Dreading this

[Feistywoman]

My Mum went into a care home yesterday for 4 weeks emergency respite with a view to long term. I’d taken her to see it, all was well, she liked it and was happy when I left. I phoned last night and as suspected she hates it (I didn’t speak with her, just the nurse), she’s already tried to have a cigarette in her room and has been crying wanting to go home.

I’d promised I’d visit this evening which I’m now changing to afternoon and I’ll be staying away for the next couple of days but I was just looking for advice on how to handle things today. Should I try to divert, should I try to explain why she’s there...I’m not sure which tact I should be taking

 

[TNJJ]

My Mum went into a care home yesterday for 4 weeks emergency respite with a view to long term. I’d taken her to see it, all was well, she liked it and was happy when I left. I phoned last night and as suspected she hates it (I didn’t speak with her, just the nurse), she’s already tried to have a cigarette in her room and has been crying wanting to go home.

I’d promised I’d visit this evening which I’m now changing to afternoon and I’ll be staying away for the next couple of days but I was just looking for advice on how to handle things today. Should I try to divert, should I try to explain why she’s there...I’m not sure which tact I should be taking

Hi..I'm not sure that your mum would understand /or even listen to you.It is very early days and she will have to learn the routines.Once people have got used to the routines of the home,they normally settle but with others it can take longer.Maybe try and divert but that doesn't always work....As with the cigarettes there are normally carers that will take them out for a cigarette.

 

[Grannie G]

You could blame the doctor @Feistywoman

I used to tell my husband the doctor wanted him to build his strength up which was why he was in this convalescent home.

My husband was losing mobility so it was reasoning which he was able to accept ie. he could go home when his walking was better.

Does your Mum have any recognisable weakness you can home in on. Poor appetite? Sleeping badly? Unsteady on her legs?

If you can blame the doctor it will take the blame from you.

 

[Louise7]

I phoned last night and as suspected she hates it (I didn’t speak with her, just the nurse), she’s already tried to have a cigarette in her room and has been crying wanting to go home.

It's not uncommon for people to say that they hate the home and want to go home so hopefully the nurse explained the techniques that the staff will be using to help your Mum to settle. The 'trying to have a cigarette in her room' is more concerning - I hope that they have taken her lighters away so that she isn't able to smoke indoors? In my Mum's home lighters/matches are taken off residents who smoke and given only when the staff take them outside for a cigarette, due to the fire risks. Will your Mum remember that you promised to visit her today? If not then maybe consider giving the visit a miss for at least a few days to give her more time to settle.

 

[2jays]

Just my thoughts

As she is a smoker, would it be an idea to get some low does nicotine patches to help her with the withdrawal symptoms she might have, and wouldn’t over load her when she does have a cigarette

Hopefully that would help the “need” to smoke too often

 

[Spamar]

OH, a pipe smoker, had all his kit taken away when he entered the home, though they did say he could come and get it anytime. I think within a couple of weeks he forgot all about his pipe.
Every time he went into a home, (2x respite, once final) I was told not to visit for two weeks, so I would skip your planned visit this afternoon.

 

[Sarasa]

I couldn't visit my mum for the first ten days she was there as I was away, so I think skipping the visit unless you think she will remember that you're coming. I've stopped telling mum when I'll visit next. She is totally muddled about a lot of things, but seems to remember that and is on the look out for me till I arrive. The other week I got there and she was shouting at the carers that they were preventing me from visiting. Since then I've left with a vague 'see you soon'.
I'd also think of a good reason why she's there rather than at home, firmly putting the blame on circumstances, what the GP has ordered etc. That hasn't really worked with mum, but I'm still trying!

 

[canary]

It sounds to me like your mum is sundowning as well as not being settled yet.
I wouldnt visit today unless you have to and when you do visit dont visit too late in the afternoon - you want to avoid being there when she starts to sundown. I used to visit mum in her care home, but I always made sure that I was gone before 3;00pm as this was when she started sundowning and there would be a complete change in personality.

 

[Feistywoman]

Thank you all for your advice. I went along yesterday afternoon and she was absolutely fine. I took her outside for a couple of ciggies, they’ve taken her lighters off her but all the carers wear bum bags and lighters is one of the things they carry. Only thing was that she refused to get out of bed until after 11! I didn’t phone last night, I saw no point to going to bed upset again if she was unsettled. My son is going for a quick visit today and tomorrow, I’ll stay away for a few days.

