On edge waiting for the next verbal attack! This

[Rosserk]

My mother has just been diagnosed with dementia after 18 months of extremely difficult behaviour, she lives with me.

She is constantly aggressive and combative. She is always accusing me of going into her room and taking her things. I’ve taken her TV, Jewellery, clothes, pillows, glasses, the list goes on! She also accuses me of putting things in her room which don’t belong to her.

Every morning I wake up and I’m afraid to leave my bedroom because I know it’s going to start. I have this sick sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I’m constantly fighting back the tears. I haven’t eaten anything other than breakfast for the last week because I feel physically sick, I only eat breakfast because I have medication to take that can only be taken with food.

She has been prescribed lorazepam twice a day which seems to keep her a little bit calmer but the aggression is always just under the surface. I have two autoimmune diseases which are exasperated by stress and make it extremely difficult for me to be constantly up and down because one of my symptoms is extreme fatigue. She literally doesn’t give me a moments peace and I feel so ill all the time.

This morning when I went into her room to give her a tablet as soon as I opened the door I knew I was going to get it! She gets this twisted look on her face that tells you straight away she’s about to explode. It’s like something out of a Hitchcock movie! She said I’d taken her hairdryer and left a s***** one on her bed. (Yes her language can be disgusting) She said I came in during the night and took hers, she was absolutely raging, I thought she was going to hit me with the hairdryer. When I gave her the tablet she hid it in her hand and pretended to take it. How can someone with advanced dementia be capable of deception? I could understand if she refused to take the tablet but I’m astounded she has the cognitive ability to pretend to take a tablet!

Half hour after this episode she came into my room and apologised for shouting. I know she’s only doing that because she’s terrified I will call a Doctor and she will get sectioned. Again these are the actions of someone who is calculating and deceptive and I really don’t understand it. It also doesn’t stop it from happening over and over again throughout the day and night.

I literally can’t take much more of this the only thing that prevents me from having her sectioned are these moments of clarity and awareness.

Please don’t judge me I’ve spent the last 20 years helping to care for my father who also has dementia and is now in a nursing home. He was extremely violent and was eventually sectioned.

I really don’t feel like I’ve had any quality of life and it’s been hard on my hubby who is a saint! I am also so sick now that I feel the best years are behind me, I really just want this to end!

Any advice would be appreciated I’m at breaking point I feel so sick

 

[Sirena]

This is an awful situation for you, and I am sure no one will judge you, you have been through a lot with your dad and now your mum. You need some help to deal with this, I think you said SS are becoming involved?

I think you are right - she is frightened. She is constantly frightened. I don't know if she is frightened of being sectioned, but that is not her only fear. She doesn't understand what is going on and the only explanation is that you (the only person in the house) is stealing. It may not be much comfort, but it is very common for people with dementia to make these accusations.

I don't know if anyone has given you this link, but until you get more concrete help you might find it helpful when dealing with your mum.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[RosettaT]

On my gosh, I really feel you. The only thing I can suggest is to look to what help is available and make the most of it. You can not carry on this way.
My OH nearly drove me to despair last August - Sept where I would dread getting up in the morning but fortunately medication sorted that out.
I know you said she has been prescribed lorazepam how long has she been on it? Have you had any assessments either for yourself or your mum?

 

[Rosserk]

This is an awful situation for you, and I am sure no one will judge you, you have been through a lot with your dad and now your mum. You need some help to deal with this, I think you said SS are becoming involved?

I think you are right - she is frightened. She is constantly frightened. I don't know if she is frightened of being sectioned, but that is not her only fear. She doesn't understand what is going on and the only explanation is that you (the only person in the house) is stealing. It may not be much comfort, but it is very common for people with dementia to make these accusations.

I don't know if anyone has given you this link, but until you get more concrete help you might find it helpful when dealing with your mum.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Dear Sirena

Thank you for taking the time to respond and provide a link. The link provides some excellent advice for people who want to continue looking after their relatives at home. The problem I have is ‘I don’t’ I physically and mentally can’t do it and my own health is declining rapidly. I know that sounds really harsh and selfish but I don’t think there’s any help SS can offer me that will help. She can still dress herself and she can eat and drink and has no countenance issues. The problem I have is her constant verbal confrontations and her angry outbursts, I can’t carry on living with such anger and aggression.

Whenever I reach out for help the only advice I get is how I can make her life easier. How I can mitigate her distress, keep her calm limit her anxiety. I can’t believe I’m saying this but if she was taken to a care home today I would be extremely relieved. I really can’t go on much longer!

