Going on holiday but......

emmamac

Registered User
Sep 15, 2009
94
0
Hello everyone
It is a while since I’ve posted. This time last year I was struggling to cope with mum who had vascular dementia and was living alone with me visiting every day after work to prepare meals and fire fight the increasingly dangerous situations she was getting into.

In December she had a fall and then a further fall in hospital which resulted in a fractured pelvis and eventually admission to full time care. I can honestly say it was the best outcome all round. She settled well and put weight on. I finally slept at night without worrying constantly what would happen next. There have been issues but on the whole the home is wonderful and she is settled and content.

We saved up and booked a week long cruise with our 12 year old son as we hadn’t been away properly for 3 years. We are due to go next Thursday. Yesterday the home called to say mum was not swallowing food but storing it in her mouth. They called the GP who suggested soft food and to encourage fluids. I’ve visited today and she’s quiet and tired but seemed reasonably OK. However, they are struggling to get her to eat and drink. She drank a cup of tea while I was there with encouragement and some juice. They said that if she gets dehydrated she will have to go in to hospital. I know its all speculative but I can’t help but feel that - knowing how fate loves to deal me a **** hand at times - something will happen while I’m away.

So here’s the selfish bit.....what the hell do I do? I can’t cancel the holiday - it took forever to afford this one and we certainly can’t afford another one if we don’t go on this. I’m feeling really stressed that something will happen while I’m away....my father had dementia and died while i was on holiday 9 years ago. My adult daughter will be here and will visit mum as she always does along with my cousin who visits her. I just feel that if I go it makes me a **** daughter and if I don’t we’ve just lost a fortune and any chance of holiday for a very long time.

Any advice would be welcome.,
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
enjoy your holiday @emmamac and make sure your son enjoys his, you both deserve it ... time to focus on him and being his mum
one much needed holiday set beside all the care and energy and love you have given to your mum over the years ... how on earth does that make you a bad daughter
timing is what it is ... there's no fault on your part ... what would you want your son to do should similar circumstances ever occur (gods forbid)
other family will watch over your mum
make precious memories with your son
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
I agree with the above posters @emmamac. Take your holiday, you have family members who will visit as they normally do and staff on hand to watch and care for your Mother. You will only be away a week, enjoy your family time.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,001
0
72
Dundee
I’m with the others. Please go on your holiday. You’ve done everything you can for your mum and your family (and you) deserve this break. It’s only a week. Do go and try to enjoy it. What will be will be and you have nothing at all to feel guilty about.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,085
0
Chester
Please go on holiday, my kids were 8 and 12 when my mum had her crisis and I moved her into sheltered extra care.

I've always put my kids before my mum if there's had to be a choice, I haven't always had a choice, and my then 9 year old was left at home on his own for the first time ever when I had to sort things out (kids are now 14 and 18 and childhood is nearly over and doesn't happen again - feeling rather sad with 18 year old going to uni)

You and your son deserve this holiday. It's only a week and your daughter is to hand to and she will have visitors.
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,694
0
Auckland...... New Zealand
I’m another one for going, otherwise you might find, you cancel, lose money in the process, be upset, only to find your Mums eating and swallowing is a temporary blip, and you could have gone on holiday after all.
My advice would be, so that you could enjoy your holiday, dont be tempted to phone or text every day worrying.
Tell family no news is good news unless absolutely necessary.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
11,754
0
Essex
Hello everyone
It is a while since I’ve posted. This time last year I was struggling to cope with mum who had vascular dementia and was living alone with me visiting every day after work to prepare meals and fire fight the increasingly dangerous situations she was getting into.

In December she had a fall and then a further fall in hospital which resulted in a fractured pelvis and eventually admission to full time care. I can honestly say it was the best outcome all round. She settled well and put weight on. I finally slept at night without worrying constantly what would happen next. There have been issues but on the whole the home is wonderful and she is settled and content.

