done it was just the SW asking her lots of questions. Mum realised that she hadnt done very well and got a bit upset, so I said that some people were just nosy parkers and I wouldnt invite her again. That seemed to appease her
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
426
0
Sheffield
My OH is in respite now because I have had operation. I didn’t tell him as he would refuse to go. I packed his bag in secret and told him we were going for coffee. He was a bit angry but the staff took over. Now he can’t remember how he’s got there and thinks he’s on holiday.!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Oh Im sorry, @Little Circles I didnt mean to worry you. It wasnt that bad, it wasnt like she had an examination. The SW was very gentle. I cant remember most of the questions now, but I know she asked mum where she lived, how old she was and whether she had any children. I also remember that she was asked where her money came from (it came from her pension, but mum had no idea) and where her shopping came from. Although the SW tried to make it conversational mum was aware that she didnt know a lot of the things she was asked. We agreed that she was a nosey parker and she wouldnt get invited again and after that mum was fine.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
The only question I can remember my mother being asked was the CPN pointing to a photo of my grandmother and asking 'who is that?' My mother said "I think she's called Violet" (correct). But she did not know that Violet was her mother. I don't know if the CPN ever asked where her money came from but I can guarantee she would have had no idea! As Canary says, it isn't an exam, it's more a structured chat. My mother tended to just disengage when she didn't understand a question, it should all be quite friendly so don't worry.