How long!

summerlily1234

New member
Jun 29, 2019
8
0
Im new so apologies for any errors. My husband of 69years has dementia and many other health issues, he is in a care home as he needs 24 hour nursing. Its torment every day! Its four years now and he is unable to eat without help. I cant get any thoughts off doctors i need to know how long! Im worn out and lonely. He does not talk and does not come out of his room.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @summerlily1234 and welcome to DTP

Im sorry you are finding it so hard to cope with your husband. Unfortunately, the reason why you are unable to get a satisfactory answer from the doctor about how long your husband will survive is because they simply dont know. No-one knows how long this journey will take. I asked the consultant the same question and he shrugged (nicely, he was a lovely man) and basically said - how long is a piece of string?

It sounds like you are very depressed. It sounds like you have been putting your life on hold. I guess that all of your energies have been focussed on your husband and you have been left out of the equation. Can you go and see your GP? Would counselling help?
Can you start to take steps to do things for yourself, doing things because you want to, not because of your husband?
 

summerlily1234

New member
Jun 29, 2019
8
0
Hello @summerlily1234 and welcome to DTP

Im sorry you are finding it so hard to cope with your husband. Unfortunately, the reason why you are unable to get a satisfactory answer from the doctor about how long your husband will survive is because they simply dont know. No-one knows how long this journey will take. I asked the consultant the same question and he shrugged (nicely, he was a lovely man) and basically said - how long is a piece of string?

It sounds like you are very depressed. It sounds like you have been putting your life on hold. I guess that all of your energies have been focussed on your husband and you have been left out of the equation. Can you go and see your GP? Would counselling help?
Can you start to take steps to do things for yourself, doing things because you want to, not because of your husband?
Hello @summerlily1234 and welcome to DTP

Im sorry you are finding it so hard to cope with your husband. Unfortunately, the reason why you are unable to get a satisfactory answer from the doctor about how long your husband will survive is because they simply dont know. No-one knows how long this journey will take. I asked the consultant the same question and he shrugged (nicely, he was a lovely man) and basically said - how long is a piece of string?

It sounds like you are very depressed. It sounds like you have been putting your life on hold. I guess that all of your energies have been focussed on your husband and you have been left out of the equation. Can you go and see your GP? Would counselling help?
Can you start to take steps to do things for yourself, doing things because you want to, not because of your husband?

Thankyou for your kindness. Im trying to make another life for me. Visiting five times a week as he is 15 miles away. I didnt want medication as i need to face this. He has been ill for 15 years. First bowel cancer at 55years, liver cancer 18 months later told he had six months. Head cancer two years after that, developed type 1 diabetis then when he was 64 he had a stroke every year for the next four years till ten months ago where he was diagnosed with vascular dementia which it seems he has been suffering for the last three years. He has a colostomy bag and a cathater and i could no longer look after him. The guilt is bad but not being able to talk to him is even harder. Friends are good to me but being only in our sixties my friends still have their partners, but thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
347
0
I too am only in my sixties, and husband (10 yrs older) has alzheimers, as are many on this forum. I am still caring for him at home but although he has some conversation, there isnt much sense to it. You are not alone!
Youre making it very hard for yourself by visiting 15 miles away five times a week, why not do mon wed fr?
This would stop every day being dominated by it and he probably wont even notice?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I agree with @Roseleigh
You dont have to visit every day. People with dementia dont have the same sense of time as we do and cutting down the visits is unlikely to make any difference. You also dont have to stay very long. It is hard work (and depressing) staying for hours with someone who cannot respond. Do you help with feeding him? Many people have found this a way to continue shared experience.
 

summerlily1234

New member
Jun 29, 2019
8
0
I agree with @Roseleigh
You dont have to visit every day. People with dementia dont have the same sense of time as we do and cutting down the visits is unlikely to make any difference. You also dont have to stay very long. It is hard work (and depressing) staying for hours with someone who cannot respond. Do you help with feeding him? Many people have found this a way to continue shared experience.
I feel so guilty, after 50 years and promising to look after him in sickness and in health. But i know what your saying letting go isnt easy. Today he was unable to walk at all so another hurdle but he seems not to be in pain. I am going to be strong and take each day, we are all on a journey and i found out today my cousin got killed by a train yesterday which makes you realise every journey is different.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Im so sorry to hear about your cousin @summerlily1234 - that must have come as a shock.

The promise "in sickness and in health" doesnt stipulate where he should live nor how often you visit.
You wont be abandoning him by visiting every other day, rather than every day. You will still be his advocate, his voice now he has none and will do everything you can to make sure he is well looked after.
But you are also allowed your own life too. Couples dont do everything together, you can still pursue your own interests as well as looking after his.
 

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