Is it too soon?

PatAnn

Registered User
Mar 6, 2019
33
0
A good care home is definitely a safe loving environment for your mum to be in for her own protection and your peace of mind.But saying that being on the other side with my husband having alzihmers and vascular dem
 

PatAnn

Registered User
Mar 6, 2019
33
0
A good care home is definitely a safe loving environment for your mum to be in for her own protection and your peace of mind.But saying that being on the other side with my husband having alzihmers and vascular dem
I know that when the time comes I am going to go through the same process of guilt and anxiety and suffering as you are x
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
0
Newcastle
Not harsh at all @Wifenotcarer youre talking absolute sense and I know that I need to get on with things, just know that she will find it very difficult

To be fair, you fear that she will find it very difficult (it is natural to think this) but you don't know and never will unless you try. A safe and caring environment seems paramount given what you have described so I don't think that there is any real alternative. I worried about my wife going into her care home but she has adapted quickly, perhaps helped by her belief that her grandmother lives close by. Never underestimate the ability to accept change and adjust to make the best of a new situation. That goes for her companion too. Once he knows the new situation - and if suitable transport can be arranged (some kind of community transport perhaps) - he needs to be given the opportunity to visit, even if he then turns it down.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Good luck @Feistywoman. I learned the hard way not to tell mum anything before time. We had two or three attempts to get her to the memory clinic without luck. It was only when she had a melt down in the doctor's surgery and started throwing medication around that the GP organised the consultant to go and visit mum unannounced. He diagnosed 'probable vascular dementia', and we took things from there.
When they came to assess mum for the home I told her that a couple of friends from where I live had phoned me on the off-chance I was visiting mum as they were in the area. Mum was charming to them and she was accepted by the home with no bother. Of course when we turned up, with me having told mum she was coming to stay near me for a bit she really kicked off. I thought they were going to chuck her out, but they coped, and after three months, if not exactly settled she is better than she was. When we're in the downstairs 'coffee shop' or the garden mum is fine as she thinks it is a posh block of flats. It's when she is on her floor which is rather more obviously a care home she gets cross.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
Rather than trying to please your mother, think of how you can make it easier for her (and that will mean its also easier for you). Keep it low key, don't talk about it again, and focus on the fact you are doing the best thing for her.

I didn't discuss it with my mother at all. I asked the care agency manager to ensure my mother's carers didn't talk about it until the morning she was moving, because I knew she would get in a complete tizz about it, and in particular about what would happen to her cat (I rehomed him). On the day, the carer told her she was going on a mini break near me (I live by the sea). Moving to a care home is always going to be challenging, but there are ways of minimising the distress. I had two months of hell making the arrangements, I didn't want to have to spend half my days calming my mother down as well!
 

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
0
Thank you @Sarasa and @Sirena for both sharing your experiences. You’re right I do need to keep it low key and focus on the fact that it’s probably the right thing to do. Got a GP appointment tomorrow as my joints are so bad due to stress so I must be mindful of also looking after myself in this sorry debacle.
 

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
0
Just had a phone call from the care home to say that they now have a room. I’ve spoken with SW who will put wheels in motion to get my Mum in there initially as respite care. I feel utterly sick and I feel that I’m really failing my Mum (I know that’s not really true but it’s how I feel).
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I feel utterly sick and I feel that I’m really failing my Mum (I know that’s not really true but it’s how I feel).
Yes of course you do.
You know in your head that it is the right thing to do, but your heart hasnt yet caught up.


Get that Guilt Monster Stick at the ready for when the guilt monster starts whispering lies in your ear!
 

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
0
T
Yes of course you do.
You know in your head that it is the right thing to do, but your heart hasnt yet caught up.


Get that Guilt Monster Stick at the ready for when the guilt monster starts whispering lies in your ear!
You put the heart/head thing so well @canary. I do know it’s the right thing, her safety has to override every other emotion and want. Thank you!
 

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