dreaming again

[PalSal]

Last night I had a terrible nightmare, it was so vivid and real, and in my dream, my Nick was his healthy and wonderful self, from long ago. He was leaving and going to divorce me. I was trying to convince him to stay and he was just telling me it was all over. I woke up and realized it was a dream, but while I was dreaming it was so real and I really was devastated that he wanted to leave me. I was glad he was here with me when I awoke today, and I am going to make sure we have a good day today and he has some joy....which means a long walk at some point.

I think this all came up because I went to a party Thursday night alone, I got lots of compliments and attention. And I was thinking, I have been alone but not alone for 17 years...I want to change this picture.

This morning I am very emotional and have actually been crying, something I rarely do.I know that crying is a good thing and it is OK, but I only cry about once a year. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed by sadness. It is the having to accept over and over in this slow process of his illness and that he has left me in so many ways. Most of the time I am just pragmatic, tough and carrying on through thick and thin. This dream exposes the depth of my love, which I find difficult to acknowledge. It is easier for me to forget about the wonderful man he was. I must try and honor what is left of him here and now, his innate gentlemanly-ness and kindness. I can not wish for things to be different, this is it and there is no hope for him only acceptance and making today as good as it can be.

 

[Grahamstown]

How sad, how beautiful, how true, so much in this that reflects much of my experience but over a much shorter timescale. Strength and weakness alternately is very much my world. I sometimes think people expect me to break down all the time when I am being practical and realistic. Yesterday I realised that one of the reasons most of our friends and acquaintances are so shocked by what has befallen my husband is that they are thinking, if it can happen to him then it could happen to me, and they are right but it makes them frightened. I hope you have a wonderful day together.

 

[marionq]

Yes, lots of people as well as ourselves are afraid of this illness. The loss of who we are is a scary prospect. The memory of who we were can be a comfort or a reminder of the scale of the loss. Best wishes @PalSal and enjoy your walk.

 

[Izzy]

Such a poignant post @PalSal. I hope you both have a good day today.

 

[maryjoan]

Last night I had a terrible nightmare, it was so vivid and real, and in my dream, my Nick was his healthy and wonderful self, from long ago. He was leaving and going to divorce me. I was trying to convince him to stay and he was just telling me it was all over. I woke up and realized it was a dream, but while I was dreaming it was so real and I really was devastated that he wanted to leave me. I was glad he was here with me when I awoke today, and I am going to make sure we have a good day today and he has some joy....which means a long walk at some point.

I think this all came up because I went to a party Thursday night alone, I got lots of compliments and attention. And I was thinking, I have been alone but not alone for 17 years...I want to change this picture.

This morning I am very emotional and have actually been crying, something I rarely do.I know that crying is a good thing and it is OK, but I only cry about once a year. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed by sadness. It is the having to accept over and over in this slow process of his illness and that he has left me in so many ways. Most of the time I am just pragmatic, tough and carrying on through thick and thin. This dream exposes the depth of my love, which I find difficult to acknowledge. It is easier for me to forget about the wonderful man he was. I must try and honor what is left of him here and now, his innate gentlemanly-ness and kindness. I can not wish for things to be different, this is it and there is no hope for him only acceptance and making today as good as it can be.

I can truly understand how upsetting this dream was - to have the man he was back with you - only for him to be rejecting you and wanting a divorce. I am no expert in these things, but I do see a similarity to your real life as in the divorce being the dementia that now separates you.

What I can say to you, is that your dream is a sort of grief. When my son died ( he had cerebral palsy) I used to dream of him a lot - and I would dream that he was not disabled, and able to do all the things other children do. It is now almost 24 years since I lost him - I still dream of him, not as often, but I now look on these dreams as a kind memory of our time together - perhaps if you dream again of your husband, it might be like that.......

 

[jaymor]

What a wonderful post @PalSal, hope your day is the very best it can be and enjoy your walk.

