Hi - I'm new to this forum and up until last week my mum (who has dementia, 72) was able to be cared for at home. However, finances meant my brother and I had to take the decision to look for a care home. Mum moved into this one (the first neglected her so badly she lost all mobility and almost 2 stone in weight in less than 3 weeks) last Friday, and I am trying to help her settle in, pacify her, ensure the care is adequate/meets her needs (she has significant visual impairment as result of dementia), whilst I am also upset at having to put her in a home, upset at knowing she is in a stressful environment, knowing shes going to spiral downhill, and I can feel myself starting to unravel trying to deal with all of this and my full time job which involves overseas travel. I live alone and I feel as though I am alone dealing with all of this as friends haven't been in touch and when they have it has been blasé text messages which then makes me angry that they don't realise what I'm going through. I'm not sure what to do about all this but I needed to get that out. Sorry.
Moving to care home - coping with mum's fear and my guilt
- Thread starter Crystaltipsy
- Start date
Hi Crystaltipsy, I recognise your plight only too well. As you will have no doubt experienced the first few weeks of Residential Care are very challenging as the home get to know Mum and her needs, and what works for her. Hopefully (probably after input from you) you will get to a more reassuring situation, which in turn will help with the other inevitable life challenges you have i.e. to continue to perform your job to the expected level, through all of this and the impact it has on you, physically, emotionally and mentally.
Sadly many of us have been in your position and it is often a very lonely experience. Good friends who haven't experienced what you are going through probably won't understand - I certainly found that - try not to get too annoyed at that, although I felt like you too but came to terms that they only meant the best but had no real understanding. You can always off load here and the community will provide advice should you need it. Wishing you well.
Sadly many of us have been in your position and it is often a very lonely experience. Good friends who haven't experienced what you are going through probably won't understand - I certainly found that - try not to get too annoyed at that, although I felt like you too but came to terms that they only meant the best but had no real understanding. You can always off load here and the community will provide advice should you need it. Wishing you well.
hello @Crystaltipsy
a warm welcome to DTP
from what you write, you and your brother have done so well by your mum
it's tough making the decision for a move into residential care, and then for you especially hard when you've had such a negative experience ... no wonder you are worried and protective of your mum ... she's a fortunate woman indeed to have the two of you looking out for her
it's not necessarily the case that your mum's condition will spiral, though of course there will be decline
hopefully she is now with staff who will truly care for her and when you have got to know them and are able to trust she is receiving good care, you will be able to relax
I'm glad you have joined this supportive community ... it's a safe place to share anything that's on your mind ... so now you've started, keep posting
a warm welcome to DTP
from what you write, you and your brother have done so well by your mum
it's tough making the decision for a move into residential care, and then for you especially hard when you've had such a negative experience ... no wonder you are worried and protective of your mum ... she's a fortunate woman indeed to have the two of you looking out for her
it's not necessarily the case that your mum's condition will spiral, though of course there will be decline
hopefully she is now with staff who will truly care for her and when you have got to know them and are able to trust she is receiving good care, you will be able to relax
I'm glad you have joined this supportive community ... it's a safe place to share anything that's on your mind ... so now you've started, keep posting
Hello @Crystaltipsy and welcome to DTP.
Moving someone into a care home is always emotional and fills us with guilt, although there is never a reason to feel guilty. It is something that none of us take lightly and I can understand your fears.
Unfortunately, some of the things that we all instinctively do to try and help them settle in dont actually work. If you are there most of the day and trying to pacify her, what you are actually doing is reinforcing in her mind that there is good reason to feel afraid. She is also probably picking up on your anxiety and is mirroring it.
When mum moved into her care home I was advised by the home not to visit at all for the first few days. If I had been there every day mum would have just lived for my visits and would never have learned the care home routine or got to know the carers and other residents. This is difficult to do if you do not trust the care home (and I can understand why you may not), but please try and cut down on your visits. Just go long enough to convince yourself that she is OK and is being looked after. When you visit pin a bright smile on your face and go in with a breezy, up-beat attitude of isnt-this-all-very-nice and do not try and pacify her. I found with mum that if I was cheerful, then she would be, but if I was upset then she would mirror that too, so I watched my body language and tried hard not to let her know if I was feeling bad. If you can see that she is getting a bit teary distract her. I used to take mums favourite cake or mint humbugs in as a treat for this very purpose. If I could see the way the conversation was going, or I could see her bottom lip trembling out would come the little treat and I would go and make her a cup of tea. After that I would go home.
It is very early days and Im sure that your mum will settle. Try talking to the carers and get to know them too. I found it easier to trust them if I knew them and could tell that they liked mum and genuinely cared for her.
Moving someone into a care home is always emotional and fills us with guilt, although there is never a reason to feel guilty. It is something that none of us take lightly and I can understand your fears.