My father threw a spade through a police station window attacked my 10 year old son was locked up in prison for 2 weeks before they realised he had mental health problems and released him. I’ve spent 20 years living with aggressive behaviour and I was relieved when he was finally sectioned now it’s happening all over again.

 

[Rosserk]

On my gosh, I really feel you. The only thing I can suggest is to look to what help is available and make the most of it. You can not carry on this way.
My OH nearly drove me to despair last August - Sept where I would dread getting up in the morning but fortunately medication sorted that out.
I know you said she has been prescribed lorazepam how long has she been on it? Have you had any assessments either for yourself or your mum?

Hi she’s been taking it for a week. SS are coming Friday the 19th I really don’t want to look after her anymore I simply can’t do it. Everyone expects me to just carry on regardless. I am confident SS won’t offer any practical advice.

 

[marionq]

Tell SS you won’t do it. No arguments. You won’t do it and will call police next time to take her away. Only hard hearted ness on your part will get action.

 

[Sirena]

I completely understand that, as I said it was a suggestion for while you wait for concrete help. I think you said your GP has given an urgent referral to SS, you must keep pressing both of them to get the help and of course call the police or an ambulance if that is necessary.

 

[canary]

If you feel you have contact someone to get your mum sectioned, then do it. It may end up being the only way to get help.

 

[Woo2]

Hi @Rosserk , I’m so sorry to hear what you have and are going through . I can’t offer much advice but hope you can get to a calmer place soon. Always someone here to listen and advise . Take care of you. Best wishes

 

[Rosserk]

Hi @Rosserk , I’m so sorry to hear what you have and are going through . I can’t offer much advice but hope you can get to a calmer place soon. Always someone here to listen and advise . Take care of you. Best wishes

Thank you I’m sat in the living room with mum now while she vents her anger I feel like I’m going to start screaming and never stop! Giving me a response to read has encouraged me to leave the room!!

Kindest regards

 

[Rosserk]

If you feel you have contact someone to get your mum sectioned, then do it. It may end up being the only way to get help.

Thank you it’s getting very close to me doing just that. It amazes me that she doesn’t get tired.

 

[Rosserk]

Hi @Rosserk , I’m so sorry to hear what you have and are going through . I can’t offer much advice but hope you can get to a calmer place soon. Always someone here to listen and advise . Take care of you. Best wishes

Thank you kindest regards

 

[Woo2]

Thank you I’m sat in the living room with mum now while she vents her anger I feel like I’m going to start screaming and never stop! Giving me a response to read has encouraged me to leave the room!!

Kindest regards

I do get that completely , think a lot of us do sadly . Have been there lots of times , doesn’t help that you have your own health issues, I really feel for you . It’s incredibly hard but I have tried the compassionate communication , I have learnt that when I am angry, uptight etc Mum feels it and we end up in a vicious cycle. I’m still relatively new on this journey so I don’t want to presume I know much at all , just wonder if you could step back a little and try to stay calm for YOU and your health that it may have a positive effect on Mum. Ultimately you are important and have a life to lead and need strength so you must do what is best for you too . Warm wishes, sending support and strength to you. Take care .

 

[Canadian Joanne]

@Rosserk I'm afraid if your health is being so badly affected that you may have no choice but to have her sectioned. Unfortunately, moments of clarity do not begin to make up for hours upon hours of abuse.

Make it clear to SS that you will not be taking care of her anymore as it is affecting your own health.

We ended up bringing my mother to hospital on the pretense of getting her meds. My sister gave them a letter stating we felt my mother had undiagnosed AD. She was sectioned after the doctor in emergency saw her. Her belligerence with him certainly didn't help her.

It was undoubtedly one of the worst days of my life.

 

[Rosserk]

@Rosserk I'm afraid if your health is being so badly affected that you may have no choice but to have her sectioned. Unfortunately, moments of clarity do not begin to make up for hours upon hours of abuse.

Make it clear to SS that you will not be taking care of her anymore as it is affecting your own health.

We ended up bringing my mother to hospital on the pretense of getting her meds. My sister gave them a letter stating we felt my mother had undiagnosed AD. She was sectioned after the doctor in emergency saw her. Her belligerence with him certainly didn't help her.

It was undoubtedly one of the worst days of my life.

Thank you for taking time to respond. I think that is ultimately what will happen. I do feel incredibly guilty but this person sitting in my living room is unrecognisable.