Frustration with a parent

[mousebird]

First time poster here, not sure if i am doing this right!
My dad has fairly severe, officially un-diagnosed dementia and has been steadily deteriorating since the beginning of the year. My frustration however is not with him its with my mum. She currently does most of his care, apart from a get up and put to bed carer (which she is very resistant to) and day by day she is getting more and more frustrated and agitated not only by my dad but with everything in life in general. Her physical health is not 100% so I feel she is slowly starting to run herself into the ground. However when you try and talk to her and offer advice or guidance she will either brush you off of get angry that she is being told off.
I understand that being with my dad for 24 hrs a day must be physically and mentally exhausting but shes so resistant to any extra support - even from myself and my partner.
I know this is more of a statement than a question but i just wondered if anyone has experience something similar and has any idea or suggestions of ways to approach this.
Thank You

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @mousebird you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

These behaviours are all too common but it's not always possible to accommodate this. It really does sound that a care needs assessment is required.

Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

First time poster here, not sure if i am doing this right!
My dad has fairly severe, officially un-diagnosed dementia and has been steadily deteriorating since the beginning of the year. My frustration however is not with him its with my mum. She currently does most of his care, apart from a get up and put to bed carer (which she is very resistant to) and day by day she is getting more and more frustrated and agitated not only by my dad but with everything in life in general. Her physical health is not 100% so I feel she is slowly starting to run herself into the ground. However when you try and talk to her and offer advice or guidance she will either brush you off of get angry that she is being told off.
I understand that being with my dad for 24 hrs a day must be physically and mentally exhausting but shes so resistant to any extra support - even from myself and my partner.
I know this is more of a statement than a question but i just wondered if anyone has experience something similar and has any idea or suggestions of ways to approach this.
Thank You

Yes, oh yes!
But at least you managed to get care in twice a day!
Mother wouldn’t let them over the doorstep.
I’m afraid you just have to step back & let your Mum have control; until she asks for more.
It’s a complicated issue, but with carers in twice a day they will be monitoring your Dad & flag any concerns.
GP assessment is another option
Good luck & let us know how things go

 

[marionq]

Would your mother read TP and see for herself the problems people are dealing with and the steps she might take to improve things?

 

[Lawson58]

Some of the ways you describe your mum make me wonder if she isn't suffering some form of depression.
This would not be unusual when caring for someone, especially over a period of time. She is maybe of the generation that believed you just had to get on with things and bottle up all your stress and emotions.

The trouble with bottling everything up is that quite often the bottle develops a crack or maybe breaks and that is when all this stuff happens. I think you need to get your mum to her GP but you need to alert the GP ahead of time. Is it coming up to time for flu injections? Or maybe you can think of another way to get her there.

But I see from what you say to similarities to what I went through for quite a while as a carer under difficult conditions and I know that the last thing I wanted to do was admit that I was having such deep and distressing problems. Fortunately, I have a very understanding and supportive GP and he has been very helpful.

I do know that if I had talked to my daughter about my mental state, I would have ended in floods of tears. Perhaps your mum might feel the same.

 

[mousebird]

Thank you all for your replies!
@karaokePete thank you for your advice, i have certainly look around all of these leaflets myself and cherry picked a few that I think will be suitable for her to read, now just the challenge of getting her to read and understand them.

@DesperateofDevon thank god care is in place - but this has only happened as a result of a hospital admission, because when i had suggested it months ago it was unecessary!! This is where most of my frustration lie - her not listening to my advice.

I think after reading your advice and some other posts i need to give her time to open up and be more willing to accept the help - i am just worried that shes not doing enough to look after herself or him

 

[DesperateofDevon]

@mousebird as the saying goes “you can take a horse to water , but you can’t make it drink!”
My mum plays power games still even with dementia
It’s a nightmare for relatives.
No your mum might not be doing enough to look after your Dad & not looking after herself is an extension of this.
I can only recommend respite care to get your Dad on an even keel.
My Dad is content in the CH, it breaks my heart to say this but it’s the best place for him. He’s loved & nurtured there; no one telling him he’s stupid or lazy. No judgements just unconditional care.

Meanwhile mother sits in her own bodily fluids most of the day on her own.
What can you do?!

 

[Pete1]

Hi Mousebird, I went through the same experience with my Mum who cared from my Dad (who had dementia) for many years, sadly to the detriment of her own health. I agree with some of the other posts, it is a positive that you have some care support (albeit seemingly grudgingly accepted by Mum). Your Mum probably feels that it is her responsibility i.e. in sickness and in health, and likely has feelings of failure and guilt if she can't do it all. I think all you can do is continue to support her by keeping in close contact and offering to help (and not get offended when she may on occasion seem off-hand after a bad day), popping round to see her and Dad and perhaps occasionally trying to take her out (if someone else can look after Dad) even if it's for a couple of hours (although I appreciate she may be reticent at first as she will be worried how anyone else will be able to cope with him). It is a gradual process. Unfortunately a lot of carers (and I include myself in this when I fulfilled the role), rather ironically, don't always take the best care of themselves! But I think it's great that your Mum has you looking out for her.

 

[myss]

Hi Mousebird, I went through the same experience with my Mum who cared from my Dad (who had dementia) for many years, sadly to the detriment of her own health. I agree with some of the other posts, it is a positive that you have some care support (albeit seemingly grudgingly accepted by Mum). Your Mum probably feels that it is her responsibility i.e. in sickness and in health, and likely has feelings of failure and guilt if she can't do it all. I think all you can do is continue to support her by keeping in close contact and offering to help (and not get offended when she may on occasion seem off-hand after a bad day), popping round to see her and Dad and perhaps occasionally trying to take her out (if someone else can look after Dad) even if it's for a couple of hours (although I appreciate she may be reticent at first as she will be worried how anyone else will be able to cope with him). It is a gradual process. Unfortunately a lot of carers (and I include myself in this when I fulfilled the role), rather ironically, don't always take the best care of themselves! But I think it's great that your Mum has you looking out for her.

Fully agree with every sentence of this post, the first one is exactly my parent's experience and my mum, despite being offered help by her kids, pushed herself and suffered an aneurysm in her brain that she had not recovered from and now needs as much care as my dad.
Keep offering your help like Pete1 says, maybe even insist she goes out for a few hours or so as a breather while you or someone else stays with your dad. All the best to you xx