Anxiety and fretting

[Dutchman]

@Dutchman If your posts reflected what you were going through in caring or getting care for your wife, you were not weak. You were not selfish. You are not at fault. But you are right to blame Dementia - unfortunately that is one fight none of us can win at the moment.

None of us are Superwo/man, we are human and there is only so much we can do as carer of a loved one. I am fortunate to have a number of people in my family that helps care for my dad but even we have realised that there may be a point where he will have to go into a home when we can't do anymore than we are doing already. And as much as we know my dad didn't ever want to end up in a home, for his own good, if we can't look after him despite our best efforts - like you - a care home will be the best place for him to be as comfortable as possible.

This is so easy for me to type but only you appear to be blaming you. No-one else. Reading your posts, there is no doubt that you love your wife and still do. I so agree with your daughter and doctor in that you did the best thing for your wife.

As others have said, you still do have role in being there for your wife and your children, and help your wife get use to being at the home and making it her home. Please do contact your GP about counselling, consider about joining relevant groups in your area relating to your interests or what you're going through, and please continue to post on here.

I hope you get a good rest tonight.

Thank you for responding so quickly and with such positive thoughts. I really don’t know how I can get through this without you all. I just wish we could all meet up for mutual real hugs and a good cry together. I can only offer my promise that when I’ve got a chance, when I’m able to function better I will hope to support you all the way you’re supporting me in my hour of need.

Bless you, bless you all.

 

[Izzy]

@Dutchman we are all on a roller coaster. My husband died 3 years ago and I still feel as if I’m on one. I do remember the surreal feeling of it can’t be happening to me. I don’t have the experience of having someone in a care home as both my husband and my mum remained at home. However I didn’t have to deal with aggressiveness and was lucky enough to have a good support package.

As you know, you’re not alone. We all have our different experiences but we all understand - that’s what is important. You know there is always someone here to listen and understand.

 

[Vintagegal13]

Hello Dutchman, I am a long-time lurker (having cared for my mum who had lewy bodies dementia). I have joined the forum as I had to reply to your post.

Please, please be kind to yourself, you have some very good advice from the other forum members, and I can only add my tiny bit to it. Please don't beat yourself up, as others have said, you done the very best you could in the situation.

I am no longer a carer, but do have 15 years of experience in caring for my late mum. We are thrown into this situation, with no prior training and just do the best we can. I too have regrets on how I sometimes snapped and acted, but believe me, caring is a world apart as we all know, and it is the steepest learning curve I ever had, making mistakes along the way. None of us are perfect, we all have feelings and are all human, with our failings. You have done the best you could at the time, as we all do.

Sending you strength and hope.

I should think you are still in shock, so please be gentle on yourself and allow yourself time for this life-change to sink in.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Vintagegal13

 

[Vintagegal13]

*

Welcome to DTP @Vintagegal13

Thank you for your kind welcome - just hope I can be of some help x

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Thank you for responding so quickly and with such positive thoughts. I really don’t know how I can get through this without you all. I just wish we could all meet up for mutual real hugs and a good cry together. I can only offer my promise that when I’ve got a chance, when I’m able to function better I will hope to support you all the way you’re supporting me in my hour of need.

Bless you, bless you all.

I've always followed your posts, @Dutchman and the depth of your love for your wife is so plain to see. It is as unwavering now as it always has been.

But love is not a one-way thing! Your (without dementia) wife loved you equally and that person would be so distressed to see your current suffering. I'm sure she would say, 'No! You must not feel this way, you have done everything for me!' She would probably say that had the situation been reversed, she could not have cared for you nearly as well as you have cared for her or had your endless patience. She would definitely not want you to feel any guilt or have any regrets about things you did or didn't do.

Your promise to your wife was to love her forever. You will never break that promise. That is an incredible thing and that is all she wants.

Stay strong - your wife loves you and you love her - that hasn't changed and will never change.

 

[Dutchman]

I've always followed your posts, @Dutchman and the depth of your love for your wife is so plain to see. It is as unwavering now as it always has been.

But love is not a one-way thing! Your (without dementia) wife loved you equally and that person would be so distressed to see your current suffering. I'm sure she would say, 'No! You must not feel this way, you have done everything for me!' She would probably say that had the situation been reversed, she could not have cared for you nearly as well as you have cared for her or had your endless patience. She would definitely not want you to feel any guilt or have any regrets about things you did or didn't do.

Your promise to your wife was to love her forever. You will never break that promise. That is an incredible thing and that is all she wants.

Stay strong - your wife loves you and you love her - that hasn't changed and will never change.

here

I've always followed your posts, @Dutchman and the depth of your love for your wife is so plain to see. It is as unwavering now as it always has been.

But love is not a one-way thing! Your (without dementia) wife loved you equally and that person would be so distressed to see your current suffering. I'm sure she would say, 'No! You must not feel this way, you have done everything for me!' She would probably say that had the situation been reversed, she could not have cared for you nearly as well as you have cared for her or had your endless patience. She would definitely not want you to feel any guilt or have any regrets about things you did or didn't do.

Your promise to your wife was to love her forever. You will never break that promise. That is an incredible thing and that is all she wants.

Stay strong - your wife loves you and you love her - that hasn't changed and will never change.

I’m actually here outside the care home while my daughter goes in for the first time to see my wife, her mum. I’m in agony over what she will find. In my dreams I would say that she will want me to come in and everything will be fine. I just want her home. I want her back with me. I want the hurting to stop. I can’t get it out of my head that this is all my fault no matter what anyone says. I’m becoming a nuisance to everyone with my constant anxiety and crying. Better off if I’m out of it. How long will this go on?

 

[Dutchman]

I've always followed your posts, @Dutchman and the depth of your love for your wife is so plain to see. It is as unwavering now as it always has been.

