Holiday Care

[Sasabinks]

I'm looking after my dad who is yet to be diagnosed. He has suffered with poor memory for over 10 years but in the last 18 months it has got rapidly worse. He was referred to OPMH last summer & in September they diagnosed him with MCI. They were quite happy to discharge him & for me to get another referral should he deteriorate. I said I wasnt happy with that & so he was seen again in March & referred for a brain scan which he had in early May and we should get results at end of June.

In the meantime I am about to go ona 2 week holiday and so my brother who lives about
3 hours away has agreed for my dad to go stay with him. I moved my dad in with me in March as he was unable to be on his own as he wasnt eating properly. So this morning I said we were taking him to my brothers and he threw a toddler like tantrum...kicking the bags I packed & throwing his shoes - fortunately not at anyone.

I met my brother half way. We had some lunch together & then they set off together & I returned home. At 7.00 this evening I get a phone call from my brother saying my dad wants somethings sorting out. Dad becomes agitated on the phone - he usually does around this time anyway. He wants to know how he got there, why he was there. I told him how and then said it was because I was going on holiday.... then he got more agitated. I admit I didn't tell him the reason before I took him otherwise he would've refused to go. It got more heated with him telling me very sarcastically to have a nice time. To which I replied I will & then I put the phone down. My brother phoned me later to say that he cant believe how bad dad has got. He constantly asks the same questions over & over again. He cant put any logic around time & places.

When hes at home with me and he acts this way we find the best way to deal with him is to leave him on his own in whichever room hes in........but now I feel like I'll never be able to go on holiday again if this is how he is going to be....

Has anyone else had to deal with this behaviour? Is it a trait of dementia? Dad has also suffered with high blood pressure for over 15 years & has recently been diagnosed with Atrial fibrillation.

 

[marionq]

Yes that is typical for some people with dementia. You mustn’t allow yourself to be bullied out of your holiday because he wants things to stay in his routine. It may be that in future you will need to get SS to arrange respite care if your brother finds it too much. He’ll get over it so enjoy your break.

 

[deepetshopboy]

Hi my dads started throwing tantrums and he sounds just like him he sulks too and hes started getting aggressive i made the mistake of taking him away on holiday which was absolutely horrendous he got bad sunburn on hes legs as wouldn’t let me spray the cream on him properly and has always been sarcastic and can be and pre dementia was nasty but even more sp now like a giant toddler i feel as a female i cannot control him im trying so hard as hes carer i feel defeated and everything i do and try isn’t working ☹️☹️☹️ I had plans to move him in with me now not so sure as he’s getting aggravated and hates going to were i live he wants to leave after 30 mins and had to pull him back and try n lock him in for hes own safety as he gets lost but hes started trying to kick me out of anger the other day neighbors had a good look so embarrassing ☹️

 

[Bunpoots]

It sounds as though it’s getting really tough for you @deepetshopboy and your dad needs are too much for one person to deal with. Do you get any help with caring for him?

I agree with you that it would not be a good idea for him to live with you. You need to keep yourself safe.

As a daughter looking after her dad I found that certain things were best left for carers to deal with. Dad wasn’t violent with me but he could get a bit irritable - especially when it came to personal care.

 

[deepetshopboy]

I have a care agency sending carers in 2 hours a week meant to give me a break which is laughable because 1 i wouldn’t leave with a goldfish and another was 19 meek and inexperienced had to show her around and she kept sitting down the other left a hour early when i dared to go out did nothing the other said my dads flat was dirty which it isnt no caring people skills whatsoever the odd visit from a cousin once a month for half a day hes not getting personal care as i run the bath get him clothes and leave him to it i do meals shopping medication laundry field calls do invoices for care agency clean as well as tunning over to my flat to try and do bits over there if im lucky i night be able to have a bath or wah my hair

 

[Guzelle]

I'm looking after my dad who is yet to be diagnosed. He has suffered with poor memory for over 10 years but in the last 18 months it has got rapidly worse. He was referred to OPMH last summer & in September they diagnosed him with MCI. They were quite happy to discharge him & for me to get another referral should he deteriorate. I said I wasnt happy with that & so he was seen again in March & referred for a brain scan which he had in early May and we should get results at end of June.