 

[PalSal]

Well, we went for a lovely walk into the forests just here around our house for about 1.45 minutes.. Sat up top and watched while a trainer worker with two magnificent horses getting them jumping and a good workout. Nick enjoyed it and talked about riding as a boy and young man on the South Downs. They kept a couple of horses and a couple of ponies as he grew up, so he always rode. He loves animals.Then we headed down and got caught in a downpour. Sat out most of it, but Nick was very worried and anxious about the storm. Walked the rest the way home all well.
Fixed a beautiful chicken Caesar salad (homemade bread croutons and the dressing my self with anchovies) for lunch, Served it on the shady northside balcony....looking out over the river and the distance views.
Then I finished all the laundry and ironing.
The gardener came and did a lovely job. I did all the watering of the balcony plants and potted plants at various levels of around the garden. At the end of the gardeners visit, the sky darkened again and the wind kicked up and hail came down. But the gardener was finished ...so all was well. We were safe indoors.
It is now two hours later and the sun is out in full. Uts 6 pm and the Saturday evening bells are ringing out.
Nick is restless and wanting another walk. I feel a bit guilty but one walk a day is all he is going to get from me. As I have said here many times nothing interests him but walking.
He will get a very simple dinner of bread and cheese ...
I will bathe him early and prep him for bed....maybe he will be so bored he will just go on to bed which would be great for me.
Another day done and dusted.


4th of July with my friend Susan.

 

[PalSal]

More photos will come as I am taking OH to the Schwarzwald hiking and swimming today. We will spend the night at a hotel and just enjoy a little mini break. Heading to a place called Schluchsee. And the Wutach gorge. I am looking forward to this. My girlfriend is going with us. She is totally hip to the needs of my hubby and can handle all that comes up with him. So, it will be fun.

 

[PalSal]

Dear TP friends,
Yes, we are still at it. We did 12 K on Saturday from Langnaw E to Eggwil- in the Emmentaler on Saturday from about 650 m up to 1200 meters. Once up we walked along up and down 150 meters for some time.

The path up on the first part was a bit beyond our present scope with Nick. He no longer likes a ridge and narrow root filled path. But we went slowly. And he made it AGAIN-
Once up top we had fabulous views of the Eiger and the Jungfraujoch, and there were nice wide paths went in and out of beautiful forests, into lovely Alpine meadows, thru private picturesque farms with glorious gardens and flowers.

I cannot believe the great blessing that we are still hiking after all these years post diagnosis.
He is just a happy follower, no longer my fearless leader, but that does not matter. We carried small backpacks and had a lovely picnic up top. (When we were in the Schwarzwald a couple of weeks ago I carried the pack and all the supplies and then had a back ache from carrying for both of us. This time we shared the load)

He no longer really knows anyone but he is his lovely cordial self...always the English gentleman. He footing and visual perception is starting to go and even in the forests and on long hikes there is anxiety now. This is sad as it is the last retreat and the last link with the life we once had.

At home he is in a chair, great if there is some David Attenborough to watch. But really nothing else ....and even that he does not watch for long.

I have now contract 3 new carers as flexible hourly employees. I call them if they are needed and if they cannot come I call the next one. I now have 5 carers to manage. Two come in twice each week so I can go out. And these new people are flexible. And two full 8 hour days at the daycare. I am restored to sanity. It is good. Having a life while living with Alzheimer's, one day at a time, doing all I can to do joy my life and give Nick some moments of joy in the midst of this.

For the moment we are holding our own. Not looking to far ahead but looking forward to our next adventure. I have rented an apartment in Northern Italy on Lago Maggiore and I will take one of the carers with me to help me to care for Nick. Holidays alone with him are not relaxing it is more work to be away from home alone with him. So I am looking forward to this new experience. And she is a beautiful 37 year old English woman from Windsor. We both like her very much and she is good with Nick. And I will have someone to talk to and maybe play some games and share the load of care.

PS. the suggestion a few weeks back here regarding bathing....ie the net like ball and soft soap has been a miracle. Why it it I need to be told solutions. That is why I keep coming back to this site. I find answers to my day to day living problems and we just keep trudging along. So grateful thanks to all my TP friends for your support.