NO!

[Manchesterford]

My Mum (69, diagnosed with mixed dementia) was always a feisty, independent woman and very much the leading light of our family. It is clear that she has always used control as a way to stay in her comfort zone and manage any anxiety.

She has struggled with the deterioration of physical health and the dementia. With many things she is very happy to relinquish control and have people doing things for her. In some ways she is happy to let people get on with it as she isn't very motivated.

We do our best to give her a great sense of independence and autonomy, we ask her preference and include her in conversations. However on occasion she gets very low and says that she has no control. This is always when we insist / encourage around the basics. Showering, eating, cleaning teeth and using the toilet or clearing incontinence pads.

Now on occasion when we propose a shower, or try to get her upstairs to a toilet or to finish a meal she simply refuses. Nothing we can say changes this.

How do we find a way around this? How can we give her a sense of independence whilst ensuring she is clean, fed etc?

Any advice appreciated. We have tried distraction, breaking tasks down, encouragement etc but when she says NO there is no way around it.

 

[TNJJ]

Hi.I care for my dad in his own home with the help of carers.He is the same.But he is fine with carers coming in the morning to wash and dress him and in the reverse at night .He cannot walk .I insist he goes for daycare and a bath once a month.He is better with someone in official capacity than me.Maybe that will help..The uniform seems to work wonders.

 

[Sirena]

She may have reached a stage when she can no longer do these things without assistance (rather than just being stubborn or refusing) so that even when you break the task down she can't follow instructions. Have you tried 'miming' what she needs to do e.g. to brush her teeth/wash her face? That's what my mother's carers did and it worked for a while. My mother is also happier to eat if someone is eating alongside her, but she doesn't have a great appetite any more. To a certain extent you have to go with the flow even with the basics.

 

[nitram]

You could also try oblique approaches

'Wow been a hot day - I need a shower' and just wander off.

You are leaving her in control, not even suggesting she has a shower, may not work, worth a try.

Similar approach to other circumstances.

Have a read through
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

 

[LynneMcV]

This may or may not be relevant in this case but I learnt something recently from chatting to a lady with dementia who attends a weekly lunch group that I go to.

She has a very supportive family, with a daughter regularly visiting to make sure her house is neat, cupboards well -stocked and that mum is clean, fed and comfortable.

The lady, who has a strong personality and clearly led the family in the past, said to me that her daughter was lovely but it was embarrassing and annoying to have her visit and almost immediately be cajoled into having a shower, changing her clothes or have her start to tidy up.

She said: "There's never a 'hello, lovely to see you' anymore - just 'Have you had a shower?', 'When did you last change your clothes?' or 'This place needs a good clean'."

She said it would be much nicer to sit and chat and catch up for a bit, but instead she was automatically made to feel that she was dirty and that her house was not up to standard - and that caused conflict between them.

Of course, the daughter may well be on a tight schedule when visiting and might feel she doesn't have time for general chat first - but I got the feeling that things might play out a bit easier if the main emphasis of the visit was to have a chat and a cuppa first - and then the offer of help.

Of course, this might not have any bearing on how things are in your particular situation but thought I would mention it just in case it strikes a chord with anyone reading this who is facing a similar problem.

 

[Bunpoots]

As @LynneMcV has said I used to use stealth to get my dad to do what needed doing. It took time and patience. I would make him breakfast then switch the shower on and pretend that dad had intended to have a shower and had got distracted -. One morning it took 1.5hrs...but it got done in the end.

I took the same approach with everything else and just pretended that dad had decided (and then forgotten) what was going to happen. Dad knew he had a bad memory so mostly I used to get away with it.