I’m so sorry to heart that. For what it’s worth, my Dad died on 25th May this year. He went into hospital late January and from there to a care home late February. At the end, it was as if we got him back. He was calmer, he knew more, he knew where he had lived - not always but a lot more than before - the last couple of visits to see him he was very quiet, and hadn’t the strength to speak. But there was so much love in him, and humour and smiles. We held hands, I shared memories of funny times with him and he nodded and smiled.
Now that he is gone, I wish he was still there, because I would love to hug him one last time and tell him I love him one last time. Or visit him with my brother and mother and have a good visit that they could remember too, with smiling and waving and wiggling eyebrows. I also miss him, old Dad, before Alzheimer’s. And it makes me miss Mum all the more, because she has dementia too.
It’s a complicated process this grieving. I’d only say, remember that you are not alone. Chances are many people have stood where you are and felt as you feel. Everything you are feeling, the sadness, the guilt, the could I have done that a little better, the relief ... I am convinced all of it is normal. Give yourself as much time and space as you can to get it sorted in your head.
All the best and God bless,
MTM