 

[Champers]

Six weeks in the CH and the visits are becoming more and more of an ordeal. As soon as I arrive, Mother starts shouting, “Oh good. You’re here to take me home! I hate being in here with all these people!” She keeps on and on and won’t be distracted. Every thread of conversation returns to “going home” Distraction doesn’t work. I’ve tried taking photo albums in, pointing things out in her newspaper, the weather, the election! It’s always, “My bags are packed” “I’m leaving tomorrow” “I’m going back to Ireland” (her original nationality) “I’m my own boss - no one can stop me” “I won’t be here when you next visit” “I’m so bored” - and yet she’s declined opportunities to go on trips etc.


Selfishly, I’m sick of hearing it. She was in a complete state at home and I truly think she was days away from a hospital admission through self neglect before I moved her. I’ve reduced my visits to once a week and only stay 20 minutes or so as I can’t stand the constant haranguing. She’s definitely in the best place, looks fitter than she has for over a year but her memory is rapidly deteriorating. She can’t recall my son and daughter and asks constantly what their names are and how old they are and enquires constantly about long dead relatives - when she’s not demanding to go home!


I’m sorry. I know there’s no answer but just wanted to get it off my chest.

 

[TNJJ]

Six weeks in the CH and the visits are becoming more and more of an ordeal. As soon as I arrive, Mother starts shouting, “Oh good. You’re here to take me home! I hate being in here with all these people!” She keeps on and on and won’t be distracted. Every thread of conversation returns to “going home” Distraction doesn’t work. I’ve tried taking photo albums in, pointing things out in her newspaper, the weather, the election! It’s always, “My bags are packed” “I’m leaving tomorrow” “I’m going back to Ireland” (her original nationality) “I’m my own boss - no one can stop me” “I won’t be here when you next visit” “I’m so bored” - and yet she’s declined opportunities to go on trips etc.


Selfishly, I’m sick of hearing it. She was in a complete state at home and I truly think she was days away from a hospital admission through self neglect before I moved her. I’ve reduced my visits to once a week and only stay 20 minutes or so as I can’t stand the constant haranguing. She’s definitely in the best place, looks fitter than she has for over a year but her memory is rapidly deteriorating. She can’t recall my son and daughter and asks constantly what their names are and how old they are and enquires constantly about long dead relatives - when she’s not demanding to go home!


I’m sorry. I know there’s no answer but just wanted to get it off my chest.

I hear you! I’m going to see dad 1day a week on the day of my choosing.I cannot stand it either.
Most of dads friends have disappeared so it is left to me to “entertain “.I have never been good at that..
It is also the constant “when I can walk ,I can drive” Or I’m bored”..
It is enough to drive you to drink so I can totally sympathise!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Six weeks in the CH and the visits are becoming more and more of an ordeal. As soon as I arrive, Mother starts shouting, “Oh good. You’re here to take me home! I hate being in here with all these people!” She keeps on and on and won’t be distracted. Every thread of conversation returns to “going home” Distraction doesn’t work. I’ve tried taking photo albums in, pointing things out in her newspaper, the weather, the election! It’s always, “My bags are packed” “I’m leaving tomorrow” “I’m going back to Ireland” (her original nationality) “I’m my own boss - no one can stop me” “I won’t be here when you next visit” “I’m so bored” - and yet she’s declined opportunities to go on trips etc.


Selfishly, I’m sick of hearing it. She was in a complete state at home and I truly think she was days away from a hospital admission through self neglect before I moved her. I’ve reduced my visits to once a week and only stay 20 minutes or so as I can’t stand the constant haranguing. She’s definitely in the best place, looks fitter than she has for over a year but her memory is rapidly deteriorating. She can’t recall my son and daughter and asks constantly what their names are and how old they are and enquires constantly about long dead relatives - when she’s not demanding to go home!


I’m sorry. I know there’s no answer but just wanted to get it off my chest.

I do feel for you - you could be describing my mum rather than your own! Same conversation, same constant moaning, impossible to distract. I tried 'the doctor said...' but just got, 'I haven't seem any doctors!' I tried, 'You know you are here because you have dementia and need help with things...' but got, 'I know I had dementia but I'm better now!'

I got so fed up being blamed for her being there and for not getting her out that I escalated to: 'You're here because of a court order. The judge has ruled that you no longer have mental capacity and you must stay here. It wasn't my decision and there's nothing I can do about it!'

Yes, I felt really mean but I'm sure you understand how desperate things get. Mum did accept the 'court ruling' though claimed it was ridiculous. It didn't stop her complaints or wanting to leave but when I reminded her she was there by court order she generally gave up her protests for a while.

Mum died a few weeks ago but she was like this to the end...