Unfortunately, some of the things that we all instinctively do to try and help them settle in dont actually work. If you are there most of the day and trying to pacify her, what you are actually doing is reinforcing in her mind that there is good reason to feel afraid. She is also probably picking up on your anxiety and is mirroring it.
When mum moved into her care home I was advised by the home not to visit at all for the first few days. If I had been there every day mum would have just lived for my visits and would never have learned the care home routine or got to know the carers and other residents. This is difficult to do if you do not trust the care home (and I can understand why you may not), but please try and cut down on your visits. Just go long enough to convince yourself that she is OK and is being looked after. When you visit pin a bright smile on your face and go in with a breezy, up-beat attitude of isnt-this-all-very-nice and do not try and pacify her. I found with mum that if I was cheerful, then she would be, but if I was upset then she would mirror that too, so I watched my body language and tried hard not to let her know if I was feeling bad. If you can see that she is getting a bit teary distract her. I used to take mums favourite cake or mint humbugs in as a treat for this very purpose. If I could see the way the conversation was going, or I could see her bottom lip trembling out would come the little treat and I would go and make her a cup of tea. After that I would go home.
It is very early days and Im sure that your mum will settle. Try talking to the carers and get to know them too. I found it easier to trust them if I knew them and could tell that they liked mum and genuinely cared for her.
Thankyou I appreciate your kind words, and sensible advice. It's just another hurdle to go through, just that it's a big one compounded by changing location too as mum has moved from her home in lancashire to a home in Epsom and so I'm also thrown out by managing trips in a new area where I'm unsure of things like parking and disabled loos which causes extra stress too. But, I know she's in a good home now and we all just have to adjust slowly.
Hi thanks for responding. I have to disagree with your advice though. The previous home she was in told us not to visit, we followed that advice and mum nearly died from neglect. So of course I'm not following that advice with the new home, and they don't advise that either, they encourage family to visit and be involved. I also don't see why I wouldn't pacify her if she was upset. It's also very hard to fake happiness when you're really struggling with depression yourself. But I am trying my best.
thankyou so much for your kind words, I really appreciate the support. And you are right, I am feeling better today from getting to know her new carers better and seeing how lovely they are with mum. Thankyou.
Hi @Crystaltipsy .......... can I guess what your hair is like from your username? Or am I just showing my age?
Welcome to the forum and what an awful experience to have had with your Mum's first CH - that's bound to make you all very concerned about things.
I visited my Mum daily when she first moved into her CH. Not always for a long time, but just to reassure her that I was close by and thinking of her. The CH were good, and although Mum and I had a few upsets and recriminations, by the end of the first week we were OK. I was unable just to leave Mum to her own devices and I think she needed that little bit of propping up initially.
Hope all goes well and my best wishes and thoughts are winging their way to you and your Mum - Epsom is not far from me ....
X
Welcome to the forum and what an awful experience to have had with your Mum's first CH - that's bound to make you all very concerned about things.
I visited my Mum daily when she first moved into her CH. Not always for a long time, but just to reassure her that I was close by and thinking of her. The CH were good, and although Mum and I had a few upsets and recriminations, by the end of the first week we were OK. I was unable just to leave Mum to her own devices and I think she needed that little bit of propping up initially.
Hope all goes well and my best wishes and thoughts are winging their way to you and your Mum - Epsom is not far from me ....
X
I can understand why you are anxious about this after your previous experience. But I agree with Canary, your mother will pick up on your anxiety and if she continues to rely on your company she will find it more difficult to settle in. She needs the chance to get used to the carers and the routine.
There is no reason she will spiral downwards. My mother has been in a CH for 18 months and while she has deteriorated it has been relatively slow progression, no spiral. When I visit it's obvious she is content there, and the carers are lovely. It's always difficult in the early days, but I am sure you will feel more comfortable about it as time goes on.
There is no reason she will spiral downwards. My mother has been in a CH for 18 months and while she has deteriorated it has been relatively slow progression, no spiral. When I visit it's obvious she is content there, and the carers are lovely. It's always difficult in the early days, but I am sure you will feel more comfortable about it as time goes on.
Welcome @Crystaltipsy , Glad you've found your mum a good care home, and I hope you can begin to relax after the horrendous experience of the previous home.
I too love your username. My hair is dead straight, but can go a bit crystaltipisian after a swim if I don't comb it soon enough!
I too love your username. My hair is dead straight, but can go a bit crystaltipisian after a swim if I don't comb it soon enough!
Hi - just to clarify, canary made some assumptions about my visiting schedule with the comment 'if you're there most of the day'. I hadn't said how often or how long I was there so please stop making judgements about this based solely on assumptions. Its starting to feel like some kind of reverse care shaming.
