Nursing Home dilemma

[OutdoorGal]

The story so far. My Dad is 85 years of age and has vascular dementia. He was diagnosed 4 years ago. My brother and I have been caring for him in his own home since this time (my brother lives at home with my Dad) and I was visiting 2 or 3 times a day when not at work. On the three days i worked carers called in in the morning and afternoon for half an hour and I called on the way home from work. Whilst at work my Dad would ring me numerous times to see when I was visiting even though the carers had been or where about to come. At night time my Dad was very unsettled and would start saying he wanted to go home (even though he was in his home and had been for the last 60 years). During the night my Dad would be up and down the stairs constantly and going to the front door and shouting on the landing for his mother and father. My brother was unable to calm him down most of the time and this situation lead to my brother suffering from anxiety as my Dad could get quite verbally forceful. He also suffered from sleep deprivation and he was trying to hold down a full time job.
In February we got him into a lovely rest home for respite but unfortunately he fell and broke his hip which lead to a partial hip replacement. Whilst in hospital he was assessed and required general nursing care. Two weeks ago we got him into a good nursing home but everytime he sees me he wants to go home. This situation has escalated and he is now demanding to go home and he has told me that inless I take him home I haven't to bother coming and if I don't do it he will get out anyway and go home. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and doesn't understand why he is in the nursing home. The home say that he is grumpy but they are working with him to try and settle him. Sometimes he refuses personal care. I am happy with the home and feel that he is in the right place. What do I do please it is so upsetting to see him like this and he just does not understand why I can't take him home. He says he can manage but realistically he can't. Thank you so much for reading this.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @OutdoorGal and welcome to the forum.

Two weeks isn't very long for someone to settle into a new home. My dad was very much the same when he first went into his carehome. He was grumpy and resistant to personal care and could get quite feisty with the carers. But he did settle eventually and it was the best place for him to be.

Some homes suggest not visiting for a week or so to allow the person to settle.

There comes a point when it all gets too much for one person to cope with. Just before my dad went in to care he thought he was fine... But I was stressed and anxious waiting for a crisis.

Give it time. It sounds as though your dad is in a good place. In your situation I think I would not visit for a while and just phone to see how he's doing.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Hello @OutdoorGal and welcome to the forum.

Two weeks isn't very long for someone to settle into a new home. My dad was very much the same when he first went into his carehome. He was grumpy and resistant to personal care and could get quite feisty with the carers. But he did settle eventually and it was the best place for him to be.

Some homes suggest not visiting for a week or so to allow the person to settle.

There comes a point when it all gets too much for one person to cope with. Just before my dad went in to care he thought he was fine... But I was stressed and anxious waiting for a crisis.

Give it time. It sounds as though your dad is in a good place. In your situation I think I would not visit for a while and just phone to see how he's doing.

Thank you for your speedy reply, it gives me strength that I am doing the right thing in a very difficult situation. I hope your Dad is okay.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I agree with @Bunpoots that you should take a break from visiting, at least a week and perhaps two. Keep in touch with the home and see what they say.

How is your father with your brother? Does he say the same things?

 

[canary]

I agree with taking a break to give him a chance to settle and weaken this trigger of seeing you and wanting to go home. When you do go and visit him dont try and explain why he cant go home, because he is unable to understand - in his mind there is nothing wrong and you are lying to him or have some ulterior motive in keeping him there. When mum was in her care home and said she wanted to go home I used to tell her she was convalescing after her hospital stay and she could go home when the doctor said. Other people have used excuses like there had been a burst pipe and they could go home when it was fixed.

BTW, from what you said it rather sounds like your dad was not recognising his home as home. If you ask him what his home is like and who is there, you might find that the home he wants to go back to is actually his childhood home. Its a very common thing with dementia that there is this compulsion to "go home", but what they actually want is to go back to a time and place before the confusion of dementia where they felt safe

 

[Jamin]

Hi, you have my sympathy, mum had a fall at home broke her hip. She was forgetful before the fall but the Dr told her it was old age, she's 95. While in hospital she became very confused, put down to post op delerium but didn't get much better. We were told she needed 24/7 care and we wouldn't be able to cope so reluctantly we had to chose a home.
She's been there 5 weeks now, she hates it, threatening to leave or kill herself. On a good day I feel she's not bad enough to be there. Breaking my heart to see her, cry after every visit. Want to bring her to live with me but everyone advises against that. Horrible dilema, I'm emotionally drained.

