Dementia & Tantrums

[Jackie31]

Good Evening,

I am so pleased to find a support group for people who are dealing with dementia. My mum has dementia but won’t admit she has any problems, more recently we have started to get nasty outbursts in shops, shouting at me, being argumentative at the slightest thing and saying hurtful things.

Is anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with it? I’m taking it to heart and finding that I don’t even want to spend time with her

 

[Batsue]

Hi @Jackie31

Welcome to Talking Point, your mum sound very similar to mine, I find that I am in the middle of an argument with her and wondering how an ordinary conversation got to that point.

Try not to take her comments to heart, it is dementia talking not your mum. I am now able to let the things that my mum says go over my head although like you it does make me avoid spending too much time with her.

Keep posting, you will get lots of help and support from people here.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Jackie31 Welcome to Talking Point.

It`s really embarrassing and upsetting if your mum has public outbursts particularly as there is no way you can walk away until she calms down. It is what I did at home when my husband had outbursts. I went into another room and left him for a while. When I returned he had often calmed down.

Your mum is unlikely to admit there is anything wrong. She probably knows there is something wrong but is either in denial or too frightened or unable to face it.

There is some well used guidance which might help you . They are not rules as such just suggestions which so many of us have found helpful.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[Jackie31]

Thank you for your reply, it’s nice to know I’m not on my own with these feelings. My mum will only shout and scream at me and not my daughter or husband, does anyone else find this?

 

[jaymor]

It was the same for me, I think my husband chose me because I was the safest one to shout at, I wasn’t going to walk away @nd not come back. I did as Grannie G did, walked out of the room and closed the door. I’d mutter rude words under my breath just to get it out then return with a smile and the offer of tea and cake.

If I felt he need a reply I would just say “ I’m sorry you feel that way” and just leave it. I had acknowledged his outburst and upset but could offer no solution.

 

[Palerider]

Good Evening,

I am so pleased to find a support group for people who are dealing with dementia. My mum has dementia but won’t admit she has any problems, more recently we have started to get nasty outbursts in shops, shouting at me, being argumentative at the slightest thing and saying hurtful things.

Is anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with it? I’m taking it to heart and finding that I don’t even want to spend time with her

This happens to me sometimes. Yesterday I had to go to Sainsbury's our local (and nearest) and mum came along. As soon as we walked in she became quite agitated and started to shout at me. I carried on, got a basket and then asked her what she would like for tea and slowly walked round as she followed me and calmed down. I purposely looked at the cake section, which helped to distract her. In all of that I didn't respond to her shouting or agitation which just makes it worse. Luckily the guys who work there know us, so they understand whats happening.

At home I do as others have said, its pointless trying to reason when a person with dementia is in this kind of mood, their cognition has changed and so their reasoning as well as memory. At home I walk away and leave her to calm down which takes between 10 and 20 mins. Yesterday mum was just angry with everything and everyone, and I couldn't fathom why. By the evening she had calmed down, I still don't know if there was a trigger or if it was her general mood for the day.

 

[RosettaT]

I have an older brother, younger sister but whenever things didn't suit my mum it was me who took the flack. This went on for years, as far back as I can remember really. I have no idea why. I remember once she came into my house and started on me over something quite trivial. I had had enough and told her to leave, it was my house and I wouldn't be spkoen to by her or anyone else in that way. Things were a little better for a while but as time went on and she developed demintia once again I was the brunt of her out bursts. By then I let it wash over me, still to this day I have no why she treated me differently even as a child.

 

[marionq]

They abuse the person closest to them because they can get away with it. You wouldnt challenge someone who would punch you on the nose or walk away never to return and neither do they. This is why you have to take a firm stance, refuse to be bullied either by ignoring, walking away or telling them straight that you will leave if they don’t speak to you properly - and do it! I know this is harder to do if you are out in public but set the pattern indoors first.

 

[Jackie31]

Thank you to everyone for the support and advice at least I now know I’m not alone with my feelings it is a horrible disease and hope they will soon find a cure no doubt I will be a regular user on this group

 

[Rach1985]

My Father seems to take it out on me the most, but recently he has become quite mean about my niece. He called her rat faced, thankfully it was out of her ear shot
He hasn’t been aggressive but it’s really hard when he is so cruel. He has only recently been diagnosed, which in a lot of ways has felt like a relief. Then I feel guilty for being glad that he has Alzheimer’s and that he hasn’t just become a grumpy old man. That there is an explanation. Then I feel rubbish because the reason is so rubbish and you know it is only going to get worse not better. So many mixed emotions
He threw his tablets at me 2 days ago, saying no I’m not taking them. Then took it anyway, then ate 4 twirl bars saying fine I’ll eat myself to death then.
That’s when the worst thoughts pop into my head, of i would rather he do that, have a massive heart attack. Than go through this
I feel so selfish at times

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Rach1985
a warm welcome to DTP
you're not selfish, just human, like the rest of us

I found 'compassionate communication' helpful in getting an idea how things were for my dad and how I might respond to him ... the suggestions are worth trying, though no-one is likely to be able to act on them in every situation as we're not saints
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Good Evening,

I am so pleased to find a support group for people who are dealing with dementia. My mum has dementia but won’t admit she has any problems, more recently we have started to get nasty outbursts in shops, shouting at me, being argumentative at the slightest thing and saying hurtful things.

Is anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with it? I’m taking it to heart and finding that I don’t even want to spend time with her

I totally understand, have a difficult relationship with Aged mother; infact as her dementia & cognitive issues have progressed over the past years the most positive thing to happen is sometimes the ludicrousness of the situation gives me the giggles - Mum will laugh to .

This has now turned into a coping mechanism, with both of us feeling better after a good giggle or laugh.

It’s taken me years to be able to find the dark humour in the situation, & is better than being angry, bitter & crying about the frustrations I feel at this situation & disease.

I find getting a Mum a snack ( my handbag is full of bits & bobs) helps. If that doesn’t work I just stay silent for a bit as sometimes it’s just Mum not being able to process all that’s going on around her & the outburst might be her coping mechanism.

The saying hurtful things cuts to the core, but it’s not you. Just her being distressed & not understanding why & lashing out - it’s a vicious circle at times. Especially when my mum seems to derive satisfaction from my distress!!!

Not reacting is hard. As you are still a child wanting approval/ love from your parent. It’s just like being in a snow globe & life’s being shaken up repeatedly & you don’t k ow what to expect or dread happening next.
Keep posting
Your doing amazingly though it might not feel it at that moment in time!
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