How do I tell mum that the care home is now her permanent home

[Ajay64]

Hi,
this is my first post on the forum and I wonder if anyone can give me some guidance. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 15 months ago, having recently taken a turn for the worse, after a UTI, she came out of hospital into a care home - we had to tell her it was to convalesce in order to get her through the door. She has now been there a week, and, as expected, constantly asks when she is going home and keeps packing her suitcase, which she will not let me bring away. Can anyone give me some guidance as to how to gently bring my mum around to understanding that she needs to stay there because she is unwell and cannot look after herself anymore - she's a very independent woman!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

 

[canary]

Hello @Ajay64 and welcome to DTP

The short answer is that you are never going to be able to get your mum to understand that it is her permanant home.
In her mind there is nothing wrong with her and she is perfectly able to look after herself, so she will never believe you and trying to reason with her will just make her either angry or upset.

I got my mum into her care home by telling her that she was convalescing too. It is a concept that most elderly people understand. If your mum accepted that then just keep repeating it. She is convalescing and she can go home when the doctor says she can. Dont get into arguments about it. Do remove that suitcase. Dont ask her if you can - just do it when she is not around and doesnt see you doing it - perhaps when she is having dinner, or perhaps one of the carers can take her somewhere to show her "something important". Eventually mum stopped asking to go home.

 

[Ajay64]

Hello @Ajay64 and welcome to DTP

The short answer is that you are never going to be able to get your mum to understand that it is her permanant home.
In her mind there is nothing wrong with her and she is perfectly able to look after herself, so she will never believe you and trying to reason with her will just make her either angry or upset.

I got my mum into her care home by telling her that she was convalescing too. It is a concept that most elderly people understand. If your mum accepted that then just keep repeating it. She is convalescing and she can go home when the doctor says she can. Dont get into arguments about it. Do remove that suitcase. Dont ask her if you can - just do it when she is not around and doesnt see you doing it - perhaps when she is having dinner, or perhaps one of the carers can take her somewhere to show her "something important". Eventually mum stopped asking to go home.

Thank you for your response - it is so good to know that this is not unusual - I'm hoping we can all come to terms with the situation in time.

 

[Ajay64]

Not got used to this forum yet, but apologies if I have replied twice to your post. Canary. Thank you for your response - it is good to know that what mum and the family are going through is not unusual.

 

[canary]

Not got used to this forum yet, but apologies if I have replied twice to your post. Canary.

You are doing fine

 

[anxious annie]

Hi Ajay
I sympathise with your problem and feel that I shall be in the same position soon as am anticipating that mum will need to move to a care home within the next few months. I know she will not want to go, and as yet am not sure how we will move her. I hope that your mum settles soon and stops asking to go home. A good idea from Canary to remove the reminder of the suitcase.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi,
this is my first post on the forum and I wonder if anyone can give me some guidance. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 15 months ago, having recently taken a turn for the worse, after a UTI, she came out of hospital into a care home - we had to tell her it was to convalesce in order to get her through the door. She has now been there a week, and, as expected, constantly asks when she is going home and keeps packing her suitcase, which she will not let me bring away. Can anyone give me some guidance as to how to gently bring my mum around to understanding that she needs to stay there because she is unwell and cannot look after herself anymore - she's a very independent woman!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

Don't discuss or explain it . Tell her she's staying there until she's better. The reality is of course, she's not going anywhere. Take away the suitcase ,tell her you need to use it to bring back fresh clothes. Then don't take it back. Tell her you've forgotten it next time. If you wait for her to agree with you or see your point of view then you will wait forever

 

[Ajay64]

Hi anxious annie,

thanks for your message, I shall be working on the suitcase issue next time I visit. I hope all goes well for you when the time comes.

 

[Ajay64]

Don't discuss or explain it . Tell her she's staying there until she's better. The reality is of course, she's not going anywhere. Take away the suitcase ,tell her you need to use it to bring back fresh clothes. Then don't take it back. Tell her you've forgotten it next time. If you wait for her to agree with you or see your point of view then you will wait forever

 

[Ajay64]

That's a good suggestion - thank you.

 

[Beverleyboots]

Hello @Ajay64 and welcome to DTP

The short answer is that you are never going to be able to get your mum to understand that it is her permanant home.
In her mind there is nothing wrong with her and she is perfectly able to look after herself, so she will never believe you and trying to reason with her will just make her either angry or upset.

I got my mum into her care home by telling her that she was convalescing too. It is a concept that most elderly people understand. If your mum accepted that then just keep repeating it. She is convalescing and she can go home when the doctor says she can. Dont get into arguments about it. Do remove that suitcase. Dont ask her if you can - just do it when she is not around and doesnt see you doing it - perhaps when she is having dinner, or perhaps one of the carers can take her somewhere to show her "something important". Eventually mum stopped asking to go home.

This is encouraging advice - I am going through exactly the same and keep forgetting that I can't really treat my mum like a reasonable person...this advice applies so much to our situation at the moment - we took mum to a respite which she is staying in for a couple of weeks while they finish off her brand new care home but she is not accepting it at all and trying every argument in the book to make us take her home again ! It is so difficult. I will try and tell her this and see if it helps her to accept it better - as you say she will never understand I see that now

 

[canary]

Hello @Beverleyboots and welcome to DTP

Im glad you have found this thread helpful. It took mum a couple of months to settle, so you are in very early days.
I thought i would post a link to something that you might find helpful
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710

 

[pevensey]

Hello @Beverleyboots and welcome to DTP

Im glad you have found this thread helpful. It took mum a couple of months to settle, so you are in very early days.
I thought i would post a link to something that you might find helpful
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710

It's always such a distressing time when you know permanent care is a must, both for you and the PWD. I'm going to have to do it soon. My hubby is in respite at moment, it started off at 2 weeks but then when he was due to come home I started getting panic attacks and feeling I wasnt going to cope, they extended to another 2 weeks and I feel a lot better now, but I have to get this care package in place now, moving furniture around, changing how the bathroom door opens, which means moving the shower and light switches, amongst other things, SO they have extended it by another 2 weeks, while I get it all done. BUT HE HAS NEVER asked when hes coming home or how long hes been there. even though I know he doesn't really like it there, he does say all the time that hes trapped there and will probably die there, I keep trying to reassure him that he WILL be home in 2 weeks but I think hes lost all sense of time. My point is though I know it wont be long before he is ready for permanent care, as he seems to have gone downhill a lot since hes done these few weeks respite and all the advice you have been given on here with your problem are very helpful and I will take them all on board when I'm in the position you are in. As hes seems to have accepted that hes not coming home from his respite even though he is I'm hoping he will accept it when he actually does go permanent, although it will be to a nicer and more lively carehome than he is now. I've looked at a few and earmarked a couple of lovely ones.
Hope everything goes well for you, take care.