I'm glad to have somewhere to post my thoughts as I am well acquainted with the disease due to my dad who is now dead, passed away from Alzheimer's Disease in 1997. He spent his last 5 years in a nursing home for AD. My dad had fallen on me as I worked on an art project for my church and to this day, I have back trouble which sometimes has me in a wheelchair.
My husband now, post prostate cancer survivor having had surgery, which was now over 2 years ago, has what appears to me to be the same thing my dad had. But he also has a narcissitic personality and has through the years done many things to me, acting out of his dissorder which appears to be hereditary as his father was also like this. It isn't that he does not have some good qualities, but he can and has been dangerous and seems to find this behavior rewarding.
He covers for himself so very well, and it is hard to tell whether his apparent memory issues are not a new means of finding a new way to be able to scare me to death or get away with injuring me.
My dad was a very soft-spoken and kind man but with Alzheimer's, a man still has a big body while his mind takes flights of fancy into dementia. This big body can hurt even when it was not done on purpose.
The difference with what my husband's behavior is telling me, is that it may be on purpose or he really has two conditions.
He is a Navy Vet and is retired so we have access to the VA for healthcare for him. Our middle son works for CalVET in an administrative capacity. This son is also partially dissabled from injuries he got when he was on board ship as a Damage Controlman. So I really have to carry this mantle of my husband's problems all alone. My son has IBS and has been hospitalized many times for it, having rescued a man who fell into the ship's bilge. He contracted hepatitis, and though that was cured, has had dreadful IBS since then. To share with him the stress I am under could put him in the hospital. His wife is wonderful, but it is not her father. And she has disablities from the Army herself and is a full-time art teacher for elementary students.
My eldest son is second in charge of a manufacturing plant making trains for the under ground commuter trains in LA. He works 60+ hours, has one son with his wife and has himself, back issues. So he can't help and the youngest lives in New Hampshire and my husband and I live clear across country from him.
My husband has recently taken to turning left in front of fast incoming traffic and with me as passenger, I'll die first. I think that may be his idea. He's done this twice in the last two weeks. Both times I end up with diarrhea from the stress and then I can't sleep and this last time the stress with my back, and I spent time in the wheelchair. We've moved lately so I've done more lifting than is advisable but that is the nature of having to move.
My husband can hide his narcissism from psychologists and psychiatrists and seem to be a very wonderful person. But to let you know that my father-in-law who died of Parkinson's induced dementia, broke bones in his caregiver wife, retired from the nursing profession. She has brittle bone. I do not. She is 85 and I am 66. So I can understand what she was going through.
My relationship is a love/hate one with a lot of guilt that I can't be a better Christian and anger that I have to deal with this. So much emotional misery through many years that I attempted suicide once. As you can see, I did not succeed. But at some point I just don't want to do this. But there is no one who can lift this off of my shoulders and the only one with enough education and compassion to do so, also has a 60% disability from the Navy with his IBS and other injuries he sustained.
My dad has Alzheimer's for about 20 years when he passed. I am the age he was when his memory impairment became obvious. Even so, he worked to age 70. Caregiving took my mother's life in the stress or at least made her other health issues that much worse.
To say I am not looking forward to the future is an understatement. To say that death looks preferable no longer looks insane to me, even that the one who daily makes life hell for me, would pass away, is both on my mind and a source of constant guilty on my part and shame. I would not wish my life on anyone.
To cope with my own health, I've lost weight by becoming a plant-based vegan. My blood-work looks like it did in my 30s. I could still lose some more weight but stress keeps some of the weight on and my husband is paranoid that if I take a walk, someone would hurt me. There is a lot of homelessness in our area, and that part may be unlikely but it is not totally out of the question.
Sometimes getting my thoughts out of my own head helps me. To say I am tired of injuries I have endured just sleeping next to him and "wonk" over comes his arm, or a fist in my spine where I was injured, has happened at least 5 times. He had repeatedly kick me in a leg which was operated on for a period of 2 years until I left him. We later reconciled but his "convenient accidents" have been a part of him as his parents were also physically abusive to him. So I have compassion on my husband but at some point, my pity has to include me too. The psychology of trying to make me seem nuts, has also been a source of great entertainment to him. So he may be able to draw a clock face, but is he nice to live with? NO!
Yes, seniors do have ordinary forgetting, but he forgets we have automatic outdoor lights which he can turn off which he did yesterday. He tried to change the bulbs in LED outdoor lights. He almost screwed new LED screw-base bulbs into a socket which isn't there. So is that rational? But I'm sure he could talk his way into making me look like the crazy person. This part ****es me off.
With his post cancer life, I've weaned him mostly of meats, eggs and 100% off of dairy because these can trigger cancer and in the process have got both his blood pressure and blood sugar down. He was never diabetic except pre-diabetic and he did have to take blood pressure pills. And the pill he was on was recalled for making one susceptible to prostate cancer. He is now incontinent in his urine and he should lose more weight, but he is addicted to snacking. There are loads of vegan junk foods too.
That I am drinking more wine to escape is not healthy for me. I'd just like to say "Stop the world, I'd like to get off." But if I took myself out of the equation, our dear middle son, it could be the death of him as he'd grieve, he's very close to both of us. He loves his dad though he knows his dad is to say the least, not a very nice person at times and at others, extremely nice. So it it like having hot flashes. With very little temperature in between when normalcy prevails. This is my life and don't know what to do about it.
