Social services assessment

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
Quick recap: Mum is 90 & has mildish dementia ( good sometimes worse others) & heart failure. She has lived with me for the last 15 years. She is currently in week 2 of hospital admission. Medically the doctors have done all they can. The NHS physio/ OT assessment is that Mum is too weak to manage without 24 hour supervision & that as she is only going to get frailer residential care is the best option. Both Mum & I agree.
Just had a phone conversation with social services who will carry out an assessment tomorrow. They are talking about putting a care package in place so mum can come home. I pointed out that the recommendation was for residential care. The response was let’s discuss this tomorrow.
I can no longer provide the level of care Mum needs & deserves. Mum has always accepted that when the time came a care home would be the best option.
Mum is over the savings limit but she could only self finance for a few months.
I realise it’s extreme but can I refuse to continue caring for her? A package of 4 visits would be totally inadequate. She is at high risk of falls especially at night & falls monitoring has never worked for us.
Secondly, I assume we need to find a home that the council would agree to fund once mum reaches the lower limit of savings as I wouldn’t want to move Mum more than once.
Does anyone have any thoughts that might help me ahead of tomorrow’s meeting?
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @Reluctantcarer
you have summed up your situation well in your post, maybe use it as a basis for what you want to put across to the SW
definitely make it clear that you are unable to provide the level of care your mum now needs and you will not continue with hands on care should she return home ... no adult can be made to look after another, you have a right to stand your ground ... your understanding of your mum's needs is backed up by what the hospital professionals are saying

the LA, when they agree that residential care is now in your mum's best interests, have to offer at least one placement that fulfils her care needs, though that may not be your ideal choice ... you certainly can look around and ask the manager of any home you find suitable whether they would accept your mum at LA funding rates

I hope you are not in for a battle
 

chippiebites

Registered User
Jun 27, 2018
89
0
Hi, One thing is to make LA aware that your mother needs care at night, as in repositioning in bed or helping to the bathroom, that was the deciding point when my mum needed residential care. Good luck
 

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
hi @Reluctantcarer
you have summed up your situation well in your post, maybe use it as a basis for what you want to put across to the SW
definitely make it clear that you are unable to provide the level of care your mum now needs and you will not continue with hands on care should she return home ... no adult can be made to look after another, you have a right to stand your ground ... your understanding of your mum's needs is backed up by what the hospital professionals are saying

the LA, when they agree that residential care is now in your mum's best interests, have to offer at least one placement that fulfils her care needs, though that may not be your ideal choice ... you certainly can look around and ask the manager of any home you find suitable whether they would accept your mum at LA funding rates

I hope you are not in for a battle
Thank you. I feel guilty enough about ending this stage of my care but reading posts from others who’ve been through this makes me suspect that the SW will try emotional blackmail to get me to soldier on past my level of endurance and capabilities.
I am not good with conflict but am telling myself this is not personal for the SW so I need to adopt a similar objective approach & keep repeating what is no longer possible.
 

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
Hi, One thing is to make LA aware that your mother needs care at night, as in repositioning in bed or helping to the bathroom, that was the deciding point when my mum needed residential care. Good luck
Both are extremely valid points & very helpful reminder for tomorrow’s discussion. Prior to mum’s hospital admission I had lost count of the times I would go down first thing & find mum in the loo or on the commode unable to get back to bed. In a few horrible cases she was on the floor having fallen & slept in her mess. She would forget to use her bell or take off the falls alarm. The bed repositioning is also very relevant. Mum had fluid on her chest & her legs are still very swollen so it’s important she sleeps with both head & foot of bed raised. Left to her own devices her default is to curl up across the middle of the bed.
Thank you for your very helpful response
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
Good fortune in this. I am almost in the same position, I will be routing for you. Keep calm and sound like a broken record. Keep repeating your key facts.
 

