OH in Care Home

Wifenotcarer

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Mar 11, 2018
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Firstly I must apologise to Northumbrian for diverting his thread to talk about my own experience.
With hindsight, I should have started a new thread of my own then but was not thinking straight.

OH has now been settled into his 'just up the street' lovely care home for 2.5 weeks. I visited daily for the first 10 days and then went on a weeks holiday with the rest of the family. Unfortunately he had a 'blow-up' during the last visit when he was really nasty to me and our daughter, accusing us of selfishly abandoning him to go 'gallivanting'.

We have had a lovely relaxing week away, which I have spent 'living in the moment', enjoying time with the 3 Grandchildren, keeping busy, so I slept like a log, not allowing any deep thoughts to intrude. Home yesterday, to an empty house. I am almost 73 and have never lived alone, having married at 19 and moved straight from my parent's to our first home as a married couple. It feels very strange. The man from a couple we have been friends with for years, came to the door this am to report a minor problem in the garden while we were away. I said 'come in' as usual but he said 'better not' and insisted on remaining on the doorstep. A sharp lesson on my new 'status'.

Getting ready now to visit OH. I have no idea what kind of reception I will get from him. We phoned the home while we were away and they reported that everything was fine, as did the various friends who have visited OH in our absence. They all reported that he did not ask after me at all.
 

Wifenotcarer

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Mar 11, 2018
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Good luck. He may have forgotten all about it. Hope it goes well.

You were right Guzelle. He had forgotten all about the row. He did say that he had not seen me for ages. I reminded him we had been away to the Island and then he remembered. I gave him a present from there and told him about our adventures and how the ferry trip there had taken 6.5 hours because of ferry problems and how we had taken four hours to drive home by a devious route, because an accident had blocked the main road. He immediately said he was glad he had not gone with us. I did get a few big hugs and a couple of pecks on the cheek but when it was time for me to go he asked if he could come with me because he didn't like it there, the Home was full of peculiar people and the staff were bossy. However I maneuvered him through to the dining room, only to be told that lunch was late and I could stay a while longer - ARRGH!.

Not a bad visit all told. OH was perfectly pleasant and let me go with the promise of another visit 'soon'.
 

Guzelle

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Aug 27, 2016
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Sheffield
Glad it went well for you. Sometimes the memory loss is useful when the are raging about something as they soon forget especially after a sleep. I can’t imagine my OH agreeing to a care home but I’m at the end of my tether. He has recently gone down hill. He can’t manage the health walks anymore he doesn’t like being left alone so I can’t go either! When we go shopping he is hurrying me up all the time.

He sleeps 16 hours a day, 12 hours at night then dozing on and off all day. He’s not eating as much either, memory much worse and looking frail. I wonder if we are entering the final stages. He doesn’t recognise people he didn’t know who my sister was today and he sees her at least once a week.
 

northumbrian_k

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Mar 2, 2017
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Hi @Wifenotcarer, there is no need to apologise. Forums are living entities and threads will develop in whichever way they can. I'm not keen on long-running threads anyway so keeping that one going quite so long was a bit unusual for me. After 11 weeks I realised that even my own posts could hardly be classed as "First thoughts" anymore.

Enjoyment is not the right word, but I do get information and some solace from reading what other people post, even if sometimes the situations described are gruesome. The great strength of Dementia Talking Point is that one is able to post almost anything and get an intelligent and caring response.

I know from my own experience that building up for a visit can be more challenging than the visit itself. One never knows what reception will be waiting and, just like the dementia that causes it, this will vary every time. Just remember that your husband is in the home because that is what he needs. You have done your best for him and are continuing to do so.

I must confess to being amused that others in your community might now consider it unseemly to cross your threshold.
 

Grannie G

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Apr 3, 2006
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said 'come in' as usual but he said 'better not' and insisted on remaining on the doorstep. A sharp lesson on my new 'status

Oh my word! How sad.

It does sound as though your first visit after being away went as well as it could have.
 

Wifenotcarer

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Mar 11, 2018
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Central Scotland
Is it normal to feel all at sea. lost, and incapable of previously simple tasks, when you are suddenly 'all alone' with time on your hands? or is it just me that seems to have become really old and doddery? Is it the loss of the strict routine and having a muiltitude of things that require urgent attention, leaving you with no time or energy to think deep thoughts or plan ahead?

