I am new to the group, I have an 87 year old mother with mixed dementia ,vascular . I am at my wits end with her she lives on her own over an hours drive away, I visit twice a week ,clean her flat, shop, wash her. She phones me in excess of thirty times a day and night I get calls at 2 am , to 5 am shouting at me ,saying I have left her in a terrible place swearing at me, she calls the police at least three times at week saying strangers are in her house, she has hallucinations and delusions. She is adamant she won’t go in a home, I was planning to have her with me for the winter but not sure if I will cope, I am 55 with three teenagers. She has mobility problems and can no longer walk .unaided. She is on quetiapine which don’t seem to do much. I just need some advice from someone in the same someone in the same boat. Feeling very stressed. Sorry for the rant.
Need help with Mother
- Thread starter Debbie64
- Start date
Sorry to sound hard @Debbie64 but it might end up not being your mother`s choice.
She has hallucinations, mobility problems and is very confused. She sounds as if she is a very vulnerable adult and at risk.
I`m not in the same boat fortunately but was when my mother had dementia. She agreed to go into residential care during one of her most vulnerable moments when she didn`t recognise her own home. She was another who phoned the police even to ask the time.
I had made contingency plans in case of an emergency and the care home I had selected was able to take her in that night.
It might be an idea for you to have a look at care homes and make similar plans. I think with three teenagers at home you would be taking far too much on to have your mother with you. My son was away and my husband and I worked full time when my mother was in need of more than I could give her and there was no question of me having her live with us.
Oh God we're in a similar position with our Mum. She's beginning to get angry & paranoid, be increasingly confused & has started to have hallucinations.
I live 2.5/3 hours drive from her, work part-time on low income & am a single parent of young teens; one sister lives 4/5 hrs away and has 2 v dependent children & a demanding job and the other lives in Australia. Mum has no reliable friends or other family nearby.
I've just been told a flat has come available in a dementia-care complex really near me but they want a tenancy to begin within 10 days! Mum says she's fine & happy where she is (but sometimes also says she wants to get away from there) but also it's too short-notice for her to make a decision.
If we make it for her (we have LPA) she would move in the next couple of weeks! If she doesn't take the flat, who knows how long to wait until something else comes up? And she'll probably have to make a snap decision then anyway, which she'll always refuse by default.
At what point do we make the decision for her???
I live 2.5/3 hours drive from her, work part-time on low income & am a single parent of young teens; one sister lives 4/5 hrs away and has 2 v dependent children & a demanding job and the other lives in Australia. Mum has no reliable friends or other family nearby.
I've just been told a flat has come available in a dementia-care complex really near me but they want a tenancy to begin within 10 days! Mum says she's fine & happy where she is (but sometimes also says she wants to get away from there) but also it's too short-notice for her to make a decision.
If we make it for her (we have LPA) she would move in the next couple of weeks! If she doesn't take the flat, who knows how long to wait until something else comes up? And she'll probably have to make a snap decision then anyway, which she'll always refuse by default.
At what point do we make the decision for her???
Hi.You can only make that decision for her when she “lacks capacity “.My dad has vascular dementia and has”fluctuating capacity “.So some days he appears that he knows what he is talking about,on others he doesn’t know what day it is.The doctor has suggested to him to look at care homes but that has been a “No”!I cannot do anything even though I have LPOA for Health and Welfare.Dad is immobile apart from a gutter frame,so that is another issue.So we wait for a crisis....So if she is deemed to have capacity it is a waiting game.
Hi.My Dad is 86 and has vascular dementia.He walks with a gutter frame and can only manage 6steps.He has carers in 4times a day.Dad is in denial (there is a name for it but I have forgotten)He seems to be convinced that one day he is going to walk unaided.I don’t have the problem with the phone calls as he cannot remember to use it .I used to leave it on answerphone and would call back when I was ready.He has lifeline..Does she?..Have you got Social Services in to do an assessment?What we all tend to do as carers is forget that we cannot do everything as much as we want to..Dad had to have carers after his stroke.
Thanks for that, TNJJ, that helps make things clearer to think about 
My Mum also appears to think she might get better too, and thinks there'll come a day when she's not so overwhelmed with everything, she'll have sorted all the things out and will be able to make a clear decision.