Champers

Registered User
Jan 3, 2019
239
0
ReluctantCarer, your post and your dilemma is an exact mirror image of ours - even the ages and situation of our relatives. If you read my thread about Mental Capacity and Choices - Battles with social worker, you’ll see our experience is along the same lines. The only difference is my MIL wants to go back to her house, but domiciliary care has been a disaster and totally inappropriate for her needs so we are working hard to get her into residential care.

What I’ve learnt, very quickly, is not to be cowed by SWs. They seem to be following a text book manual of how to deal with issues, but whoever wrote that manual is completely unaware that everyone is an individual with so many differing needs and personalities. They also appear to be under the impression that they can just waltz in to a situation without understanding existing family dynamics and make sweeping judgements after talking to an individual for 1/2 hour.

Stand your ground. It’s a pain, but I’ve logged EVERYTHING. Every comment made, every phone call, every visit - especially when it’s fresh in your mind. It’s surprising how quickly you forget details, particularly when your brain is already in overload trying to be a carer. Because of this, I’ve already even been able to quote back and produce evidence that the SW had clearly forgotten about or hoped that I would forget. You have to show them, and to keep them on their toes, that you are not a pushover and you clearly know your mother and what is best for her far better than a stranger.

This kind of thing has gone completely against the grain for me. I’m usually very flexible, tolerant and easy going but I’ve had to put my assertive, stubborn, do not mess with me, totally uncooperative hat on. But it’s starting to work. The SW has stopped hiding behind the politically correct party line to me and my husband, and it’s slowly dawning on him that unless he agrees to see things from our point of view, the whole situation will remain completely at deadlock, meanwhile MIL unnecessarily occupies a hospital bed that would be better used for someone else.

Maybe I’m a cynic, but if there wasn’t as many self funders as our elderly parents are, and the government was paying for long term care, they would be looking long and hard at the extortionate fees charged by these agencies too.
 
Last edited:

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
853
0
Kent
Hi @Reluctantcarer

Some very good advice from others with experience themselves.

I am not yet in this position, but as my wife continues to decline (especially concerning her mobility), I am trying to prepare for the possible next stages. So over the last few months, I have visited a few care/nursing homes and have found that in our area, many have stopped taking LA funded clients. Like your situation, my wife is above the upper savings limit but at the rates being charged for self funding clients, it wouldn't be long before she needed funding for care?

This then raises the issue of third party top-ups, which reading previous posts suggests that the LA will try their damnedest to get you to agree to?

Sorry I can't be of more help but I wish you good luck today.
 

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
ReluctantCarer, your post and your dilemma is an exact mirror image of ours - even the ages and situation of our relatives. If you read my thread about Mental Capacity and Choices - Battles with social worker, you’ll see our experience is along the same lines. The only difference is my MIL wants to go back to her house, but domiciliary care has been a disaster and totally inappropriate for her needs so we are working hard to get her into residential care.

What I’ve learnt, very quickly, is not to be cowed by SWs. They seem to be following a text book manual of how to deal with issues, but whoever wrote that manual is completely unaware that everyone is an individual with so many differing needs and personalities. They also appear to be under the impression that they can just waltz in to a situation without understanding existing family dynamics and make sweeping judgements after talking to an individual for 1/2 hour.

Stand your ground. It’s a pain, but I’ve logged EVERYTHING. Every comment made, every phone call, every visit - especially when it’s fresh in your mind. It’s surprising how quickly you forget details, particularly when your brain is already in overload trying to be a carer. Because of this, I’ve already even been able to quote back and produce evidence that the SW had clearly forgotten about or hoped that I would forget. You have to show them, and to keep them on their toes, that you are not a pushover and you clearly know your mother and what is best for her far better than a stranger.

This kind of thing has gone completely against the grain for me. I’m usually very flexible, tolerant and easy going but I’ve had to put my assertive, stubborn, do not mess with me, totally uncooperative hat on. But it’s starting to work. The SW has stopped hiding behind the politically correct party line to me and my husband, and it’s slowly dawning on him that unless he agrees to see things from our point of view, the whole situation will remain completely at deadlock, meanwhile MIL unnecessarily occupies a hospital bed that would be better used for someone else.