I have certainly plenty of tasks requiring attention - cancelling attendance allowance, taking a copy of the POA to the Care Home, setting up a Direct Debit for the fees, and many more, but I fall at the first hurdle - can't login to the Bank Account, or work the printer and now the car won't start, totally 'dead' and the garage, who were to phone back early this am, have not and their phone is just ringing out, so I am stuck indoors waiting for their call instead of working in the garden (the rain has come on anyway).

OH's 3 week assessment at the Home went well yesterday, final assessment in three weeks but I can't find the paperwork I was given which detailed the time and date etc. Probably left in the home!!!

Sorry about the tales of woe. Hoping that someone can reassure me that this state of inertia and confusion will also pass and I shall return to something like my normal competent self.
 

northumbrian_k

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Mar 2, 2017
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Is your husband entirely self-funding @Wifenotcarer? My reason for asking is that, if he is, there is no need to cancel attendance allowance. It remains payable unless some or all of the fees are being paid for by your local council. I telephoned the AA number to let them know that my wife had moved into care on a self-funding basis and subsequently received a letter confirming that the allowance would still be paid. I am presuming that Scotland is no different in this respect.
 

kindred

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Apr 8, 2018
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Is it normal to feel all at sea. lost, and incapable of previously simple tasks, when you are suddenly 'all alone' with time on your hands? or is it just me that seems to have become really old and doddery? Is it the loss of the strict routine and having a muiltitude of things that require urgent attention, leaving you with no time or energy to think deep thoughts or plan ahead?

I have certainly plenty of tasks requiring attention - cancelling attendance allowance, taking a copy of the POA to the Care Home, setting up a Direct Debit for the fees, and many more, but I fall at the first hurdle - can't login to the Bank Account, or work the printer and now the car won't start, totally 'dead' and the garage, who were to phone back early this am, have not and their phone is just ringing out, so I am stuck indoors waiting for their call instead of working in the garden (the rain has come on anyway).

OH's 3 week assessment at the Home went well yesterday, final assessment in three weeks but I can't find the paperwork I was given which detailed the time and date etc. Probably left in the home!!!

Sorry about the tales of woe. Hoping that someone can reassure me that this state of inertia and confusion will also pass and I shall return to something like my normal competent self.
Yes, I am sure it is normal. The imperatives of caring are tight and we obey them and then suddenly they are not there. I took a long long time to be able to focus to read more than a newspaper when my husband went into a nursing home - and I actually teach focus to students at University!! I took my own advice and practised engaged reading (more anon on focus if anyone wants it).
The key to this situation you said yourself, we no longer have the urgency. That kind of lets us fire on all cylinders and then when we don't have to, it's a bit numbing and we are back in the general incompetence of the outside world ...
Also I think we get out of the habit of planning ahead.
You will get your energy back. You do not sound old and doddery to me!
warmest, Kindred.
 

Wifenotcarer

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Mar 11, 2018
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Is your husband entirely self-funding @Wifenotcarer? My reason for asking is that, if he is, there is no need to cancel attendance allowance. It remains payable unless some or all of the fees are being paid for by your local council. I telephoned the AA number to let them know that my wife had moved into care on a self-funding basis and subsequently received a letter confirming that the allowance would still be paid. I am presuming that Scotland is no different in this respect.
I am afraid that It is different in Scotland. I phoned the AA number today and they explained that because most people in Care Homes in Scotland are entitled to 'Free Personal Care' paid by the Scottish Government they do not get attendance allowance once they have been in a care home for 4 weeks.
 

northumbrian_k

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Mar 2, 2017
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I am afraid that It is different in Scotland. I phoned the AA number today and they explained that because most people in Care Homes in Scotland are entitled to 'Free Personal Care' paid by the Scottish Government they do not get attendance allowance once they have been in a care home for 4 weeks.

I stand corrected.
 

Wifenotcarer

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Mar 11, 2018
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Oh - thank G somebody feels the same as me. My OH moved into a care home around 7 weeks and I am finding it so hard to settle without the stress of caring for him. It has got a little better week by week - but fundamentally I feel all at sea (as you put it so well). I need a support group!
An unexpected result of our changed circumstances (i.e. OH now settled in residential care) is that I hardly get any visitors. The family and friends who used to pop in at least once a week, ostensibly to see OH, but in fact spent most of the time blethering to me as OH would nod off during the visit, no longer come here. Instead they go direct to the care home to see OH and tell him all their news, which of course he forgets and even forgets they have been. It used to be that if I needed to go out, one of our daughters would come to 'Dad sit' while i was gone and would stay on for a chat when I returned, or maybe cut the grass, pick fruit, hang the washing out, sort my computer, etc. while I was out.