My Mum also appears to think she might get better too, and thinks there'll come a day when she's not so overwhelmed with everything, she'll have sorted all the things out and will be able to make a clear decision.
hello @Debbie64
a warm welcome from me too
it does very much sound as though your mum needs much more support ... so looking into residential care would give you options ... this site may help
https://www.carehome.co.uk
you don't mention whether your mum has home care at the moment ... if not, contact her Local Authority Adult Services to arrange an assessment of her care needs as she has a right to this ... don't hold back on describing her situation as she is a 'vulnerable adult' ... a care package could include home care visits and time at day care, which would keep her occupied for some time, and respite ... so she would have support in her home rather than move to be with you, which with 3 teenagers will be challenging for all of you, eespecially if they need to be able to concentrate on school work and you need to work, leaving her alone in a much less familiar environment
this explains about paying for her care
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care
a warm welcome from me too
it does very much sound as though your mum needs much more support ... so looking into residential care would give you options ... this site may help
https://www.carehome.co.uk
you don't mention whether your mum has home care at the moment ... if not, contact her Local Authority Adult Services to arrange an assessment of her care needs as she has a right to this ... don't hold back on describing her situation as she is a 'vulnerable adult' ... a care package could include home care visits and time at day care, which would keep her occupied for some time, and respite ... so she would have support in her home rather than move to be with you, which with 3 teenagers will be challenging for all of you, eespecially if they need to be able to concentrate on school work and you need to work, leaving her alone in a much less familiar environment
this explains about paying for her care
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care
hi @WhyDon'tYou
I do appreciate that as an Attorney it's tricky to know when to step in
for me it's when you honestly believe it's in the best interest of your mum as she is no longer safe for some reason
then some fudging may be needed to help her move ... eg focus on how happy you will be when she's near you in this lovely retirement complex, and how wonderful it is that they arrange the move so there's no worrying to do (yes, fib and quietly organise in the background - we call them 'love lies')
it's unlikely your mum will herself ever grasp what her situation is really like, as sadly her brain has been damaged, so the decision will come down to you
at the moment, if she is generally safe in her home, maybe getting some home care and day care may be a good move and settle your mind a little .... and start working on other plans eg residential care so you are ready when the time comes
I do appreciate that as an Attorney it's tricky to know when to step in
for me it's when you honestly believe it's in the best interest of your mum as she is no longer safe for some reason
then some fudging may be needed to help her move ... eg focus on how happy you will be when she's near you in this lovely retirement complex, and how wonderful it is that they arrange the move so there's no worrying to do (yes, fib and quietly organise in the background - we call them 'love lies')
it's unlikely your mum will herself ever grasp what her situation is really like, as sadly her brain has been damaged, so the decision will come down to you
at the moment, if she is generally safe in her home, maybe getting some home care and day care may be a good move and settle your mind a little .... and start working on other plans eg residential care so you are ready when the time comes
Hi Debbie, I went through similar with Mum - although I was only five minutes away so I would often pop round to reassure her in the middle of the night. She was having home care (three visits a day), but the tipping point for us was when she no longer recognised her own home and was often frightened in the evenings - she did then (willingly) move into residential care, and was actually much happier. One thing that did provide assistance was the Helpline that we had installed - basically linked up to a local authority control room, activated by a pendant necklace or bracelet, they don't just attend if the person has a fall (which often happened too) but they will also attend if the person is in distress (we had a key safe installed outside the property) - as you are so far away it may be worth thinking about, at least as another perhaps interim method of support (and a bit more peace of mind for you). You can commission it from your local authority (you do have to pay unfortunately).
It is so difficult for you, what I would say it could do no harm for you to have a look at residential homes near you - perhaps get some brochures, and take some pictures if you find one that you like - also be aware they often have waiting lists. Then perhaps you could broach the subject with Mum and explain that if she was close to you that you and the family would be able to see her more. I did this with Mum (who had previously been adamant that she wouldn't go into a home - we then visited one just down the road from me (which fortunately had availability) and she was then quite open to the suggestion. As you say, it will be a hell of a lot for you to take on - but if you do decide to do that perhaps you can get some home care to help with personal care? I wish you all the best, it's such a difficult time for you.
It is so difficult for you, what I would say it could do no harm for you to have a look at residential homes near you - perhaps get some brochures, and take some pictures if you find one that you like - also be aware they often have waiting lists. Then perhaps you could broach the subject with Mum and explain that if she was close to you that you and the family would be able to see her more. I did this with Mum (who had previously been adamant that she wouldn't go into a home - we then visited one just down the road from me (which fortunately had availability) and she was then quite open to the suggestion. As you say, it will be a hell of a lot for you to take on - but if you do decide to do that perhaps you can get some home care to help with personal care? I wish you all the best, it's such a difficult time for you.