Maybe I’m a cynic, but if there wasn’t as many self funders as our elderly parents are, and the government was paying for long term care, they would be looking long and hard at the extortionate fees charged by these agencies too.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have been following your thread with admiration & despair. I know social services budgets are stretched beyond capacity but how can professionals forget their prime duty of care to the pwd?
I will try to follow your example. Like you it goes against my nature to be ‘awkward ‘ but your thread gave me an insight into what to watch out for. The fact that the SW’s opening gambit was to talk about a package of care rather than residential care has put me on my guard.
I have a record of mum’s falls etc prior to admission which will help evidence the need for constant care not just random visits as & when the over worked & under paid ‘carers’ can get here.
Girding my loins in preparation & about to take the dog out for his morning constitutional which gives me an hour by the brook to meditate & find calm.

ReluctantCarer, your post and your dilemma is an exact mirror image of ours - even the ages and situation of our relatives. If you read my thread about Mental Capacity and Choices - Battles with social worker, you’ll see our experience is along the same lines. The only difference is my MIL wants to go back to her house, but domiciliary care has been a disaster and totally inappropriate for her needs so we are working hard to get her into residential care.

What I’ve learnt, very quickly, is not to be cowed by SWs. They seem to be following a text book manual of how to deal with issues, but whoever wrote that manual is completely unaware that everyone is an individual with so many differing needs and personalities. They also appear to be under the impression that they can just waltz in to a situation without understanding existing family dynamics and make sweeping judgements after talking to an individual for 1/2 hour.

Stand your ground. It’s a pain, but I’ve logged EVERYTHING. Every comment made, every phone call, every visit - especially when it’s fresh in your mind. It’s surprising how quickly you forget details, particularly when your brain is already in overload trying to be a carer. Because of this, I’ve already even been able to quote back and produce evidence that the SW had clearly forgotten about or hoped that I would forget. You have to show them, and to keep them on their toes, that you are not a pushover and you clearly know your mother and what is best for her far better than a stranger.

This kind of thing has gone completely against the grain for me. I’m usually very flexible, tolerant and easy going but I’ve had to put my assertive, stubborn, do not mess with me, totally uncooperative hat on. But it’s starting to work. The SW has stopped hiding behind the politically correct party line to me and my husband, and it’s slowly dawning on him that unless he agrees to see things from our point of view, the whole situation will remain completely at deadlock, meanwhile MIL unnecessarily occupies a hospital bed that would be better used for someone else.

Maybe I’m a cynic, but if there wasn’t as many self funders as our elderly parents are, and the government was paying for long term care, they would be looking long and hard at the extortionate fees charged by these agencies too.
ReluctantCarer, your post and your dilemma is an exact mirror image of ours - even the ages and situation of our relatives. If you read my thread about Mental Capacity and Choices - Battles with social worker, you’ll see our experience is along the same lines. The only difference is my MIL wants to go back to her house, but domiciliary care has been a disaster and totally inappropriate for her needs so we are working hard to get her into residential care.

What I’ve learnt, very quickly, is not to be cowed by SWs. They seem to be following a text book manual of how to deal with issues, but whoever wrote that manual is completely unaware that everyone is an individual with so many differing needs and personalities. They also appear to be under the impression that they can just waltz in to a situation without understanding existing family dynamics and make sweeping judgements after talking to an individual for 1/2 hour.

Stand your ground. It’s a pain, but I’ve logged EVERYTHING. Every comment made, every phone call, every visit - especially when it’s fresh in your mind. It’s surprising how quickly you forget details, particularly when your brain is already in overload trying to be a carer. Because of this, I’ve already even been able to quote back and produce evidence that the SW had clearly forgotten about or hoped that I would forget. You have to show them, and to keep them on their toes, that you are not a pushover and you clearly know your mother and what is best for her far better than a stranger.