I am feeling just a tad neglected............ Anyone else found this happening? Any suggestions?
 

Rosebush

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Apr 2, 2018
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An unexpected result of our changed circumstances (i.e. OH now settled in residential care) is that I hardly get any visitors. The family and friends who used to pop in at least once a week, ostensibly to see OH, but in fact spent most of the time blethering to me as OH would nod off during the visit, no longer come here. Instead they go direct to the care home to see OH and tell him all their news, which of course he forgets and even forgets they have been. It used to be that if I needed to go out, one of our daughters would come to 'Dad sit' while i was gone and would stay on for a chat when I returned, or maybe cut the grass, pick fruit, hang the washing out, sort my computer, etc. while I was out.

I am feeling just a tad neglected............ Anyone else found this happening? Any suggestions?
Hi, I know exactly how you feel, my husband has been in care since February, at first our children made the effort to visit their dad but now they rarely go, saying it's too upsetting! we have 3 children and 6 grandchildren, I do see my 2 sons maybe every couple of weeks and they phone to see if I am ok, unlike my daughter who only lives 5 minutes walk away, she hardly ever phones and the last time I saw her was about 5 weeks ago and yes I do feel neglected.
 

Roseleigh

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Dec 26, 2016
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Hi, I know exactly how you feel, my husband has been in care since February, at first our children made the effort to visit their dad but now they rarely go, saying it's too upsetting! we have 3 children and 6 grandchildren, I do see my 2 sons maybe every couple of weeks and they phone to see if I am ok, unlike my daughter who only lives 5 minutes walk away, she hardly ever phones and the last time I saw her was about 5 weeks ago and yes I do feel neglected.

I feel a bit that way too, three children one daughter rings a couple of times a week and while she does her 'bit' and does care, I often find her very irritable and short fused, never actually asks how I am and often doesnt want to talk about dementia when I do. Other daughter who for years was very close and rang me about four or five times a week cut back after her fathers diagnosis it seemed. She has since become a mother herself and I am very much feel less important to her now, chats are brief and fitted into her busy life, and if I complain she describes it as being 'needy'. Perhaps this is normal as adult children centre themselves on their own young families and less on their family of birth, but it still hurts, and especially when prevously one had been so close. Son has always been more unreliable about keeping in touch and continues to meet duty call once a week if I am lucky and a very occasional visit though just forty miles away which isnt that far. Are we all expecting too much? A home with a PWD isnt a fun place and can we blame them for wanting to make it a smaller part of their lives?
 

Roseleigh

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Dec 26, 2016
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I am feeling just a tad neglected............ Anyone else found this happening? Any suggestions?

How about asking them to let you know when theyre visiting their dad so you can go at the same time as its a bit depressing visiting him on your own. You might then find theyll come back for a cup of tea after. They probably havent thought and imagine now you are 'free' your life is better, when the reality is its a kind of widowhood.
 

Wifenotcarer

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Mar 11, 2018
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Central Scotland
They probably havent thought and imagine now you are 'free' your life is better, when the reality is its a kind of widowhood.
Roseleigh I think you have hit the nail on the head. I am sure that is exactly what they think. They are encouraging me to resume my busy life pre-caring and I am trying, but find that I have become bitter and prone to moan to anyone who will listen. Must try harder to be upbeat when in company or no one will want to visit or spend time with me.
 

Grannie G

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Apr 3, 2006
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Kent
You're having to make such a big adjustment @Wifenotcarer I doubt anyone can appreciate how much your life has changed unless they have experienced it themselves.

Our son also had to make a similar adjustment. He was very upset when my husband went into residential care, not because of the decision we made together, but because he would be visiting us under different roofs, which to him felt as is we had separated.

Give family and friends time. Their sympathy probably lies mostly with your husband. He is the one who is ill and who has to be cared for. Perhaps they feel you are the one who has been relieved of the stress of full time caring so should be fine.

They don`t understand you are experiencing separation and all manner of emotions.

I can only suggest you make your feelings known. Explain how you are feeling. Friends and family are probably totally unaware