Still struggling.

TriciaBee

Registered User
Jul 27, 2018
34
0
Nearly 5 months since my husband went into a Care Home. He has a mobile phone and rings me umpteen times a day. I visit him every day, sometimes twice a day.When he talks to me on the phone he sounds almost normal, although he can’t express himself very well. When he sees me though, he thinks I am someone else. My visits are upsetting for both of us.
I have been seeing a counsellor. She is lovely but she just listens. She doesn’t tell me what to do and I need someone to tell me what to do!
TriciaBee
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,693
0
Sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment. If your visits are upsetting for both of you have you considered reducing them? Your husband needs time to settle in the home and it's often a good idea to cut down on visits to give time to get used to the routines in the home. Having a mobile phone might not be helping either. He is safe and being cared for and the staff will let you know if there are any problems so maybe try saying something like the phone has a fault and needs to go away for repairs? It's worth trying as you can't go on as you are, with both of you getting upset. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some more suggestions to help.
 

TriciaBee

Registered User
Jul 27, 2018
34
0
Sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment. If your visits are upsetting for both of you have you considered reducing them? Your husband needs time to settle in the home and it's often a good idea to cut down on visits to give time to get used to the routines in the home. Having a mobile phone might not be helping either. He is safe and being cared for and the staff will let you know if there are any problems so maybe try saying something like the phone has a fault and needs to go away for repairs? It's worth trying as you can't go on as you are, with both of you getting upset. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some more suggestions to help.
Thank you Louise. I am trying to cut down on my visits but taking his phone away is unthinkable at the moment.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @TriciaBee
it sounds as though your husband can still tune into the sound of your voice but visually he may be looking for a much younger version of you, so as the older woman he sees when you visit isn't his young wife of decades ago, you can't be his wife .. he may even be back before you married so having someone behave intimately with him may be a surprise
I wonder how you approach him when you visit .. to give my dad time to orientate himself, each visit, before he saw me, I called out to him cheerily 'Hi dad, it's Shedrech, I thought I might find you here ( or some positive greeting) ...' - he therefore had a chance to hear my voice, recognise it, hear that I was his child and what my name is all before he saw me ... I went in quite slowly so as not to overwhelm him, let him greet me (usually with his latest grumble) and picked up on his mood, so was jolly if he was smiling, quiet if he seemed anxious etc .. I was also ready, if he was just not open to a visit, to back off with some excuse eg 'Sorry, forgot your coffee, I'll just go and make one' and either let him be or tried again with a coffee in hand, ready to sit and chat or simply offer the coffee and retreat
I do agree about the phone calls ... I appreciate the calls are a way for the 2 of you to communicate ... umpteen calls, though, sounds more as though your husband is turning immediately to you rather than the staff who might otherwise be able to settle him and give whatever support he needs at that moment ... and it doesn't give you a break .. might you instead agree on a call at a certain time you get to speak together and create a routine
same with visits, would it be possible to visit maybe every other day at a regular time, eg an hour before a meal, so you have a chance to leave him with a definite distraction
 

Ernest

Registered User
Jan 23, 2018
141
0
Hi TriciaBee. My OH has been in a CH for a year now and I think I have found a sort of routine which works for us. It has taken all this time though so I think you need to give yourself more time to find a routine for phone calls and visits. I visit every other day which seems to be working so far. I take each day at a time. It's trial and error and a lot of patience !! Keep going. Xx
 

TriciaBee

Registered User
Jul 27, 2018
34
0
Hi TriciaBee. My OH has been in a CH for a year now and I think I have found a sort of routine which works for us. It has taken all this time though so I think you need to give yourself more time to find a routine for phone calls and visits. I visit every other day which seems to be working so far. I take each day at a time. It's trial and error and a lot of patience !! Keep going. Xx
Thank you for that Ernest. Yes I think you are right. I have no routine at the moment. Perhaps I should write things down for him so that he knows when I am coming and when he should ring me. I’ll let you know how I get on with that.
 

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