Should I move my mother with dementia now my dad has died?

[Goodfriend5108]

My dad has died recently leaving my mother who has dementia alone in their home, I live about two and half hours away so its difficult to come up all the time, I would love my mum to move down and live closer to me.
She has lived in their home for over 50 years and with grieving for my dad is it asking too much to expect her to move to a house and area she does not know?

 

[Sirena]

Do you mean you are thinking she should sell her house, and buy a new property near you? It isn't just the impact of the move you need to think about, but also what will happen further down the line, when she needs supervision 24/7.

I lived 2.5 hours from my mother so as an initial measure I organised daily carers for her which she self-funded. They did her laundry and housework, took her shopping, made her meals and ensured she ate them, and took her to appointments (hospital, optician, hairdressers - whatever she needed). I don't know if that would be an option for your mum. It worked well for 18 months, but she then needed constant supervision so I moved her to a care home near me so I can visit regularly.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My dad has died recently leaving my mother who has dementia alone in their home, I live about two and half hours away so its difficult to come up all the time, I would love my mum to move down and live closer to me.
She has lived in their home for over 50 years and with grieving for my dad is it asking too much to expect her to move to a house and area she does not know?

If your mum moved near you, would she expect you to be with her all the time? As the illness progresses, she may become more demanding, clingy and expect you to provide her with everything, from companionship, meals ,personal care? You may be fine with that, of course, but whether she lives close or not, you have to decide what you're prepared to deal with. The house move is a lot to ask, perhaps thinking about carers to help out ? Do you have power of attorney?

 

[Goodfriend5108]

If your mum moved near you, would she expect you to be with her all the time? As the illness progresses, she may become more demanding, clingy and expect you to provide her with everything, from companionship, meals ,personal care? You may be fine with that, of course, but whether she lives close or not, you have to decide what you're prepared to deal with. The house move is a lot to ask, perhaps thinking about carers to help out ? Do you have power of attorney?

Yes I do have power of attorney with a friend of my parents as well, I just want whats best for her.

 

[Woo2]

hi @Goodfriend5108 , I’m sorry to hear about your dad . My dad too recently died and I moved mum in with us, their home was only 5 minutes away but she couldn’t be left overnight or for any length of time really . She has settled really well, she would rather be here than alone so I guess that helps . It was and is a massive adjustment for all of us, have not regretted it at all. You will undoubtedly be on call 24/7 and give a lot of your time to mum but ultimately you have to do what’s right for you . Lots of help and advice here. Best wishes .

 

[jugglingmum]

This is what I did, it may help.

I had a crisis with my mum and it was clear she could no longer live fully independently, and due to many years of neglect her house was uninhabitable, needing months of work to make it so.

I considered both sheltered and sheltered extra care housing and started looking in the area mum lived. I worked out that this would need myself or my brother to visit her at least once a month, and to go down for every medical etc appointment. The once a month bit I thought we could manage but the medical appts would have been too much for me. I wasn't sure how reliable my brother would be (he did do a vanishing act on other stuff) and it is a 7hour round trip for me and a 4 hour one for my brother. I realised that with a part time job and kids aged 8 and 12 and brothers then aged 6 and 4 it would be nigh on impossible, childcare constraints would leave a 6 week hole in the summer as well.

So I looked at accomodation for my mum near me. I started with sheltered, thinking I could set her up with local carers through friends and care agencies but realised that she wouldn't 'fit' in the 2 sheltered ones I looked at with dementia.

So I looked at the available sheltered extra care available in my area, a choice of 2 and one was a good fit and had available flats (shared ownership or outright sale as she didn't qualify financially for the rented in the same block). She started with carers twice a day to supervise her meds, and 5 and a half years later it has been the best choice although she has a lot more care visits now. Once she'd settled, she really liked it, thanked me for choosing it, said she did miss her friends but realised being near me was best.

I only knew at that stage what I had read on this forum about dementia, and it was made clear to me that if mum wandered or was aggressive or other difficult dementia behaviours I would have to move her (to a care home).

I couldn't have coped with supporting her in her own property locally to me, and small bungalows and flats are in high demand here, with the kids and job I didn't have the time to fully run 2 households (I do do her finances and shopping).

The 'best' decision needs to take into account both what you can do and what your mum needs. Her needs are only going to get more, and if it is a 5 hour round trip can you do that easily. It depends on if you have a job and dependent children.

If her house is suitable for now and she is self funded see how it goes for a bit - with whatever level of care you think she needs put in place.

You don't say how she is managing on her own without your dad, or what she can do on her own.

And don't forget you are grieving for your father as well.

 

[Lindy Lu]

Hi Goodfriend5108, I was in your position 3 years ago (apart from my Mum was already in a care home). I agonised over it but in the end did move her closer to me. My Mum had lost mental capacity by this point so had no concept really of where she was. I still feel guilty sometimes and wonder if she would have had more visitors if she had stayed where she was. Although, to be honest only a couple of her friends did go to see her and the length of time between visits was getting longer, they'd just say how they didn't like to see her like that..

I visit her most days and am really close to her care. I am able to take her to her appointments and be there within 15 minutes if she has any falls etc. She seems as well and settled as she can be with this awful disease.. I hope you're ok and have support. I think back to that time and I was in a complete whirlwind of grief and stress. Best wishes x