Dear John
I care for my mum. When concerns first started about her memory in early 2015 an appointment was made with the Memory Clinic. I was going with my mum and made an appointment with a local Alzheimer’s Society representative. I realised to support my mum I could not turn up not knowing what to expect at the clinic. I was warned at that stage my family might not be supportive, that this was quite common. Actually my siblings have been as supportive as they can be. The difference is I live with mum and experience her condition fully. They visit weekly but I can contact them if I need to. I got support when I needed day surgery where I was kept in overnight unexpectedly.
I cannot really understand the world you outline. Sorry to be blunt but being in denial is basically piffle by others. Being selfish, unable to cope with tricky emotions, concerned they might have to do something, etc, are more realistic reasons to explain their behaviour. You only had to ask, phone not answered when rung, arriving when a built in need to get away to beat the traffic, etc, are just lame excuses for bad behaviour. Not knowing how to react to someone with dementia is easy solved. Step into the room, say sorry for what has happened to them, then most importantly how can I help beyond what we already share? Okay a few social clangers early on, but lessons soon learnt if the good will is there. My words are for your eyes. You are trying for the sake of your wife to get others to step up to the plate. Just keep in your own mind and thoughts a clear view of what you are dealing with.
I am glad your wife has you by her side. It seems dementia sorts out the chaff from the wheat. You are in an impossible position. You see the upset they cause, but are limited in what you can say to step relatives. Just know deep down you are doing the right thing. In the end that is the crucial point. Carers come in all shapes and sizes, but we can speak up for each other. Your doing a great job. Others not really helping then in the end they have to face the bathroom mirror, answer the internal questions, etc. Get on and enjoy the walks, the wildlife, the changing seasons, etc. Sorry for the upset to the wife caused by others, but concentrate on the positives you have between you.
Best wishes for the future.
