This is so difficult!!

[fromnz123]

OH retired 7 years at 60 due to chronic health issues. I have made a lot of allowances over the years due to his health.
After retirement he has basically "opted" out of life, has not joined any clubs, or got involved in anything outside the home, and for some time has spent much of his day watching tv.
Looking back now I can see that there have been incidences over the past few years which may indicate that something else is going wrong.
He was always a mild mannered man, never any aggression towards me.
I think Ive been keeping a lid on things now for some years, as its been a gradual deterioration, and I couldn't even remember how life used to be
Its come to a head as one of his family members has been staying with us for a few months and he has noticed the change, and this has enable me to admit to myself that there maybe something seriously wrong.
Ive seen the gp, who suggested counselling for me, the Counsellor suggested going back to the GP to say that it sound as though my OH may be suffering from depression/dementia.
He has now seen the GP, has been prescribed Prozac, the problem is that his alcohol consumption has been increasing - he will drink a bottle of wine of an evening, although he will deny this. I have pointed out to him that its not a good idea to carry on drinking whilst he is taking Prozac. Needless to say its had no effect.
Infact consultant for his heart condition has told his previously not to drink but he carries on.
I am 8 years younger, I feel like I have a lot more life to live but my OH has given up on life.
I am in all intents and purposes his carer, I do everything, I arrange everything, I pay everything, I organise everything and he just "turn up"!!

The aggression I see in him is out of character, he can't cope with life. But he doesn't yet have all the other more classic symptoms of dementia.

His relationship with our children is Nil as he makes no contact with them, everything goes thru me.

He can't have a "normal conversation", he comes back with a barbed negative comment, which he then justifies as "its just a joke"!!, this has had the effect of isolating him even more, but he's not even aware of it.

If it doesn't concern him he shows no interest, or empathy.

I think that if I had a diagnoses I would be able to cope better, so that I know what I'm dealing with.

Ive already cared for my mother with vascular dementia until she passed away so I know what the future could possibly hold.

 

[Cat27]

That’s really difficult for you @fromnz123.
Personally I’d contact the GP & tell him everything you’ve told us & ask them to see your OH to review him.

 

[Peachez]

The glass recycling box must show how much wine he's drinking? Or line up the empties on the kitchen windowsill for a week? Take a photo and take it & a print out your post with you to your GP. Book a double appt if you can to give yourself time to talk it through with him/her. There could be things other than dementia going on here, and depression, anxiety & personality changes etc are common in some conditions and not stand alone things. Has he had any investigations at all ? Blood tests for vitamin levels?

So much of what you say resonates with me. I wanted to let you know you are not alone.
My OH retired early and sits at his pc all day doing family history. (I ask him what the hurry is, they're dead already...), is 8 years older, and I seem to do all the planning organising etc now, also the contact with our various children seems to go through me these days. Since 2015 we've been through the mill, round in circles with consultants, with MRI, CT, Dat scans and an EEG thrown in, and still no proper diagnosis. Best bet is Multiple System Atrophy with Mild Cognitive Impairment. It won't change his progression if we know what it is, but it seems easier if you have a name for it, reassurance that there is something wrong makes daily life easier to cope with for me.
Early-ish on, I got my OH to agree that the surgery & GP could talk to me about his meds etc on the phone as I went to his appts anyway. And they now have a box checked on their system to say I'm his 'carer'. (I do have to check he's taken his meds, he relies on me for memory of appts and so forth, and I do keep an eye out that he's not wearing stuff that really should be washed).
One of my first posts on here was about the lack of conversation - acid replies are still common, but he has such trouble with words now I'm lucky to get a reply at all.

 

[canary]

If the prozac hasnt made any difference then you need to go back to the GP.
I agree with Cat - tell the GP everything that has been going on - especially the drinking and the aggression.

When you say that he isnt showing all the classic signs of dementia I assume you mean short-term memory loss and all the things that go with it (forgetting things that have happened, repeating himself, going out and getting lost and not recognising people), so I would like to mention that not all forms of dementia have short-term memory loss as an early symptom

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @fromnz123

I experienced out of character behaviour in my husband and even though both of my parents had had dementia I didn't recognise it in him.

With hindsight I can't believe I didn't see what was coming but both my parents and my husband all showed such different symptoms there seemed no connection.

If you can keep a diary of your husbands behaviours and present this to your doctor it might help them see a fuller picture.

 

[fromnz123]

Just thought I would update on this thread, six months on and OH has recently received a diagnosis of severe sleep apnea which may explain many of his behaviours, Its linked to his heart condition, his brain is starved of oxygen , apparently he can have over 40 episodes an hour when asleep. Not that getting his diagnoses makes it any easier to live with.
I wonder if now the GP would give him a brain scan to see what damage has been done?

 

[Shedrech]

thanks for the update @fromnz123
so now you have an explanation, I hope there's also some help available ... definotely wprth asking the GP for a referral

 

[fromnz123]

THREE YEARS ON FROM MY FIRST POST -

its 3am and I’m wide awake , i am in Italy with my husband in a place that we have visited almost every year for 40 years, covid curtailed our trips , and this is our first trip back in 3 years.

This trip has highlighted how far my husband has deteriorated ?

August 2019 - my first post on TP , we had recently returned from a trip to Italy and I was confused and angry .
August 2020 - GP finally refers my husband to memory clinic
August 2021 - diagnosis , Behavioural Variant Frontal Lobe Dementia

August 2022 - i am back in Italy with my husband - how things have changed!,

1 I arranged special assistance at the airport, he could never have managed otherwise
2 Three years ago he was still driving, now all that is down to me , he did have a moment when we were picking up the hire car when he was arguing that there was no reason he shouldn’t be driving , apparently his uk driving ban doesn’t apply in Italy
3 He’s hardly left the property we are staying in, 2 trips out for a coffee/ quick beer and then straight back
4 3 years ago there was no sign of short term memory problems, now I’m answering the same questions over and over again
5 The aggression and anger towards me has gone , there is just a void there
6 This is ”no holiday” I’m having to spend more time with him than I do at home (we have a separate room I go to) it’s just a different type of torture!
7 There is no joy in anything, there is no fun , but I have to be greatfull that his all encompassing apathy means that I can leave him unattended for a short time as doesn’t venture further than the tv and laptop.
8 This is the last time we will do this trip together
?

 

[canary]

Oh @fromnz123 , I so recognise this and Im so sorry.
OHs anger has mostly gone too (it can still be triggered by suggestions that he is not doing things, but I dont make any reference to this any more) and I recognise that emptiness, that void, very well.

The last time we went on holiday was when our son got married in Birmingham. It was too far for travel on the day, so we made a holiday of it by booking a holiday cottage on the outskirts of the city. It was very small, but I still had to put post-it notes on all the room and cupboard doors so that he knew what was on the other side. Although the holiday was a success in that we managed to get to the wedding (the main objective), I would have liked to go out and explore the area, but OH didnt want to go out either and just spent the whole time watching TV and moaning that there was no wifi. So no, it was no holiday for me either. I remember sitting in the main room next to OH watching TV and thinking - we could be doing this at home, and much cheaper, with more support.