Mum has been in hospital for 2 weeks now with broken arm and unidentified infection which has made her very ill and at times we weren't sure if she would pull through. However the infection is now responding to treatment and she is improving so talk is now turning to discharge plans. As mum , who is 92, has been having lots of falls my sister and I have made the difficult decision that mum will not be safe at home any longer so needs residential care. This is mums greatest fear though and has always said she would rather be dead than go into home, how on earth do we tell her that this is now the only option. The guilt is crippling me , I keep trying to think of ways we could manage if she went home but know realistically that's not possible as she lives alone but dread having to break the news to her. As she is now feeling better she keeps asking when she can go home, not even realising her arm is broken and in a sling, she thinks it is just tied up. Any advice from members on how to cope ?
how to tell mum she wont be going home from hospital
- Thread starter Jennywren72
- Start date
hi @Jennywren72
might you tell your mum that her consultant wants her to have some time in a convalescence home/hospital or cottage hospital so she can be pampered and get her strength back and they'll want to know that she's been well fed and fit before deciding she can be discharged home ... hopefully she may not be so against the idea of convalescing and if you're lucky want to co-operate with the staff who are helping get her well enough .... of coursd each time she mentions 'going home' (if she does) the doctor says 'just a few more days'
you are doing what is best for her, keep that in mind ...
might you tell your mum that her consultant wants her to have some time in a convalescence home/hospital or cottage hospital so she can be pampered and get her strength back and they'll want to know that she's been well fed and fit before deciding she can be discharged home ... hopefully she may not be so against the idea of convalescing and if you're lucky want to co-operate with the staff who are helping get her well enough .... of coursd each time she mentions 'going home' (if she does) the doctor says 'just a few more days'
you are doing what is best for her, keep that in mind ...
Do you have to tell her? If she cant understand why she cannot go home then all you will be doing it upsetting her. You have to meet her at her point of need and tell her something that she will be able to understand. This is known as love lies, also known as therapeutic untruths, if this concept is easier for you.
My mum went into a care home from hospital after a TIA and I told her that she was convalescing in a much nicer place than the hospital. Most older people understand the concept of convalescing and mum was happy with this. She did ask about going home for the first few weeks, but accepted it when I said that it would be soon..... when the doctor said she could. After about 6 weeks she had settled and although she had begged me to never "put her in a home" she thrived there and was happy. You may find that your mum is the same
My mum went into a care home from hospital after a TIA and I told her that she was convalescing in a much nicer place than the hospital. Most older people understand the concept of convalescing and mum was happy with this. She did ask about going home for the first few weeks, but accepted it when I said that it would be soon..... when the doctor said she could. After about 6 weeks she had settled and although she had begged me to never "put her in a home" she thrived there and was happy. You may find that your mum is the same
I did as Canary did- Mum had been in various hospitals, and I said they were moving her to somewhere much nicer, until the Dr said she was fully fit to go home.
She was never going to get better, so even as they weeks went on, I could say ''when the dr says....'
She was never going to get better, so even as they weeks went on, I could say ''when the dr says....'
hello @Jennywren72
I was in your situation recently - Mum went into a nursing home in March this year after a 2.5-month hospital stay for assessment. The advice I had from @canary and others was really helpful and Mums CPN also agreed with this approach. A therapeutic lie so as not to make any distress worse. I just tell Mum she is convalescing and isn't it great that she is in such a nice place (thankfully her nursing home is lovely) and when she asks to go home I say that that's fine when the doctor says she is well enough then we can do that - that she won't be there forever (she of course sadly won't be).
I too felt guilty (and still do) but I keep telling myself that is is the only and best option - which is the truth. I can't change the fact that we are where we are at with it all.
I find I get the strength I need to cope even though it's hard. I'm sure you will too.
I was in your situation recently - Mum went into a nursing home in March this year after a 2.5-month hospital stay for assessment. The advice I had from @canary and others was really helpful and Mums CPN also agreed with this approach. A therapeutic lie so as not to make any distress worse. I just tell Mum she is convalescing and isn't it great that she is in such a nice place (thankfully her nursing home is lovely) and when she asks to go home I say that that's fine when the doctor says she is well enough then we can do that - that she won't be there forever (she of course sadly won't be).
I too felt guilty (and still do) but I keep telling myself that is is the only and best option - which is the truth. I can't change the fact that we are where we are at with it all.
I find I get the strength I need to cope even though it's hard. I'm sure you will too.
Hi Shedrech
thanks for your advice, a few other members have also suggested the same thing, to approach it as going to convalescence which just keeps getting extended when mum is there is a great approach and doesn't feel as much of a lie, the nursing home mum is going to hopefully next week seems lovely and has glowing reviews so fingers crossed , my head tells me it is the right thing to do but the heart still feels as though I am letting mum down
glad you are finding suggestions helpful @Jennywren72
in no way are you letting your mum down ... you are thoughtfully and carefully arranging for the support she now needs, and you will always be looking out for her
in no way are you letting your mum down ... you are thoughtfully and carefully arranging for the support she now needs, and you will always be looking out for her
Hi jinty,
thanks for your advice, I'm glad that it seems to be a common theme that if you tell a fib to your loved one to avoid causing them more distress you can still hold your head up, I'm glad that your mum seems to be settled and hope the same for mine.
Hi Canary
So glad to hear that your mum settled, my mum is the same and always begged never to go into a home , your comments give me hope that after time she will settle and be happy,
Hi Jessbow
thanks for your post, mum is really unhappy in hospital, doesn't like all the people around so saying she will be moving to somewhere better with her own room when she wants to be alone will help I think, its just nice to know that other members skirt the truth to protect their loved ones
My mum begged me not to as well. She was very unsettled to start with, constantly up pacing and "packing" all night, but after about 6 weeks she had settled and I was amazed at how content she became. She made friends and joined in with the activities. After a couple of months I was able to take her out for trips to the garden centre or along the sea front and have an ice-cream. Others n here can tell the same story,
I hope its the same with your mum too
