Feeling abandoned after hospital stay

[Alibunchy]

I hope it's ok to post this as I feel it's bit self pitying and I'm sure people on here are having a much worse time than me. I just feel like my sister and I are struggling with no where to turn to at the moment. We had suspected that my Dad had signs of dementia for a couple of years but my Mum would brush it off with excuses. Unfortunately my Mum passed away four months ago after a few weeks in hospital. This is when we realised just how bad my Dad was and how much my Mum did to help him day to day. he kept forgetting where the car was parked and parking in random places. He couldn't remember what the doctors had said about my Mum and even told several people she had died and wanted to go to the funeral directors (this was several days before she did pass away). After the funeral he seemed to be coping better and we tried to get him to see the doctor but it was difficult to get him there. Things were taken out of hands when he called us one night hallucinating and delirious. He hadn't been sleeping either. He was admitted to hospital for 9 weeks whilst the delirium subsided. The whole time he was in there he thought he was back at work. He was formally diagnosed with Vascular dementia and advised not to drive (which is still a source of anger to him). He was allowed home with Carers as he could barely make a cup of tea without prompts, but they stopped coming after a week as they said he was independent. That was it , we have no details of if he will have follow up appointments about his dementia. He has been home 3 weeks and calls us constantly. he is worried about the garden even though we have a gardener go in ( he accused him of stealing tools but they were neatly stacked in the shed!). He seems anxious all the time and cries a lot, angry when he can't work things out and generally lonely. My sister and I both work everyday and neither of us lives closer than 30 minutes away. We are trying to see him as often as possible but it is never enough and we don't know what to do for the best. I'm sure this is all very common to lots of people but we are at a loss as to how to help him. I feel tearful all the time and dread yet another phone call

 

[canary]

Hello @Alibunchy and welcome to DTP.

Please accept my condolences for your mum.

Im afraid that this story about only discovering how bad someone is after their spouse passes away is all too familiar on her and it always comes as a massive shock to the family. You are still suffeing grief and yet you now also have to try and sort out your dad.

Unfortunately, the memory clinic does not usually offer much in the way of support. When mum went to the memory clinic they did some test, made a diagnosis and that was that - she was discharged back to her GP and I got given some leaflets! The best place for you to start is to ask Adult Social Services for a needs assessment to find out what support he could have. They may offer carers coming in to help with washing and dressing, or making a simple meal. They may offer day care, which IMO would be helpful to your dad as he is probably lonely without your mum and he can also get a good meal there.

There will probably be other things available in your area like Singing for the Brain or dementia hubs, if someone can get him there. If you google Dementia help and your town, you will probably get several things come up.

 

[marionq]

If something happened to me my husband couldn’t cope even for 24 hours. My daughters realise this and I have given instructions as to what should happen in an emergency. On his own your Dad won’t cope for long so I would start to look for places he will feel safe and have company. Then if the situation doesn’t improve you have somewhere in mind.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Alibunchy
I'm surprised home care visits were stopped so soon, or possibly your dad told them he was fine or put on a good show of 'host mode' when they came in
definitely contact his Local Authority Adult Services for an assessment of his care needs, as he has a right to this

maybe also contact his GP to put them fully in the picture ... would your dad write a letter to them giving his permission for you to be informed of appointments etc and allowing you to ask questions about his health, otherwise the GP is bound somewhat by patient confidentiality

if possible, arrange for LPAs so you have them in place to help you in supporting him

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney
the main AS site's directory of local services may be helpful
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/your-support-services

might your dad accept meals deliveries, eg Wiltshire .... so he isn't having to prepare food, and you can shop online for him

 

[Beate]

Unfortunately, with dementia you have got to be proactive.

If the care visits were cancelled, you have to reinstate them. If you need support, you have to contact adult social services and ask for a needs assessment.

And speak to his GP about his anxiety.

 

[Izzy]

If you need to find out what might be available in your area put the postcode into the box in this link -

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

 

[Alibunchy]

Thanks everyone for your support. I think he did put on good show for the Carers. He started getting up and dressed before they came and getting a meal just to show them he was ok. He can get dressed ok now too but we are concerned that he doesn’t sleep. We have seen the GP and he seemed to know less about dementia than me. My Dad asked about driving and the GP said oh most people can drive without thinking. This was even though I had rung the surgery to explain my concerns about his driving, especially his spacial awareness and poor judgement. The problem is my Dad has never been sociable and does not enjoy music etc so we are up against it when we suggest things. We have contacted Age Uk locally and they are going to try and get someone to call in when we can’t . I think we are finding it so tough because we didn’t get time for grieving and mentally we weren’t prepared for this sudden decline. Its heartbreaking too that he seems shocked that we miss my Mum as well as him. He said oh really? I didn’t think you would.....I think we just need to toughen up !!