This kind of thing has gone completely against the grain for me. I’m usually very flexible, tolerant and easy going but I’ve had to put my assertive, stubborn, do not mess with me, totally uncooperative hat on. But it’s starting to work. The SW has stopped hiding behind the politically correct party line to me and my husband, and it’s slowly dawning on him that unless he agrees to see things from our point of view, the whole situation will remain completely at deadlock, meanwhile MIL unnecessarily occupies a hospital bed that would be better used for someone else.

Maybe I’m a cynic, but if there wasn’t as many self funders as our elderly parents are, and the government was paying for long term care, they would be looking long and hard at the extortionate fees charged by these agencies too.
 

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
Hi @Reluctantcarer

Some very good advice from others with experience themselves.

I am not yet in this position, but as my wife continues to decline (especially concerning her mobility), I am trying to prepare for the possible next stages. So over the last few months, I have visited a few care/nursing homes and have found that in our area, many have stopped taking LA funded clients. Like your situation, my wife is above the upper savings limit but at the rates being charged for self funding clients, it wouldn't be long before she needed funding for care?

This then raises the issue of third party top-ups, which reading previous posts suggests that the LA will try their damnedest to get you to agree to?

Sorry I can't be of more help but I wish you good luck today.
Thank you. I’d forgotten about the top up ruse & will be on my guard
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
I was just thinking of @Champers who has just been through this and is hopefully successfully moving their PWD into residential care now. SW will always try, even against all common sense, to keep a PWD at home. Let us know how you get on.
 

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
Blow me down with a feather. SW opening words were ‘ Here’s a list of homes in the area & I’ll send over those that currently have vacancies. Check they’ll accept our rates & visit to see if you’re happy. ‘
I had been prepared for a battle & thanks to your posts felt ready but SW was happy it was best decision for Mum & more importantly that mum understands & is happy with it with the situation
I’ll let you know how I get on
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
Great result! Good luck with finding the right care home, let us know if you need any help deciding.
 

Champers

Registered User
Jan 3, 2019
239
0
Blow me down with a feather. SW opening words were ‘ Here’s a list of homes in the area & I’ll send over those that currently have vacancies. Check they’ll accept our rates & visit to see if you’re happy. ‘
I had been prepared for a battle & thanks to your posts felt ready but SW was happy it was best decision for Mum & more importantly that mum understands & is happy with it with the situation
I’ll let you know how I get on


Fantastic news! I’m SO happy for you and your mum. The best outcome for you both. X
 

Reluctantcarer

Registered User
Apr 14, 2019
34
0
Thank you all so much for your support especially as so many of you are fighting real battles. I am trying to be realistic and take things one step at a time. From seeing the SW this morning I have visited 4 homes today one of which is a real possibility. I will try & see some more tomorrow but am amazed at how quickly this is progressing.
It has been disconcerting not to have mum at home & while my priority is to find her the best possible care home I know that I will also have to deal with deciding what she takes with her. We have discussed this - Mum is a hoarder by nature- but I am trying to take this as an opportunity to choose the nicest things to take with her & leave what I consider rubbish here.
 

TheHoff

New member
Feb 15, 2018
7
0
Madeley
Social Workers bear the brunt of an overstretched and under resourced system. They also have huge caseloads that are almost impossible to manage and spend the majority of their time firefighting problems.Theyhave family and loved ones that are affected too and the vast majority want to make a positive difference.
Listen to what they have to say and them make your mind up. Work together and the outcome for your mums care will be much better.
Your journey wont be easy. Local Authorities have no money. You will more than likely be guided towards the cheapest option. You need to do some unannounced visits to local care homes to best judge yourself. Be wary of those that don't allow you entry and those that ask you to make an appointment.
Good luck for the future. It won't be easy as my past experience has witnessed the whole spectrum of Adult Social Care.
Sending love and best wishes to you and your mum.
 

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