Dad putting mum at risk

[garfield3]

Dear fellow journeymen,

Hope things are not too bad in your part of the world.

Mum is ok at the moment.eating finger food sandwiches, chips etc. Dad goes in to feed her even though she can still feed herself. She has monitored liquid in a bottle .Dad had been pouring some of it out because it is too much or too heavy for her to lift according to him. He interferes. Last week mum had chicken nuggets. Dad fed/ forced one into her mouth. She won't wear her false teeth so doesn't have much to chew with. The female nurse has spoken to him and basically he knows best. The nurse said it is a choking hazzard . She could inhale the crumb into her lungs. Today dad is being spoken to by the deputy manager. He is a man so hopefully dad will be responsive to the meeting and being told not to come in at meal times. The problem is he has done this sort of thing before. Hopefully it won't lead to more serious consequences for dad.

Any ideas most welcome. Thanks

 

[Jessbow]

In a way its quite sad, dad clearly wants to play a part. I hope the manager see that and finds him a role. He clearly means well

Who provided the chicken nuggets? The home or dad? If they were what was planned for her lunch, if they perceived she'd choke, wouldnt make any difference who fed them to her

 

[Linbrusco]

Hope you dont mind me asking. but could your Dad have cognitive impairment/mild dementia himself?

My Dad 81 has mild mixed dementia, Mum 78 is in care and in end stage Alzheimers.
She’s been in care 3 yrs.
Dad thinks its 1, and shes still going to get better and come home
Thankfully he doesnt have anything to do with her care or try to feed her, but he just doesnt get it, and no matter who tells him he won’t.
Mum has had no teeth now for 8 months. She has lost so much weight they wouldnt fit but yet goes on and on about me taking Mum her teeth.
She is on a diet of Fortasip drinks, mashed & pureed food because she cant handle any other texture of food, but Dad asks bizarre questions if she eats crisps, chocolate & cakes. Mum can’t even feed herself.
Mum hasnt walked since January, but he asks if Mum still goes on the weekly mini van outings.

Hopefully hearing it from a male might work with your Dad.

 

[garfield3]

In a way its quite sad, dad clearly wants to play a part. I hope the manager see that and finds him a role. He clearly means well

Who provided the chicken nuggets? The home or dad? If they were what was planned for her lunch, if they perceived she'd choke, wouldnt make any difference who fed them to her

Yes, you are right. The home supplied them. Maybe a care assistant was told about mum. Yes, dad wants to help.

 

[garfield3]

Hope you dont mind me asking. but could your Dad have cognitive impairment/mild dementia himself?

My Dad 81 has mild mixed dementia, Mum 78 is in care and in end stage Alzheimers.
She’s been in care 3 yrs.
Dad thinks its 1, and shes still going to get better and come home
Thankfully he doesnt have anything to do with her care or try to feed her, but he just doesnt get it, and no matter who tells him he won’t.
Mum has had no teeth now for 8 months. She has lost so much weight they wouldnt fit but yet goes on and on about me taking Mum her teeth.
She is on a diet of Fortasip drinks, mashed & pureed food because she cant handle any other texture of food, but Dad asks bizarre questions if she eats crisps, chocolate & cakes. Mum can’t even feed herself.
Mum hasnt walked since January, but he asks if Mum still goes on the weekly mini van outings.

Hopefully hearing it from a male might work with your Dad.

I have wondered that myself. However, his brother who was 94 died 3 months ago. Dad has no family bar me. He is sorting out the sale of my Uncle's flat too. He misses his brother a lot and used to go over to Glasgow 2-3 times a month. I think he is depressed too. I only get home twice a year since I don't live in the UK.

 

[silversea2020]

It’s a shame you’ve labelled your father an ‘idiot’ in your subject title. He sounds like he’s had an awful lot to deal with & you live away. Sometimes a little more empathy is required.

 

[garfield3]

It’s a shame you’ve labelled your father an ‘idiot’ in your subject title. He sounds like he’s had an awful lot to deal with & you live away. Sometimes a little more empathy is required.

I understand your comments, however dad is one of these people who is always right. He was / is a bully and control freak. I do have empathy, but I remember my childhood too. Enough said !!

 

[marionq]

I have wondered that myself. However, his brother who was 94 died 3 months ago. Dad has no family bar me. He is sorting out the sale of my Uncle's flat too. He misses his brother a lot and used to go over to Glasgow 2-3 times a month. I think he is depressed too. I only get home twice a year since I don't live in the UK.

 

[marionq]

You know we have very good daycentres in Glasgow run by the LA?
Perhaps if your Dad went a couple of times a week he wouldn't be so lonely. It costs £15 per day plus £5 for lunch and other snacks during the day. Anyone on a low income doesn't pay at all. I wonder if his GP would suggest it to him and make a referral?

 

[AliceA]

Your father is suffering from grief of a loss of two people. One has died and he desperately wants the other back to how she was.
Loneliness is disabling, deep loneliness is not always assuaged by any company but by the right company.
He may have health problems too.
If you can only visit twice a year he could well be hiding the whole picture from you. People often host when people visit, dementia or not. We all can rise to the occasion.
Bullies and control freaks are to be pitied, they are weak people. I know this is difficult as your childhood memories stick.
I would really question the diet that the care home gives to vulnerable people.
It is really tough for you being away, have you anyone you could trust to act on your behalf?
Is there an old colleague that could befriend and support your Dad?
Be kind to yourself too, more of life is out of our control than we like to think.

 

[garfield3]

You know we have very good daycentres in Glasgow run by the LA?
Perhaps if your Dad went a couple of times a week he wouldn't be so lonely. It costs £15 per day plus £5 for lunch and other snacks during the day. Anyone on a low income doesn't pay at all. I wonder if his GP would suggest it to him and make a referral?

Thanks I will have a look and let him know.