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Six weeks in the CH and the visits are becoming more and more of an ordeal. As soon as I arrive, Mother starts shouting, “Oh good. You’re here to take me home! I hate being in here with all these people!” She keeps on and on and won’t be distracted. Every thread of conversation returns to “going home” Distraction doesn’t work. I’ve tried taking photo albums in, pointing things out in her newspaper, the weather, the election! It’s always, “My bags are packed” “I’m leaving tomorrow” “I’m going back to Ireland” (her original nationality) “I’m my own boss - no one can stop me” “I won’t be here when you next visit” “I’m so bored” - and yet she’s declined opportunities to go on trips etc.


Selfishly, I’m sick of hearing it. She was in a complete state at home and I truly think she was days away from a hospital admission through self neglect before I moved her. I’ve reduced my visits to once a week and only stay 20 minutes or so as I can’t stand the constant haranguing. She’s definitely in the best place, looks fitter than she has for over a year but her memory is rapidly deteriorating. She can’t recall my son and daughter and asks constantly what their names are and how old they are and enquires constantly about long dead relatives - when she’s not demanding to go home!


I’m sorry. I know there’s no answer but just wanted to get it off my chest.

you have done the right thing for your mum it is in her best interests.
She is safe. clean & fed. 24 hour care.
take some time out for you. behaviour like your mums is common & all you can do is say to her I’ve come to see you & talk to you. This is your home now.

Then get up & leave, tough to do but she will eventually settle into a routine it just might take a while.
Sending (((((((hugs)))))))))))
X

 

[Champers]

Thank you all for your replies - truly appreciated xx

Reassuring that her behaviour is far from unique. My mother has always been a forceful character and is used to getting her own way. All three of her late husbands were very passive and would do anything for a quiet life so I am wondering if, apart from just her dementia, she is railing against the fact that she is no longer calling the shots and things are not just on her terms?

I find it intriguing that, apart from her announcement when I arrive, she’s always planning her departure “tomorrow” or “in a few days” or “next week” Perhaps she doesn’t really want to leave but also doesn’t want to admit that she recognises that she’s in the best place?

I like the use of the court/judge. I did try blaming the doctor but she wasn’t having it, “Bloody doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” and I think I will have to be firm and say that I’m there to visit, not to discuss whether she is staying or not.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you all for your replies - truly appreciated xx

Reassuring that her behaviour is far from unique. My mother has always been a forceful character and is used to getting her own way. All three of her late husbands were very passive and would do anything for a quiet life so I am wondering if, apart from just her dementia, she is railing against the fact that she is no longer calling the shots and things are not just on her terms?

I find it intriguing that, apart from her announcement when I arrive, she’s always planning her departure “tomorrow” or “in a few days” or “next week” Perhaps she doesn’t really want to leave but also doesn’t want to admit that she recognises that she’s in the best place?

I like the use of the court/judge. I did try blaming the doctor but she wasn’t having it, “Bloody doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” and I think I will have to be firm and say that I’m there to visit, not to discuss whether she is staying or not.

Think your Mum sounds like my Mum. Mum has been in her CH 2 weeks now but I think I will get the same ‘conversation’ as you. I think I will be sharing your same frustration. I also think I am going to ‘pinch’ your line of I am there to visit not to discuss. Thank you, you have helped me and I can assure you your Mum’s behaviour is not unique

 

[sausagedog]

Thank you all for your replies - truly appreciated xx

Reassuring that her behaviour is far from unique. My mother has always been a forceful character and is used to getting her own way. All three of her late husbands were very passive and would do anything for a quiet life so I am wondering if, apart from just her dementia, she is railing against the fact that she is no longer calling the shots and things are not just on her terms?

I find it intriguing that, apart from her announcement when I arrive, she’s always planning her departure “tomorrow” or “in a few days” or “next week” Perhaps she doesn’t really want to leave but also doesn’t want to admit that she recognises that she’s in the best place?

I like the use of the court/judge. I did try blaming the doctor but she wasn’t having it, “Bloody doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” and I think I will have to be firm and say that I’m there to visit, not to discuss whether she is staying or not.

it gets extremely wearing when the PWD keeps on and on about going home doesn’t it & can be so upsetting too. I had many times after visiting when I couldn’t stop my tears because of difficult visits. My late mum for at least 6 months carried on about ‘going home’...she’ announced one day that her neighbour would be able to order her shopping online for her, carers could go in and I wouldn’t have to do ‘a tap’ but of course we’d already gone along this route of 4 x a day carers going in and it wasn’t enough .....didn’t stop the 3 falls that resulted in fractures including a broken hip .... I reminded her of this and she just looked blankly at me!!! And even in the care home, she wouldn’t always take her various meds and instead told staff to leave pills on her walking frame shelf and then visit the loo and throw them away - yet in the end, luckily, she did accept it all in the home & said how nice the staff were....

