My Mother-in-Law has Alzheimer's, and I am finding it really difficult to deal with her accusations. It appears they are always aimed towards me. It appears to happen after I have been to see her by myself. It is very upsetting, and in fact makes me really angry and upset when I know that I haven't done anything wrong. I do, and have done so much for her, and it really breaks my heart. My emotions are all over the place in dealing with this problem.
Feeling a little bitter
- Thread starter RL3
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hello @RL3
a warm welcome to DTP
sadly, what you describe is not uncommon ... dementia reduces so many faculties, one being empathy and another being reasoning
it's often the case that a person is most awkward, indeed nasty, to the person closest, providing regular care, and for your MIL that's you it would seem ... I think, the person 'feels' that something is not right with them but isn't able to grasp what it is, so projects the discomfort on, 'blaming' someone else for doing something that has made them feel bad ... and if there's actually really nothing wrong, the person will confabulate something to fill the gap, accusations which upset the innocent party
your MIL isn't directly meaning to be nasty to you, she's trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense to her
unfortunately, caring for someone often means growing a thick skin, even apologising for things just to keep the peace (and not reinforce negative feelings) ... hopefully others grasp that you are doing a great deal for your MIL and that what she says isn't actually how it is
a warm welcome to DTP
sadly, what you describe is not uncommon ... dementia reduces so many faculties, one being empathy and another being reasoning
it's often the case that a person is most awkward, indeed nasty, to the person closest, providing regular care, and for your MIL that's you it would seem ... I think, the person 'feels' that something is not right with them but isn't able to grasp what it is, so projects the discomfort on, 'blaming' someone else for doing something that has made them feel bad ... and if there's actually really nothing wrong, the person will confabulate something to fill the gap, accusations which upset the innocent party
your MIL isn't directly meaning to be nasty to you, she's trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense to her
unfortunately, caring for someone often means growing a thick skin, even apologising for things just to keep the peace (and not reinforce negative feelings) ... hopefully others grasp that you are doing a great deal for your MIL and that what she says isn't actually how it is
It may not be much comfort, but this is quite common. People with dementia will blame whoever is nearby, whether that is a loved-one or a neighbour. They may accuse people of stealing, because they themselves move things and have no memory of doing it, so the only 'answer' is that they have been stolen by whoever they saw last.
It's very hurtful when the accusations come from someone you are helping and supporting. I am sure other members will be along to suggest how to best handle it.
It's very hurtful when the accusations come from someone you are helping and supporting. I am sure other members will be along to suggest how to best handle it.
Hello @RL3
Reading between the lines - is your MIL accusing you to other people?
My daughter used to go and clean for her grandad in the early stages of his dementia and he started to get really nasty with her and also told other family members she was stealing all his money. She wasn’t - didn’t even have access to any of his money. But he was convinced she was waiting for him to die so she could have everything he owned. Looking back it was probably triggered by him giving her his car so she could run errands for him and take him to appointments...who knows how the dementia mind works.
But the worst thing for her was that her aunt and uncle then both phoned her and accused her of stealing from her grandad. She quit looking after him and I took over and employed carers.
I know my solution sounds drastic but the carer’s mental heath is important too. Have a serious think about how much (if anything) you are prepared to do. You won’t be able to convince your MIL she wrong.
If I was in your shoes I would not visit alone. You need to look after yourself and make sure that the rest of the family understands that the accusations that your MIL is making against you are false.
I know it’s really difficult but try not to take it personally - it’s the dementia making her behave this way.
I hate dementia!
Reading between the lines - is your MIL accusing you to other people?
My daughter used to go and clean for her grandad in the early stages of his dementia and he started to get really nasty with her and also told other family members she was stealing all his money. She wasn’t - didn’t even have access to any of his money. But he was convinced she was waiting for him to die so she could have everything he owned. Looking back it was probably triggered by him giving her his car so she could run errands for him and take him to appointments...who knows how the dementia mind works.
But the worst thing for her was that her aunt and uncle then both phoned her and accused her of stealing from her grandad. She quit looking after him and I took over and employed carers.
I know my solution sounds drastic but the carer’s mental heath is important too. Have a serious think about how much (if anything) you are prepared to do. You won’t be able to convince your MIL she wrong.
If I was in your shoes I would not visit alone. You need to look after yourself and make sure that the rest of the family understands that the accusations that your MIL is making against you are false.
I know it’s really difficult but try not to take it personally - it’s the dementia making her behave this way.
I hate dementia!
My mother-in-law was like this. She had a personality disorder most of her adult life and these accusations were part and parcel of her personality . With the dementia diagnosis, things got worse. Family members were routinely on the end of various accusations so my husband and I had strategies to deal with it . Visits were kept short and any accusations or verbal abuse we simply left or withdrew to another room.
She often made allegations to professionals about us,when I was present. If possible I would contact the professionals in advance and warn them of this, in case they were taken aback by this behaviour. Whenever the home visiting podiatrist came round and I was present, in order to pay her,she often criticised me in front of her. Fortunately the podiatrist just ignored her, so did I.
It's not easy, but I thought of her thoughts on us as just a product of a sick mind. Perhaps as we were caring for her out of a sense of duty and didn't have a positive relationship with her, it was easier to be detached about it all.
Johns carers come three times a week and for the last six weeks the regular carer has been off sick. We have had many different carers instead and all dread going to the next client who is a woman in her seventies. She writes wicked comments in the log book, phones the managers to complain about everything and when one carer went ahead with breakfast rather than listen to a tirade she took the coffee toast and porridge and threw it out. I am amazed that one frail old woman can be such an intractable bully. Her own daughters stay away from her.
How awful to hate everyone and in turn be hated.
How awful to hate everyone and in turn be hated.