Hi and thankyou - that's reassuring to hear that you followed the same pattern of little but often reassuring in the first week and it worked out for your mum. I know its important for mum to settle in but it's also important she knows we haven't abandoned her, and we also want to get to know the home and carers too so that we all trust one another. And yes, you guessed right. My textiles teacher gave me the name at secondary school after I cut my long straight hair and it turned curly
I only said "if"
In your position it would be understandable if (and Im only sayng if) you wanted to be there all day - and I did not assume that you are. I also did not say that you should not visit. I just suggested that you cut down your visits to the stage that you could make sure that she was safe and being looked after, but not stay long.
Im sorry that you did not find my advice helpful
Hello again @Crystaltipsy - ahaaaaa .... I was right! I'd kill for curls - how I wish we were back in the good old 80's when I had the ubiquitous 80's perm. The only time my hair ever did what I wanted it to!
I do hope that things are going OK with your Mum. Lucky her having curls too - my poor Mum is at end stage and her hair is dead straight without her weekly shampoo and set - it does her no favours, poor Mum.
Just wanted to say that there are a lot of folk on here who have heaps of experience and kindly offer their advice. What works like a charm with some, is not appropriate for others and everyone is different.
Personally, I have flaunted two pieces of quite common TP CH advice: firstly, the 'don't visit initially' and secondly the 'don't tell them you are leaving when you visit - just disappear.....' and probably a few other things as well I expect!
What works for some, doesn't work for others - people just give you the benefit of their experience. I have never been able to do either of these things with Mum - nor wanted to. I know my Mum, as you know yours.
That said, if I thought what I had chosen to do was hurting her in some way I would change my actions in a heartbeat, no matter how much it affected me personally.
Get to know the new CH staff and get them 'on side' - they will be invaluable and your 'eyes and ears' in getting inside info on how Mum is doing and suggesting anything that you or the rest of the family could do to help.
Hope all goes well
X
I do hope that things are going OK with your Mum. Lucky her having curls too - my poor Mum is at end stage and her hair is dead straight without her weekly shampoo and set - it does her no favours, poor Mum.
Just wanted to say that there are a lot of folk on here who have heaps of experience and kindly offer their advice. What works like a charm with some, is not appropriate for others and everyone is different.
Personally, I have flaunted two pieces of quite common TP CH advice: firstly, the 'don't visit initially' and secondly the 'don't tell them you are leaving when you visit - just disappear.....' and probably a few other things as well I expect!
What works for some, doesn't work for others - people just give you the benefit of their experience. I have never been able to do either of these things with Mum - nor wanted to. I know my Mum, as you know yours.
That said, if I thought what I had chosen to do was hurting her in some way I would change my actions in a heartbeat, no matter how much it affected me personally.
Get to know the new CH staff and get them 'on side' - they will be invaluable and your 'eyes and ears' in getting inside info on how Mum is doing and suggesting anything that you or the rest of the family could do to help.
Hope all goes well
X
Hi - my mum moved into a care home at the beginning of July. We visited daily the first week, she needed that and the home agreed. We are feeling our way and tend to visit 4 days a week, couple of those are my other half popping in for an hour or so with our dog.
I think we all have to just do our best to feel our way to figure out what is best, and know it will sometimes go wrong.
I understand the loneliness/isolation thing. I too have felt very hurt that people dont 'get it' when those same people have shown so much support to people who have been bereaved. However I think until you're in it it is so hard to comprehend the mix of hurt/loss/sadness/grief and loss this situation makes on both sides.
Hope things improve and your mum becomes more settled
I think we all have to just do our best to feel our way to figure out what is best, and know it will sometimes go wrong.
I understand the loneliness/isolation thing. I too have felt very hurt that people dont 'get it' when those same people have shown so much support to people who have been bereaved. However I think until you're in it it is so hard to comprehend the mix of hurt/loss/sadness/grief and loss this situation makes on both sides.
Hope things improve and your mum becomes more settled
Hi there - I really appreciate your kindness and gentle advice - I do understand that there are reasons behind saying don't visit, but as you say, every scenario and person is different and after our experience I'm obviously more concerned than normal and keen to make sure it doesn't happen again. Having said that, I haven't spent entire days there, I went in 3 times last week and made sure she was following there meal schedule. I did get some reassurance that there were some really lovely peoe working there (one who immediately saw how stressed I was and made me a cup of tea) little things like seeing them hug and kiss mum make me happier. One thing that unsettled me at the weekend was finding her with one slipper (other in her room) and unclean trousers. Also there was an incident happening in main room yet there was a young carer sat in a corridor busy on her mobile - would you flag this? I don't want to annoy the staff by complaining - I did raise the repeat clothing already as she was in same clothes for 3 days) K x
