Hi TNJJ I hope you’re doing ok. I wonder if our experience with carers might be of any reassurance. It’s not the same of course, but I think I might have felt some similar feelings to you.
We too found it so hard to have strange carer people come in and care for the person we know and love the most in the world. I’m a terrible control freak (and a blimmin perfectionist know all, so I am THE WORST kind of relative to deal with) and to hear the carers say or do things that we didn’t agree with galled us... but we really tried for decencies sake to hold our nerves and tongues. I did a LOT of smiling through gritted teeth. When there were things we weren’t happy with, I would send a cheery toned but, I’m embarrassed to admit, quite passive aggressive email to the care manager. Most days. Often I would back up with scientific facts I’d googled, as proof why they should or shouldn’t do something. I’d spend ages doing this, obsessing over the words till 2am. Waste of time really, made me tired and cranky.
It must be a really strange situation for the carers too balancing everyone’s happiness. I felt terribly guilty for not being able to do it all myself, care for him, give up my life to do it, I think that was at the heart of it. And also imagining what they must have thought of us, unable or unwilling to do it all we had to pay people to do it, we must be a terrible family.
Then one day something just clicked. It was over them doing colouring in with him. I really thought he would have hated it because I thought it was patronising, I thought that’s what he’d think. But they would sit for ages and chat and colour in colouring books it was actually lovely to watch when I caught sight of it, I had to sneak in the garden for a cry. I’d been wrong. They’d put him right at the centre of their time with him. We’d been often unable to do that. They were really there to enhance our time with him, sharing tasks with us. All to benefit him. I began slowly to let stuff go and where they did a lot of the practical stuff and companionship when we couldn’t, we were free to chill out with him, have a cup of tea, sing a song, reminisce, laugh and colour in those books with him and look adoringly at the pictures he’d completed. I’d missed out on quality time writing all those stupid emails like an idiot. He has to go in a home now and if I had the money I would pay those carers we have to move in and care for him 24 hours a day. I regret how I behaved at first but I try not to beat myself up because I’ve got the stick of having to put him in a home to whack myself with now instead. That guilt of relinquishing his care to other people. Cor it’s very powerful.... and painful.
Take care and I hope things work out ok xxx