My husband now, post prostate cancer survivor having had surgery, which was now over 2 years ago, has what appears to me to be the same thing my dad had. But he also has a narcissitic personality and has through the years done many things to me, acting out of his dissorder which appears to be hereditary as his father was also like this. It isn't that he does not have some good qualities, but he can and has been dangerous and seems to find this behavior rewarding.
He covers for himself so very well, and it is hard to tell whether his apparent memory issues are not a new means of finding a new way to be able to scare me to death or get away with injuring me.
My dad was a very soft-spoken and kind man but with Alzheimer's, a man still has a big body while his mind takes flights of fancy into dementia. This big body can hurt even when it was not done on purpose.
The difference with what my husband's behavior is telling me, is that it may be on purpose or he really has two conditions.
He is a Navy Vet and is retired so we have access to the VA for healthcare for him. Our middle son works for CalVET in an administrative capacity. This son is also partially dissabled from injuries he got when he was on board ship as a Damage Controlman. So I really have to carry this mantle of my husband's problems all alone. My son has IBS and has been hospitalized many times for it, having rescued a man who fell into the ship's bilge. He contracted hepatitis, and though that was cured, has had dreadful IBS since then. To share with him the stress I am under could put him in the hospital. His wife is wonderful, but it is not her father. And she has disablities from the Army herself and is a full-time art teacher for elementary students.
My eldest son is second in charge of a manufacturing plant making trains for the under ground commuter trains in LA. He works 60+ hours, has one son with his wife and has himself, back issues. So he can't help and the youngest lives in New Hampshire and my husband and I live clear across country from him.
My husband has recently taken to turning left in front of fast incoming traffic and with me as passenger, I'll die first. I think that may be his idea. He's done this twice in the last two weeks. Both times I end up with diarrhea from the stress and then I can't sleep and this last time the stress with my back, and I spent time in the wheelchair. We've moved lately so I've done more lifting than is advisable but that is the nature of having to move.
My husband can hide his narcissism from psychologists and psychiatrists and seem to be a very wonderful person. But to let you know that my father-in-law who died of Parkinson's induced dementia, broke bones in his caregiver wife, retired from the nursing profession. She has brittle bone. I do not. She is 85 and I am 66. So I can understand what she was going through.
My relationship is a love/hate one with a lot of guilt that I can't be a better Christian and anger that I have to deal with this. So much emotional misery through many years that I attempted suicide once. As you can see, I did not succeed. But at some point I just don't want to do this. But there is no one who can lift this off of my shoulders and the only one with enough education and compassion to do so, also has a 60% disability from the Navy with his IBS and other injuries he sustained.
My dad has Alzheimer's for about 20 years when he passed. I am the age he was when his memory impairment became obvious. Even so, he worked to age 70. Caregiving took my mother's life in the stress or at least made her other health issues that much worse.
To say I am not looking forward to the future is an understatement. To say that death looks preferable no longer looks insane to me, even that the one who daily makes life hell for me, would pass away, is both on my mind and a source of constant guilty on my part and shame. I would not wish my life on anyone.
To cope with my own health, I've lost weight by becoming a plant-based vegan. My blood-work looks like it did in my 30s. I could still lose some more weight but stress keeps some of the weight on and my husband is paranoid that if I take a walk, someone would hurt me. There is a lot of homelessness in our area, and that part may be unlikely but it is not totally out of the question.
Sometimes getting my thoughts out of my own head helps me. To say I am tired of injuries I have endured just sleeping next to him and "wonk" over comes his arm, or a fist in my spine where I was injured, has happened at least 5 times. He had repeatedly kick me in a leg which was operated on for a period of 2 years until I left him. We later reconciled but his "convenient accidents" have been a part of him as his parents were also physically abusive to him. So I have compassion on my husband but at some point, my pity has to include me too. The psychology of trying to make me seem nuts, has also been a source of great entertainment to him. So he may be able to draw a clock face, but is he nice to live with? NO!
Yes, seniors do have ordinary forgetting, but he forgets we have automatic outdoor lights which he can turn off which he did yesterday. He tried to change the bulbs in LED outdoor lights. He almost screwed new LED screw-base bulbs into a socket which isn't there. So is that rational? But I'm sure he could talk his way into making me look like the crazy person. This part ****es me off.
With his post cancer life, I've weaned him mostly of meats, eggs and 100% off of dairy because these can trigger cancer and in the process have got both his blood pressure and blood sugar down. He was never diabetic except pre-diabetic and he did have to take blood pressure pills. And the pill he was on was recalled for making one susceptible to prostate cancer. He is now incontinent in his urine and he should lose more weight, but he is addicted to snacking. There are loads of vegan junk foods too.
That I am drinking more wine to escape is not healthy for me. I'd just like to say "Stop the world, I'd like to get off." But if I took myself out of the equation, our dear middle son, it could be the death of him as he'd grieve, he's very close to both of us. He loves his dad though he knows his dad is to say the least, not a very nice person at times and at others, extremely nice. So it it like having hot flashes. With very little temperature in between when normalcy prevails. This is my life and don't know what to do about it.
