New to all this

Mayzee

New member
Jun 29, 2019
2
0
Hello,

I have just joined this support group and have read a number of the posts so I'm sure I'm going to get the help and advice I need.
My husband has recently turned 80 and failed the memory test needed to renew his driver's licence. I am from NZ. He has never been one to see the doctor as he has always been fairly fit and active. However, about 6 months ago it dawned on me that my OH has changed noticeably over the last 5 years and I wonder if these changes weren't happening even before that. He hasn't been tested, but a visit to the doctor with me, convinced the doctor that OH has dementia. He has become almost like a stranger to me which doesn't help. He used to crack funnies all the time and it would be a laugh a minute round here, but now conversation is very limited. His conversation is erratic as the sentences are often jumbled and he is forever asking me the names of everyday objects or he calls things by the wrong name. He calls rain 'water' and tonight when I was rolling out pastry, he referred to it as 'flat stuff'. Otherwise he can seem almost normal, but then suddenly will spew out a string of sentences that make no sense at all.
I am worried about him because apart from the fact he dozes off on the sofa everyday, he is not eating or drinking enough. I beg him to drink more, but generally get told that he knows what he's doing. I also think he simply forgets the advice I've given, so I don't know how to get round those problems.
There are a million little jobs that need doing around home and some he keeps saying he's going to sort out, but never actually does anything. I've been told this is a typical symptom of dementia. I generally have to chase him up to have a shower and I know that all of this is only going to get worse. I've seen in other posts that carers are cleaning up their spouses etc after toileting accidents etc. I don't think I could ever do that. I have health issues of my own with chronic tendonitis in both arms as well, so i doubt I'be be able to heave him around at all if and when he becomes that bad. I even worry that I will pass before he does. We have no family around us to offer assistance either, so I feel very alone and, sadly there are days when I feel bitter and twisted also.
I wish I knew what stage of dementia he is at. Is he mild or moderate? He would refuse to be tested for dementia and insist there was nothing wrong with him. I get depressed thinking about the man he used to be and feel frustrated and nervous about what's ahead.
 
Last edited:

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
hello @Mayzee and welcome to DTP.

You really are beginning to struggle. I have no idea what help is available in New Zealand but here in England a diagnosis is necessary to open any door to help available. This can be drugs or support for you to help you cope. Is it possible for you to have a word with his doctor and explain all the changes in your husband and how it is affecting you.

Please keep posting here and the members will offer support and understanding and hopefullybyou wont feel so alone in dealing with it all.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
Hi Mayzee,I would put NZ on your profile. There are several members from there who regularly appear and I guess they will help you.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,785
0
Kent
Hello @Mayzee Welcome to the forum.

Even though your husband hasn`t yet had a diagnosis it does sounds as if something is seriously wrong and the fact you have identified with some of the posts you`ve read here confirms it. Really if the doctor agreed with you I doubt any further testing would be necessary.
The only value in a formal confirmation of dementia is to get your name in the system and access to any medication which may or may not agree with your husband.

I also think he simply forgets the advice I've given, so I don't know how to get round those problems.

I think the following may help you.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
502
0
Hello Mayzee and welcome.
I think I can appreciate how desperate you feel as I still remember my first post.
I’m a proactive person and wanted to know everything and how to plan ahead. That was before dementia entered my life.
From my experience each stage has different challenges and I can see little benefit from knowing what stage we are at.
Everyone is unique therefore everyone has different experiences through the ‘stages’
As Grannie G says a formal diagnosis gets you in the system in the UK.
Give yourself time to absorb what is happening, read as much as you can and keep posting x
 

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