What can I do? New to dementia

[Loveislove]

Hi!

About a month-and-a-half ago I started caregiving for a wonderful woman who had started to slip into dementia. it's vascular dementia as it started after she got a concussion which was due to having a stroke.

aside from all of the emotions that I'm trying to reconcile and being an empathic person as well, I simply want to know if there's anything I can do twohey's her mind when she's having what I call dementia fantasies. He has the ability it seems to go from dr. Jekyll to mr. Hyde.

I would like to know if there is any way to effectively interrupt one of these episodes? is there anything that can be done to end them both for the Peace of mind of her me and her husband?

she's begun having these episodes more regularly and almost seems to live in a dream world all the time. she's very confused about time, her sleep schedule lately has changed entirely and she seems to be sleeping a lot during the day and having a lot of her issues at night.

I know what I would do for anybody else, but the research that I've done on dementia has told me that she simply doesn't have the ability to interpret the world the way she used to and that's can't understand things the way she is too. And because she's living in this alternate reality, it really feels like there's nothing much that I can do, but I don't want to indulge all of these horrible lies that are causing her so much pain.

I've never posted a thread before on any website so I'm hoping that this is appropriate. I'm simply trying to find out if there's anything that I can do so that I can do it, and if there's nothing I can really do then I would like to know how to stay sane and detached in a loving way.

if anyone has absolutely anything to offer me in any of these areas or anything helpful that perhaps I've missed, I'm completely open and would gladly welcome anything.

In high hopes that I hear from somebody soon, thank you so much!

 

[karaokePete]

Welcome to the forum.

There is a useful thread that gives plenty of tips on how to communicate with a person with dementia and you can find it by clicking this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

You can also do a lot of reading that may help in the publications list that can be found by clicking this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

I hope those links help.

 

[nae sporran]

Hullo and welcome to Dementia Talking Point from me too, loveislove.
Sorry your friend is struggling to make sense of the world. My partner has vascular dementia too and she goes off on delusions or confabulations regularly too. Pete's compassionate communication link is a useful guide, but don't feel you have to stick to it every time. However distressing it is though, it is easier to just leave them to their own world, as trying to break her out of it can lead of more confusion and arguments.Usually with my OH the delusions and obsessions pass after a few days and she settles into a calmer period, so the only thing I can advise is patient reassurance until your friend settles again.

 

[Palerider]

I care for my mum. When she has phases like you have described I do as Nae Sporren has said and leave her in her bubble. It is heartbreaking to see someone this way, however I have learned through trial an error and after some aggressive responses from mum to leave her be, so long as she is safe doing what she is doing.

 

[canary]

The trouble with confabulations is that they really think its true. Their mind plays tricks on them and is trying to make sense of the fragments of memory that they have left and plugging the gaps left by memory loss. The mind stitches together the bits of memory left with other experiences, things seen of TV, something someone has said, bent, stretched, taken out of context and mixed in with a huge dollop of imagination. To them, though, it seems like a real memory, so if you try and correct them they get upset or angry because they know that it is real (however ludicrous it seems to others). It is not something that is done on purpose and they have no control over it, so you wont be able to convince them that what they are saying is wrong.

I remember an occasion when mum was convinced that she lived underneath a school and all the children used to come into her home and move everything around and made a terrible racket on the stairs. She actually lived in a bungalow!!! This was before I learned not to argue with her about things, so I tried explaining that it couldnt be true because she lived in a bungalow and I eventually said "OK, then, show me these stairs that the children make a racket going up and down on" She went all round her bungalow and eventually was distraught because "How could they have removed the staircase so quickly?"

I learned to say neutral things like "really?". "well well" "I would have like to see that". If the confabulation is upsetting her try entering her world and saying something that will ease her fears. If she is worried that the neighbours are stealing her things, say that you will have a word with them. I remember one member on here writing about how her husband was convinced that there were lots of people in the house who were doing bad things. She went through a pantomime of opening the front door and telling these people to clear off and not come back again. After this her husband was much calmer.

If none of this works and he is still upset and agitated then see if he could be seen by the doctor with a view to getting some medication to reduce his fear.

 

[manArgentina]

I think a good thing is make things simple for her.

Hard to say, but try to make her understand sketchdules. Talk about how is she sleeping, try to make her see that is good have a good sleeping schedule. But the problem is, theres a problem she sleeping the whole day ? Have a tight schedule would benit her for anything ? Or its just something we think is good.

But, one thing sometimes i think, its... if she lives in a fantasy... is that bad ? She enjoys the fantasy ? Why push her out of the fantasy. Of course, have to take this carefuly. Its not good she get lost forever in the fantasy, but its good if she can have momments to just fantasize. Wel all fantasize, the "problem" is that she express it in a "real way", she is doing something we all people do but she leave it out the skin.

The best thing is try she feels good, see what she needs.

Talk is very good to she accomodate her thoughts, taking fresh air, "how are you sleeping ?".

I could be wrong, just writing the thoughts come to me. Good luck.

 

[Witzend]

I agree 100% with canary. There's no point in arguing or trying to use logic - just go along with whatever it is as far as possible. Which can be difficult if it's something that's distressing them or making them angry.

Before I realised this, there was a very distressing episode where my mother was quite convinced that she and her cleaning lady had taken my father's dead body miles away in the cleaning lady's car, and just dumped it. This came from a dream, muddled up with something on TV the night before.

Nothing I or the cleaning lady said could convince her - she was distraught for over 48 hours.
Knowing what I learned later, I should have said that I knew, it was all right, not to worry, he'd been buried properly now. I just didn't think of that then. In fact he'd been cremated, long before she developed dementia, but of course she had no memory of that.

I did handle another obsession (that went off for months) rather better. She became convinced that her sister had 'stolen' their mother's house. It was of course nonsense but I did realise what had triggered this. I did try logic with her at first, but once it was clear that it was useless and only made her angry (I was 'in league with' my poor aunt) I just started saying (over and over, her short term memory was practically zero by then) something like, 'Dear me, that's terrible - I had no idea - I'll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.'
That always kept her reasonably happy for the moment.

Dementia can be such a learning curve, can't it?
All the best.

PS - I might add that although 'distraction' is often recommended, e.g. how about a nice cup of tea? - it never worked for more than about 20 seconds with my mother. She'd return to the same thing over and over, like a wasp to a jam jar. So saying whatever would pacify her, however fantastic, was the only way.