We saved up and booked a week long cruise with our 12 year old son as we hadn’t been away properly for 3 years. We are due to go next Thursday. Yesterday the home called to say mum was not swallowing food but storing it in her mouth. They called the GP who suggested soft food and to encourage fluids. I’ve visited today and she’s quiet and tired but seemed reasonably OK. However, they are struggling to get her to eat and drink. She drank a cup of tea while I was there with encouragement and some juice. They said that if she gets dehydrated she will have to go in to hospital. I know its all speculative but I can’t help but feel that - knowing how fate loves to deal me a **** hand at times - something will happen while I’m away.

So here’s the selfish bit.....what the hell do I do? I can’t cancel the holiday - it took forever to afford this one and we certainly can’t afford another one if we don’t go on this. I’m feeling really stressed that something will happen while I’m away....my father had dementia and died while i was on holiday 9 years ago. My adult daughter will be here and will visit mum as she always does along with my cousin who visits her. I just feel that if I go it makes me a **** daughter and if I don’t we’ve just lost a fortune and any chance of holiday for a very long time.

Any advice would be welcome.,
Dear Emma

You must go on that holiday and let your daughter see your mum. I was in this situation and you have to learn to relax and go on the holiday that you deserve.

MaNaAk
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
I have learnt the hard way - everyone says you must take care of yourself go on holiday - I know its hard and its taken me 7 months to build up the courage, dispel the guilt to just do it - go go go thats all I can say X
 

emmamac

Registered User
Sep 15, 2009
94
0
Thank you lovely people - I know that’s the advice I’d be giving others, but you second guess yourself when the boot is on the other foot. What a wonderful group this is.....bless you all xxx
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
I'm glad you have decided to go. As others have said it may be a blip and she may bounce back but either way you know she is being well cared for. Enjoy your holiday, you deserve it.
x
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
0
Hello everyone
It is a while since I’ve posted. This time last year I was struggling to cope with mum who had vascular dementia and was living alone with me visiting every day after work to prepare meals and fire fight the increasingly dangerous situations she was getting into.

In December she had a fall and then a further fall in hospital which resulted in a fractured pelvis and eventually admission to full time care. I can honestly say it was the best outcome all round. She settled well and put weight on. I finally slept at night without worrying constantly what would happen next. There have been issues but on the whole the home is wonderful and she is settled and content.

We saved up and booked a week long cruise with our 12 year old son as we hadn’t been away properly for 3 years. We are due to go next Thursday. Yesterday the home called to say mum was not swallowing food but storing it in her mouth. They called the GP who suggested soft food and to encourage fluids. I’ve visited today and she’s quiet and tired but seemed reasonably OK. However, they are struggling to get her to eat and drink. She drank a cup of tea while I was there with encouragement and some juice. They said that if she gets dehydrated she will have to go in to hospital. I know its all speculative but I can’t help but feel that - knowing how fate loves to deal me a **** hand at times - something will happen while I’m away.

So here’s the selfish bit.....what the hell do I do? I can’t cancel the holiday - it took forever to afford this one and we certainly can’t afford another one if we don’t go on this. I’m feeling really stressed that something will happen while I’m away....my father had dementia and died while i was on holiday 9 years ago. My adult daughter will be here and will visit mum as she always does along with my cousin who visits her. I just feel that if I go it makes me a **** daughter and if I don’t we’ve just lost a fortune and any chance of holiday for a very long time.

Any advice would be welcome.,
No question in my mind. Just go on holiday. My husband and I left my mother-in-law in her own home with carers and her niece as a contact, for 3 weeks whilst we were in the USA.
The care agency did everything.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
@emmamac I am on holiday, I went last Thursday after a lot of should I, shouldn't I, Well I went and I have left dad well cared for and that is the best I can do.

I am so glad that I did, like you I needed to get away and I can promise you that I am a very good daughter just like you are.

You go and enjoy your family time, you have earned it and what will be will be.