I'm feeling a bit scared

[Donkeyshere]

I went out at the weekend with a carers group just a meal, lovely people. A lot of them in the group knew each other as they have their OH in the same home or ward (small island I live on). I thought it would help getting to know others in the same position but I feel more isolated as I was the youngest there and no one else cared for their in law at all. My OH is really struggling accepting that his mum is starting to decline but after listening to what's coming I am just scared. The MIL lives with us and it's just recently that I have started to tell her prompts to shower, ensure she remembers to eat etc. I know this is nothing in comparison to how it's going to be and we dont have anyone to help at the moment as she is still able to do a lot of things. The BIl is invisible and has caused issues . I suppose despite everything I feel isolated and struggling to put my feelings into perspective. I am reducing my hours from October but means I will start a little earlier but it's to be reviewed in 3 months to see if it works ok for the company. Its catch 22 trying to do my best but I'm beginning to freak out! Any advice on putting it into perspective would be appreciated.

 

[Grannie G]

It`s a special person who takes on the responsibility of a parent, especially an `in law`.

I can`t help you put it into perspective @Donkeyshere but I think your username gives me a good idea how you see yourself.

I would stay with this carers support group. Don`t be afraid to learn from them. I`m sure they will be more than willing to share their experiences with you and offer advice.

I understand how hard it is for your OH to witness the progression of the illness in his mother but it won`t go away. If you are becoming scared of the future he needs to know. You cannot protect him however much you would like to.

 

[Pete1]

Hi, to me it sounds as though you are already taking steps to try and manage things in a sensible manner at an early stage. I can speak from experience that I did not and that became quite difficult as Mum's condition worsened - I had the flexibility to move my hours so that I could help Mum but ended up leaving for work at 5.30am so I could spend time with Mum in the afternoon, then working in the evening at home until 9.00 or 10.00 at night - looking back it was an absolutely ludicrous and unsustainable schedule, which somehow I managed for six months. So I think your consideration is really sensible and I really applaud the way you are going about things.

I hear you when you say you feel frightened listening to others, I felt the same way, but what I can say is that each individual with the condition can have different levels of decline over different time periods with very different traits, so not everything that you hear will apply to your future situation - some will and some won't. It might help you and your OH to keep some form of diary (can be weekly) on MIL's situation so that you can assess need, and it may help your OH realise that there is a decline. I found this helped me to sensibly 'reflect' as the situation with Mum progressed.

I think it's good that you are meeting with others even though you feel a bit of an outsider at the moment - this could be really helpful further down the line. You always have the forum too which is a good sounding board. Take care of yourself.

 

[Donkeyshere]

Hi, to me it sounds as though you are already taking steps to try and manage things in a sensible manner at an early stage. I can speak from experience that I did not and that became quite difficult as Mum's condition worsened - I had the flexibility to move my hours so that I could help Mum but ended up leaving for work at 5.30am so I could spend time with Mum in the afternoon, then working in the evening at home until 9.00 or 10.00 at night - looking back it was an absolutely ludicrous and unsustainable schedule, which somehow I managed for six months. So I think your consideration is really sensible and I really applaud the way you are going about things.

I hear you when you say you feel frightened listening to others, I felt the same way, but what I can say is that each individual with the condition can have different levels of decline over different time periods with very different traits, so not everything that you hear will apply to your future situation - some will and some won't. It might help you and your OH to keep some form of diary (can be weekly) on MIL's situation so that you can assess need, and it may help your OH realise that there is a decline. I found this helped me to sensibly 'reflect' as the situation with Mum progressed.

I think it's good that you are meeting with others even though you feel a bit of an outsider at the moment - this could be really helpful further down the line. You always have the forum too which is a good sounding board. Take care of yourself.

Thanks Pete and Granny G, yes you are both right sometimes things just seem to overwhelming when they don't need to be. I did actually discuss the future this morning with the OH and when to decide that we take a step back especially as my mental health can fluctuate, yes Granny G you are right that I cannot protect the OH and in doing so I suppose it does not acknowledge his feelings. I will stick with the carers group and try and mix in a bit more again as you say I might need them further down the line and listen to their experience. The people on these forums are fantastic with their advice.

 

[Donkeyshere]

It`s a special person who takes on the responsibility of a parent, especially an `in law`.

I can`t help you put it into perspective @Donkeyshere but I think your username gives me a good idea how you see yourself.

I would stay with this carers support group. Don`t be afraid to learn from them. I`m sure they will be more than willing to share their experiences with you and offer advice.

I understand how hard it is for your OH to witness the progression of the illness in his mother but it won`t go away. If you are becoming scared of the future he needs to know. You cannot protect him however much you would like to.

Hi Granny G
My username does have a reason as donkeys are a colloquialism for where we come from as we are said to be very stubborn!

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Granny G
My username does have a reason as donkeys are a colloquialism for where we come from as we are said to be very stubborn!

Where I come from donkeys do all the hard work @Donkeyshere hence the term `donkey work`

 

[Catastrophe]

I and my OH care for my Dad at home. Just want too say I was as freaked out about what stages were to come. But as they have, we have managed to cope. The thought and worry so far seem worse than when reality happened.
It's easy for family to be in denial, my brother still is.
My main advice is to make sure you have space for yourself. We just found a carer to do one day a fortnight. Which we don't spend catching up on chores, but on doing stuff for us. The difference to my perspective is huge after just a few weeks.
Good luck and take care.

 

[Donkeyshere]

Where I come from donkeys do all the hard work @Donkeyshere hence the term `donkey work`

Ahhh now I see where you are coming from!