But love is not a one-way thing! Your (without dementia) wife loved you equally and that person would be so distressed to see your current suffering. I'm sure she would say, 'No! You must not feel this way, you have done everything for me!' She would probably say that had the situation been reversed, she could not have cared for you nearly as well as you have cared for her or had your endless patience. She would definitely not want you to feel any guilt or have any regrets about things you did or didn't do.

Your promise to your wife was to love her forever. You will never break that promise. That is an incredible thing and that is all she wants.

Stay strong - your wife loves you and you love her - that hasn't changed and will never change.

Yes you’re right love is a two way street. So why do I feel wretched and with so many regrets.

I have poured my heart out on the forum and I don’t see that I can pull back now. I’ve talked to Samaritans, Dementia uk admiral nurses, I’m going to a counsellor and the pain continues. It all consuming and constant. I have to say these things to the forum as I’ve nowhere else to go, not at 9 at night.

This is the centre of everything.....my biggest mistake was of not being there for her when she wanted me and I really feel that ( putting aside the dementia for a moment ) my lack of consideration and understanding at times pushed her into not wanting to be here anymore with me but to return to the home of her parents ( long dead). I understand all the explanations of dementia behaviour but my brain won’t accept I’m not to blame.

In many respects I feel I’m letting you all down when you go to such great lengths to reassure me and give me comfort. Without you all I really don’t know how I’ve managed or will manage. Please stay with me for a while longer.

 

[Woo2]

oh @Dutchman your pain is so raw , I can’t say anything useful really just we are here and supporting you anyway we can, I hope in the passage of time you can come to see that you have done absolutely nothing wrong and you haven’t failed your wife , you are human. Personally I think you have done and will continue doing an amazing job keeping your wife safe and well cared for and loved , as others have said she would be so deeply upset if she knew how you were feeling. Please hang in there and know we are thinking of you . I’m sure you are not being a nuisance you just need some extra support at this time . Please be kind to yourself . Sending you a big hug and warm wishes.

 

[Grahamstown]

Consolation is all I can offer you @Dutchman your grief is human and I empathise as you struggle with your feelings. I hope you can rest tonight and then regroup tomorrow. Best wishes to you x

 

[canary]

Of course we will still be with you holding your virtual hand
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Dutchman

No matter how many regrets you have and how much guilt you feel, the past is done and regrets and guilt will not help you or your wife now.

If you can let the past go and concentrate on the present, perhaps you will eventually be able to enjoy some precious time with your wife in the future. If you can do this it might obliterate some of the trauma you are experiencing now.

 

[Bunpoots]

We're with you while you need us @Dutchman

((((((Hugs))))))

 

[Izzy]

You're not a nuisance @Dutchman and of course we will stay with you.

 

[Dutchman]

Hi everyone. just been reading through some of my older posts to try and get some perspective on the whole situation.

The guilt of placing Bridget in a home is as big as ever. And, I don’t mind telling you, what I did and what I said over those last months while she was here shocks me.

Here are the things I did or didn’t do
I shouted at her
I threatened her
I said nasty hurtful things to her
i had to hold myself back from lashing out at her sometimes
i was very self centred and felt angry that my life was extremely restricted
I knew it was the dementia to blame but I didn’t have enough patience and compassion to allow for this
i wished her gone and out of my life as the behaviour got worse
i was angry and resentful and took it out on her
i think most of all I turned into a selfish person, feeling ( with hindsight) that i only thought of myself ( which Bridget said many times).

So this is how living with a person with dementia affected me and I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over that feeling of guilt.

You see, part of the problem is that I still feel in many ways, I caused the dementia. I don’t think of myself as that nice man that others think I am. I cannot accept that Bridget’s vascular dementia just happened, like catching a disease, and I had no part in it.

God forgive me because I can’t

peter

 

[Grannie G]

It`s so easy with hindsight to reflect on our own behaviour Peter @Dutchman.

It`s so easy when we have time to think and are rested from the demands of caring.

Some of my behaviours towards my husband came from tiredness, despair, ignorance and hurt but none of them were malicious, all were human. I look back sometimes and feel regret and wish I knew then what I know now.

Dementia is a living-learning curve for all of us. No one enters the dementia world experienced in the demands it will make from us.

Guilt is self-destructive and wasted energy. Most of us did our best with what we had. We were all put to the test but it will not make it better that we find ourselves wanting.

 

[Grahamstown]

I have to say that the same faults could be levelled at me, dementia affects carers too and affects their behaviour as they struggle to survive. I too feel guilty at times but I have to remind myself of what I did do for his wellbeing. I know my daughter struggles with the same feelings of guilt about what she did or didn’t do, and I see her as an angel and she is always telling me that I did everything I could, but I know the truth and I can’t believe I did and said some things especially in the earlier days when I thought that something could be done to change his behaviour. The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring saved me. I don’t believe that we should punish ourselves for all we did just because we were human and we must forgive ourselves for our shortcomings in order to recover from the awfulness of the disease. Sue

 

[Dutchman]

I need to tell my fellow posters something which is pretty amazing. Went to see Bridget today with flowers and her favourite biscuits.

She came to the window and was pleased to see me. Then she turns to the staff and says it’s my husband ( didn’t remember my name). She hasn’t said that for a very long time. She then shows me a picture of me that’s she’s carrying around taken 6 years ago and recognises it as me. And then she sits and and I say see you tomorrow and she says ok without a trace of anxiety. Eating her biscuit the staff say to me she’s happy. Couldn’t keep this to myself....might be different next week of course
Peter

 

[canary]

A memory to treasure, Peter

 

[Izzy]

Oh wow @Dutchman! How lovely for you!

I hope this has given you some comfort. Thanks for sharing.