 

[OutdoorGal]

I agree with @Bunpoots that you should take a break from visiting, at least a week and perhaps two. Keep in touch with the home and see what they say.

How is your father with your brother? Does he say the same things?[/QUOT

Thank you very much for the response, I really appreciate it. My father is quite prickly with my brother and in a nutshell my father just wants me. i think there is confusion between me and my late mother. When my father was at home he continually asked my brother to take him home when he was actually at home. This caused quite a bit of friction as my Father got quite demanding and forceful about it.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Hi, you have my sympathy, mum had a fall at home broke her hip. She was forgetful before the fall but the Dr told her it was old age, she's 95. While in hospital she became very confused, put down to post op delerium but didn't get much better. We were told she needed 24/7 care and we wouldn't be able to cope so reluctantly we had to chose a home.
She's been there 5 weeks now, she hates it, threatening to leave or kill herself. On a good day I feel she's not bad enough to be there. Breaking my heart to see her, cry after every visit. Want to bring her to live with me but everyone advises against that. Horrible dilema, I'm emotionally drained.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is such a dilemma to be in and I sympathise with you all in your own circumstances. The Home are trying their best to get my Dad settled but it continues to be a challenge. I don't know what reception I will get when I go, feel anxious about that but just hoping he eventually improves. Thanks again all x

 

[Bunpoots]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is such a dilemma to be in and I sympathise with you all in your own circumstances. The Home are trying their best to get my Dad settled but it continues to be a challenge. I don't know what reception I will get when I go, feel anxious about that but just hoping he eventually improves. Thanks again all x

I well remember dreading every visit. Do remember that you matter too and if you need to visit less for your own sake your dad is in a safe place. I used to visit about 3 times a week as I found it emotionally draining even though I was very relieved to know dad was so well looked after. Dad knew me til the end but it was sad to watch him fade..

Keep posting. It does help to be able to share feelings with those who understand.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Jamin
just to offer a warm welcome to DTP
it's early days yet for your mum, slowly she may well settle
I thought at times that dad might cope back home, but on his challenging days and nights I knew that I wouldn't have coped
the move into residential care is tough all round, give yourself and your mum time to settle into new routines .. chat with the staff, your mum may be quieter and more content at different times in the day

 

[OutdoorGal]

hello @Jamin
just to offer a warm welcome to DTP
it's early days yet for your mum, slowly she may well settle
I thought at times that dad might cope back home, but on his challenging days and nights I knew that I wouldn't have coped
the move into residential care is tough all round, give yourself and your mum time to settle into new routines .. chat with the staff, your mum may be quieter and more content at different times in the day

Thank you again for the comments. It certainly does help to chat things through on here. I notice you say you visited 3 times a week. I haven't visited in two weeks as I don't feel able to cope with it. This all feels wrong as my Dad will be thinking he has been abandoned which is heart wrenching. Its just very difficult all round. I do know that he is in a good place though and I have daily contact with the Home.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @OutdoorGal
don't beat yourself up about not visiting yet .. you'll know when you're ready
it may well be that your dad has no real idea of when he saw you last, as time can work differently in a brain affected by dementia; he may be living very much in now with no grasp of time passing
you are in daily contact with the staff, which is good .. don't be worried about asking them straight out questions, to settle your mind

 

[OutdoorGal]

hi @OutdoorGal
don't beat yourself up about not visiting yet .. you'll know when you're ready
it may well be that your dad has no real idea of when he saw you last, as time can work differently in a brain affected by dementia; he may be living very much in now with no grasp of time passing
you are in daily contact with the staff, which is good .. don't be worried about asking them straight out questions, to settle your mind

Thank you very much that is very reassuring. Such a difficult time wondering whether you are doing the right thing/not doing the right thing and wondering what reception I will receive at the next visit and just wishing I could visit more and that my Dad would be content with where he is and the care he is receiving. Thank you again.