 

[Champers]

Absolutely, Sausagedog, Mother looks at me as though I’m the one with the issues! I know it’s partly the dementia talking, but when I know that without my intervention and putting so much in place, Mother would have been in a CH well over a year ago so it’s pretty galling when she has a go at me and is adamant that she shouldn’t be there. I kept her independent as long as I could - possibly a bit too long.

I arranged carers for her medication, whom she eventually dismissed disdainfully. Was extremely rude to meals on wheels. Regularly rejected the online supermarket order delivery I sorted for her. Told the home hairdresser I arranged that she was too busy to get her hair done and despite calling me several times a day saying how lonely she was, refused to attend the day centre, telling the driver that she had other arrangements.

It’s so hard not to feel guilty although logically I know I’ve done everything I could to make her life as comfortable as it can be.

 

[Henkerann]

My mum is very fortunate to be in very assisted living sheltered housing. We were lucky to get her there before she was diagnosed with vascular dementia and mixed alzheimers. That was in 2015. I have visited every day since she has been there and probably for the last year she has greeted me with "oh have you come to take me home?" in a distressed voice. Initially I was left not knowing what to say, then tried changing the subject and have now resorted to "No that's not possible because its too far, too late, no-one will be in, we'll go another day ect etc...You just have to try and remember the person with dementia does not think with the same logic as you, they are in the past and home for my mum at least is not what was our home, but what was her home and her Mum, Dad, Husband, brothers and sisters are there. She talks to me as if I am her sister (You know what it was like when we were younger) although refers to me by name or as her daughter and it took me a while to realise she was talking about her brother not mine (who share the same name).
It can be like a dripping tap when you are greeted with the same phrases day after day, but I cope a lot better now that I don't feel like I am telling her lies and am just saying things to make her feel better. It was no good telling her that her family were not around any more as she did not believe me and why would I make her grieve for them anyway.
There is no rule book with dementia, so I just agree and think up an appropriate answer or diversion.
Having interacted with some of the other residents in the sheltered housing whom also have dementia it would appear that the place they are living is not 'home' for any of them. At some stage or another they have all been going home (to their family home). Just go with it, it passes.
Best wishes to all those caring for a loved one.x

 

[sausagedog]

Absolutely, Sausagedog, Mother looks at me as though I’m the one with the issues! I know it’s partly the dementia talking, but when I know that without my intervention and putting so much in place, Mother would have been in a CH well over a year ago so it’s pretty galling when she has a go at me and is adamant that she shouldn’t be there. I kept her independent as long as I could - possibly a bit too long.

I arranged carers for her medication, whom she eventually dismissed disdainfully. Was extremely rude to meals on wheels. Regularly rejected the online supermarket order delivery I sorted for her. Told the home hairdresser I arranged that she was too busy to get her hair done and despite calling me several times a day saying how lonely she was, refused to attend the day centre, telling the driver that she had other arrangements.

It’s so hard not to feel guilty although logically I know I’ve done everything I could to make her life as comfortable as it can be.

I think you’ve been an absolute saint through this whole process, such a lot you’ve had to contend with for a long time....read your threads etc - you’ve done your best throughout - it’s all anyone can do - at least both of them are in the right place and they’re very lucky to have you!

 

[Champers]

I think you’ve been an absolute saint through this whole process, such a lot you’ve had to contend with for a long time....read your threads etc - you’ve done your best throughout - it’s all anyone can do - at least both of them are in the right place and they’re very lucky to have you!

Aw, Sausagedog, that’s so kind, I truly appreciate your post.

I’m not a saint really, I mutter and swear and chunter constantly! I visited today with Mother’s brother who hasn’t seen her for about two years. He did really well and was very positive and upbeat and wouldn’t let her get a word in about “going home” (prompted him beforehand) He told her she looked so good and what an amazing difference he saw in her etc etc. All going well when suddenly, out it came, “Well, I’m leaving tomorrow, I hate this place!”
Something I’ve never done before, I asked her to give me just one reason why she hated the place. There was a very, very long pause, then finally, “They’re not the sort of people I was brought up with.” If that’s the only justification she could come up with, I think we’re doing pretty well and it can’t be that bad, otherwise a list of negatives would have tripped off her tongue.