Telephoning my sister with Alzheimer’s

[Chrsyc]

Hi everyone. I’m new to this forum.
My sister has Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. She still lives in her own home. Her daughter lives nearby. I visit once a month & telephone regularly.
I have always greeted her over the phone with “Hi, how are you doing?” but recently have been aware that her response is sad and negative. Can anyone suggest a better way for me to start off - rather than with a reminder that things aren’t great?
My sister is deteriorating rapidly and it’s hard keeping up.
Thank you

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Maybe something like "Hi, so nice to hear your voice" or "Hi, how is your weather?" or something along those lines - neutral and not asking directly how she is.

I'm sorry your sister is deteriorating rapidly, it must be so hard for you.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Chrsyc
Could you try ‘ lovely to speak to you, have watched Corrie (or something suitable).

 

[Izzy]

Hi @Chrsyc and welcome from me too. It must be very hard to see your sister decline in this way.

I know this isn’t really totally relevant to your question but I thought it might be something that would be useful for your sister’s daughter or yourself as time goes on -

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[Chrsyc]

Thank you everyone. That’s all really useful help.

 

[Malalie]

How about something like 'Lovely to speak to you - can you help me with a problem "Name"?...and then something that she will have an opinion about, be it only "Do you think that you can use baking powder instead of bicarbonate of soda - I've been stupid and forgotten to buy any?" or something relevant to her past experience? She may not remember the conversation, but I'll bet she remembers that you phoned her to ask for her help.

I found that this sort of approach definitely raised my MILs spirits - I think it made her feel valuable and useful, rather than ill and dependent.

Hope this helps XX

 

[Chrsyc]

That’s a brilliant suggestion. Thank you

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I agree with @Malalie
I really struggle with things to say to my mum when I visit her CH. We've never had much to say to each other and obviously she never has any 'news'. I don't have much either as my life changes very little and she doesn't remember my job, relationships, children, etc.

But questions are good! Stuff relating to the past - ways of cooking things, places (did you ever go to Tatton park? Is it nice there? Did you hear about the floods in Stockport?), do you know how to get a stain out of x, etc.

Mum's answers are often bizarre, unrelated to what I asked or just nonsense, but she really appreciates being asked and it then often leads me into further conversation. Also, she likes me telling her (hopefully in an amusing way) about things that drive me mad, so I will 'moan' to her about having 3 things in the fridge that I don't want to eat that stare at me reproachfully when I open the door, or how men don't know how to use a dishcloth properly. Things like that make her laugh and she can usually offer a few return comments. She likes funny stories about my cats too. I make a lot of stuff up

But that's on a good day. Other times she is so obsessed by bizarre things that haven't happened that it's very hard to ground her at all.

 

[Donkeyshere]

What about trying to open with something that was familiar to both of you when you were younger, for an example about some place you used to go to and say "I went past such and such a place the other day where we used to......" We have several places we go past with the MIL and we wait for her to bring up "oh this is where we used to show all our dancing moves we learnt at class to the other children" even though we have heard it a thousand times it brings good memories for her.

 

[Chrsyc]

I can't thank you all enough. It is so good to have your support. My sister was diagnosed just after Christmas & her decline has been so rapid; it's been rather hard for us all. To know there are others, in similar situations, ready to share - is just wonderful. It's so difficult to lose a loved one like this. My sister is, already, no longer the person I knew. It's a new chapter for us & I need to find my way in this new relationship with her. Thank you again