 

[canary]

Your dad is still in very early stages of settling @OutdoorGal - it can take several months for them to settle. In the meantime, you are doing the right thing and eventually it will be OK.
xx

 

[Sirena]

@OutdoorGal I know what you mean about not knowing if you are doing the right thing - generally I find that I think I'm doing the wrong thing, and not enough of it.

My mother has been in a CH for 15 months, and I only visit once a fortnight (unless she's unwell, in which case I go more often). I doubt your dad feels abandoned at all - it is unlikely he has any sense of time so will not know if you visited yesterday or a week ago. One time I was in the lounge with my mother and then went up to her room to leave some toiletries for her, I returned five minutes later and she greeted me like she hadn't seen me in weeks! You have done your best for your dad, and you know he's safe.

 

[OutdoorGal]

@OutdoorGal I know what you mean about not knowing if you are doing the right thing - generally I find that I think I'm doing the wrong thing, and not enough of it.

My mother has been in a CH for 15 months, and I only visit once a fortnight (unless she's unwell, in which case I go more often). I doubt your dad feels abandoned at all - it is unlikely he has any sense of time so will not know if you visited yesterday or a week ago. One time I was in the lounge with my mother and then went up to her room to leave some toiletries for her, I returned five minutes later and she greeted me like she hadn't seen me in weeks! You have done your best for your dad, and you know he's safe.

Thank you very much, this is all very reassuring that eventually my Dad will hopefully settle. I am visiting this week and hoping that he is okay. Thanks again for answering.

 

[Jale]

Thank you very much, this is all very reassuring that eventually my Dad will hopefully settle. I am visiting this week and hoping that he is okay. Thanks again for answering.

Will be keeping fingers crossed that your Dad is starting to settle. Mum cannot remember if we have visited and is insistent that her son hasn't been to see her even though he has. I usually pass it off and say she must have been asleep when he called in.

 

[Witzend]

@OutdoorGal I know what you mean about not knowing if you are doing the right thing - generally I find that I think I'm doing the wrong thing, and not enough of it.

My mother has been in a CH for 15 months, and I only visit once a fortnight (unless she's unwell, in which case I go more often). I doubt your dad feels abandoned at all - it is unlikely he has any sense of time so will not know if you visited yesterday or a week ago. One time I was in the lounge with my mother and then went up to her room to leave some toiletries for her, I returned five minutes later and she greeted me like she hadn't seen me in weeks! You have done your best for your dad, and you know he's safe.

Very similar here. Once went back after only 2 minutes for a cardigan I'd forgotten (before another resident took a fancy to it!) and my mother had no idea that I'd only just been.

Even well before she went into the CH she once told me she hadn't seen my brother for weeks, when I'd met him just getting into his car to go, as I was arriving.
And I'm sure she genuinely believed it.

So OP, I dare say your father will be equally unaware as to when you last visited.

I don't mind admitting that for the first few months, it was extremely stressful, visiting my mother in her CH - my stomach would be in knots and sometimes I'd chicken out because I just couldn't face it. She was angry with us for putting her there, when according to her there was absolutely nothing wrong with her - if only!! - and was a endlessly demanding to be taken home - where she hadn't been happy either - so often anxious or frightened of things she couldn't even name - but of course she had no recollection of that.

Hang in there - I'm sure things will improve, though I know it can seem to take a long time. My mother did settle eventually, and stopped asking about home - to be honest if she mentioned home later, it was always her childhood home from before WW2.

 

[OutdoorGal]

Hello, I have had a call this week from the home to say that they are trying their best with my Dad,with all different strategies but he has been quite aggressive. I think that it is sheer frustration that he is realising that he is not getting out of there. They are having to physically be with him all the time as he is constantly getting up and down and is at very high risk from falling again. They have said if he continues to show aggression they will have to re think things and he may have to be moved to another home.. I know they are trying their best though and exhausting all avenues to keep him there. Such a worry as I really don't want him in an EMI home. I just think any aggression is just sheer frustration. What do you think? and thank you once again.