Care home refusing to take mum

[Lindie16]

sorry for what will be a long post.
I made the decision that after caring for mum in my home for 2 years - and previous in hers for 5 years that mum needs to be in a care home.
Since making the decision mum went into much needed respite for a week at a care home that we both liked. It’s the only one in our area that I would consider for mum.
After respite I made decision that mum needed full time care and we set about getting her into the care home where she had respite.
I have been through assessment with the council etc and they have agreed to pay her fees to £500 and that have said I will need to pay a top up.
They contacted where mum had had respite and they said we needed to pay £100 a week on top. After mush discussion with my OH we agreed that we could pay the top up and we thought we are all systems go. The care homes have now said - after 1 week - that they now want £300 per week! I am devastated as we can not afford this. Can they just change their minds!!
I asked for mum to have respite there for another week as I am literally on the floor due to the stress of working full time and caring for mum on evening and weekends. I am suffering with anxiety, depression and have often felt suicidal. I have no life - I am existing.
The care homes have now said that they won’t accept Mum for respite unless we pay full private fees! How can this be fair when we paid top up for respite 4 weeks ago!?!?
My question is can they go back on what was agreed - as in the £100 per week? I am at a loss. I’m desperate to get mum into full time care before she has an accident - I can’t watch her 24 hours but a day and when she is left by herself we have had some really bad incidents of her nearly flooding the house as well as harming herself by trying to use bleach as face wash. She needs care that I can not provide but the LA and care home seem to be happy for us both to continue to suffer.
Advise greatly needed!! Thanks in advance

 

[Bunpoots]

I think if you want your mum to stay in that carehome they can charge what they like. I've heard of top up fees being increased with, what seems to me, no justification.

The only way to avoid top ups is to find a home which will accept the council's rate. My only suggestion is to go back to the LA. They have to find at least one home which can meet your mum's needs without a top up.

I know you'd rather leave your mum where she is but my dad was in a very shabby looking home (my heart sank when I first saw it) but the care turned out to be excellent and dad was content there until the end.

I hope you can find a solution. The system seems to make everything so stressful for carers.

 

[Kevinl]

There's several issues here so I'll try and break them down a bit.
The home is a business and they can charge what they like and they may have verbally said a £100 top up but as the expression goes "a verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" you can't enforce a verbal contract. Her having been in there a week means the home had a chance to assess her needs and they may be over and above the normal they accept so they want more than the normal top up or it could be they just don't want her and are pricing you out, it depends on how the respite went from the home's perspective.
I was there when a man left after a week inn respite and the unit's nurse told the manager she didn't want him back in her unit again (in no uncertain terms).
When the home took your mum 4 weeks ago for a weeks respite presumably the LA funded the £500 and you paid the top up, you want more respite but if the LA won't fund it then you will have to pay the full cost, LA's aren't too generous about giving out respite care and if you had a weeks respite 4 weeks ago then asking them to pay for more after such a short space of time is a big ask, some people like me never got offered respite once in 5 years let alone twice in six weeks and if they won't pay then it's up to you.
Sadly the world we live in means the social services seem to do little more than crisis intervention these days, I had to wait until my wife became so violent she had to be sectioned before I got any help.
I'm sorry I can't say anything more positive but that's the way it is, if the LA fund £500 per week to everyone in your area then why should they pay more for you is the question?
If I assessed the local schools and then felt my children would be better off at Eton (other posh schools are available) then can I expect the LA to fund it when everyone else just gets offered the local comprehensive?
As Bunpoots says if the LA agree that a care home is the only option then they have to find one that meets her needs and does not require a top up, where it is and what it's like doesn't matter, they have fulfilled their obligation if you want something else then you have to be prepared to pay what ever the top up is.
If it's any consolation I wanted my wife in a home that's 10 minutes walk away from where I live and we've both lived for over 35 years but I couldn't afford the £1,500 per week (yes, that's right £1,500 per week) top up.
I totally appreciate your situation and do understand how you feel but the care home can charge what they like and the LA will pay what they'll pay and that's assuming the LA will agreed to paying to full time care home care.
Given how desperate your situation sounds and the way it's impacting on you they need to do something as they have to consider how it's damaging your health and the potential risk your mother is to herself, you really need to hammer it home to them because as I've said it's very much a crisis intervention situation these days.
K

 

[Lindie16]

Thank you for your replies.
I guess I will have to look again at the other homes in the area- but I really didn’t like them. I just want to do what is best for my mum and worried that putting her somewhere that was, in my option ghastly, was an option I was not willing to take. I have to weight up what is for the best.for both my mum and I.
I feel like I am setting myself on fire in order to keep my mum warm - but isn’t that what we do for our loved ones? So desperate that these are the choices we are left with ... put my mum somewhere that I know is not suitable or keep her with me where I fear we will both end up leaving in a box. Horrific

 

[canary]

I think you need to look for another care home. For this place to increase the fees so much and after such a short time says to me that they do not know how to care for her.

Not all care homes are equal and many care home (even, unfortunately, some that describe themselves as specialist in dementia care) only want residents in the early, easy stages of dementia and once they get to a certain level they will either give notice, or make life so difficult for the relatives that they are moved.

Go back to the SW for help and I agree with @Bunpoots - not all care homes that will accept the LA rate are bad. My mum was also in a care home that, had she outlived her funds, would have accepted the LA rate. It too was shabby, but had a homely atmosphere and the care mum received there was first class. Be very wary about paying top-ups as they will only increase as her needs increase and sometimes the rise in payment is staggering.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Lindie16 , what was it about the other care homes that seemed so bad to you? There is no need to answer but I'm just raising it with you to reflect on.

I looked at care homes that needed ridiculous top-up amounts and worked out that the money would go towards providing things that would be of absolutely no use to my wife. The home she is in now is quite modest but very good at providing personalised care. It also has the benefit of being on the Local Authority list which makes it likely that she can go on living there once her self-funding period comes to an end.

You are obviously very stressed but when you get a moment it may be worth looking at the Alzheimer's Society guide to choosing a care home:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/selecting-moving-care-home

and matching this up with what you think is best for your Mum. I and other members of this site will try to give you the support that you need.