In the meantime I am about to go ona 2 week holiday and so my brother who lives about
3 hours away has agreed for my dad to go stay with him. I moved my dad in with me in March as he was unable to be on his own as he wasnt eating properly. So this morning I said we were taking him to my brothers and he threw a toddler like tantrum...kicking the bags I packed & throwing his shoes - fortunately not at anyone.

I met my brother half way. We had some lunch together & then they set off together & I returned home. At 7.00 this evening I get a phone call from my brother saying my dad wants somethings sorting out. Dad becomes agitated on the phone - he usually does around this time anyway. He wants to know how he got there, why he was there. I told him how and then said it was because I was going on holiday.... then he got more agitated. I admit I didn't tell him the reason before I took him otherwise he would've refused to go. It got more heated with him telling me very sarcastically to have a nice time. To which I replied I will & then I put the phone down. My brother phoned me later to say that he cant believe how bad dad has got. He constantly asks the same questions over & over again. He cant put any logic around time & places.

When hes at home with me and he acts this way we find the best way to deal with him is to leave him on his own in whichever room hes in........but now I feel like I'll never be able to go on holiday again if this is how he is going to be....

Has anyone else had to deal with this behaviour? Is it a trait of dementia? Dad has also suffered with high blood pressure for over 15 years & has recently been diagnosed with Atrial fibrillation.

My Oh behaves like this. We used to go walking with a group but he doesn’t want go to now but I still go as I have made friends and enjoy the walk But when I get home he asks in a very sarcastic manner have I seen my friends? He has had lots of tantrums over the years it’s very hurtful but try not to be bullied into not doing anything without them or you will feel like a prisoner. It also affect your health.

 

[Sasabinks]

Thanks for all the replies.

Back home after a lovely 2 week holiday. Unfortunately dad did not have as good a time nor did my brother. Looks like I wont be able to have my dad stay with my brother again when I go on holiday.

Dad had deteriorated more since I've been away. Now we are all back I now have taken to locking my bedroom door whether I'm in or out of it as he has started to go through all my cupboards & drawers to the point he has broken my fitted wardrobes which have only bee in for 3 months. Today I was poorly with a migraine and had to sleep it off but became into the bedroom & just stood staring at me as I was in be bed which woke me up. I didn't open my eyes straight away but knew he was staring at me.... it really freaked me out. He attempted to enter the bed room several times after that during the course of the afternoon/evening but I had locked it.

I was hoping for a diagnosis today as he had a brain scan last month but they still haven't said what it is.....even though they said his brain has shrunk more than expected for his age. We now have to wait for someone from occupational therapy come out & see him. I've looked up what the scan probably means & chatted to a nurse who specialises in palliative care - and both say the same - alzheimer's. Reading the 7 stages he is already at stage 6. They've offered to prescribe a mild anti depressant to help him get a better night's sleep but we have to wait a while before he can take it as OPMH have to ask the consultant before requesting the gp prescribe it..... it all feels so long winded. We started this process over a year ago......

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Sasabinks. I’m glad you had a good holiday.

I remember my dad at stage 6. I never had him live with me as my house wasn’t suitable. I also felt it would’ve been unfair to my children as he could get nasty with them at times - something he would never have done pre-dementia.

Have you spoken to Social Services about getting help to care for you dad? Even without a diagnosis of dementia he still has care needs and is entitled to an assessment even if he would be self-funding. This would be a good way to find out what help is available in your area including things like daycare centres, respite and eventually full time care if it becomes necessary. A good social worker can offer a lot of support and advice.
You are also entitled to a carers assessment (mine last year gave me £650 towards respite care for dad so I could get a break and £150 to spend as I liked which I spent on a pushbike so I could get some exercise and stress relief)

It’s also worth applying for attendance allowance for your dad if you haven’t already. This is not means tested.