My Mum can't cope

[JessicaH]

This is the first time I have posted here, and it's slightly out of desperation....
My father who is 88 has dementia, and my mum (76) is his carer. My brother and I live next door to them, so we are close at hand but we both work full time (me a long commute away) and can't be there all the time.
My mum has been 'coping' for a few years with looking after him, but this morning she rang me in tears to say she can't do it any more. He has suddenly gone doubly incontinent, and she can't deal with it. My brother and I know it is time for our father to be cared for in a proper care home. Our mum has tried to care for him, but she's now lost patience, and is exhausted and depressed, and can't give my dad the care he needs.
There is a care home very close by. It will cost a lot of money, but we feel it is the best thing to do now. My question is, we don't know if the care home has places at present, but in the short term, could anyone give me advice on who to contact for some immediate help for her? She's at her wits end, and I'm not sure what to do for the best.

 

[Lellyhelly]

HI, sorry to hear of your problems. When I was looking for a placement for my Mum, I rang a couple of local homes, asked if they had any places and arranged to have a tour of the homes. Hope this helps.

 

[Guzelle]

If you are self funding you can contact the home yourself and ask if there are any places. He could even go in for respite first and if he settles well there you may be able to make it permanent.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @JessicaH
a warm welcome to DTP
your poor mum sounds to have been doing such a good job caring for your dad
has there been an assessment of his care needs by their Local Authority Adult Services ... if not that's a good place to start, as your dad has a right to this ... contact them and make it clear that your mum is at the end of her tether and facing 'carer breakdown' so needs urgent support ... a care package can then be put in place, and don't be afraid to push for residential care in your dad's 'best interests'

if LPAs are in place and your dad would be self-funding then your family can go ahead and arrange residential care yourselves ... your dad's care fees should come out of his income and savings only, plus half of any joint savings, but their home is disregarded ... if your dad's income and savings are low, the LA contribute to the fees and the care needs assessment is followed by a financial assessment
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care

your mum can also have a chat with the continence nurse at their GP surgery, they will be able to help with advice .. indeed, let their GP know that your dad's condition has declined and your mum isn't able to cope (it's absolutely no reflection on her ability as a carer or as a wife) so the GP knows precisely how things are for them both

Admiral Nurses will also support your mum
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/find-an-admiral-nurse/

and for finding local care homes, take a look at this site
https://www.carehome.co.uk/

 

[canary]

in the short term, could anyone give me advice on who to contact for some immediate help for her?

Contact Adult Social Services (probably will have to be Monday) and ask for urgent respite as your mum has reached carers breakdown. They will come out and assess your dad. Be aware, though, that he would be placed wherever there is a space and it might not be where you would choose. It would, however, keep him safe, give your mum a break and a space in which to decide what to do next.