Mum won’t let go - nursing home

[Imstressedout]

After mum looking after dad (not really very well), he’s now in a nursing home. It’s where he needs to be as at 82, her trying to physically transfer my dad from bed to chair is a nightmare, especially as he’s about 17 stone and she’s 4”11. In addition mum doesn’t think to cut up his food and feeds him rubbish (boiling hot cup a soup in a china cup (no lid) and a donut for lunch).

As he tries to get out of bed to use the commode he falls and is admitted to hospital for tests (7 times in a year). Always negative. He stays for weeks for observations and because his care package at home is so complex.

Finally he’s in a nursing home around the corner and all was great. However mum is now desperate to get him home to look after as they “aren’t doing it right”. Social services are saying it’s now a safeguarding issue and he will have to stay in a home. However there isn’t a permanent place there, so they’re trying to find one. Meanwhile he now hates it there and is shouting about leaving. Another resident entered his room and threw a Zimmer frame around and an elderly lady won’t leave him alone.

In short it’s one big mess and we’re all miserable. I live away so can only get there every other week as I have kids. Mum rings me distressed that they’re “taking her husband away” . Myself and my brothers don’t know what to do. Nobody does. I just need to vent.

 

[Jintyf]

What a worrying time this must be for you - especially since you live away.
I reached a bit of a meltdown last year having looked after Mum for 6 years on my own (she was in her own house and I live just 10 miles away so saw her every day and we had a care package in place). When it was coming to the end of the road in terms of Mum being able to stay safely at home I felt so overwhemed by the decision and so helpless. Luckily there is a carer support organsation near me and they really helped me with the emotional side. It's still really hard but there's someone there for me if I need to talk. And they came to see me as well. Do you have any carer support groups in your area for your Mums and yourself? Sending a hug. x

 

[Helly68]

I would try and arrange a meeting with social services. It sounds as though, sadly, a care home is the best option for him. Hopefully you and your Mum can see where social services have in mind.
It may be, that as well as you, your mother might benefit from a bit of carers support - I think you can have a carers assessment via her Local Authority.
Sometimes you have to accept, and it is very hard, that there is no "good" option, only the "least worst" usually based around safety and practicality. You have my sympathies as this sort of thing is a nightmare to go through.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Imstressedout.

You are caught in what sounds like an impossible situation and my heart goes out to you.

I can understand your mum saying she would like your dad back home. It`s easy to say this when she`s had a break from caring for your dad. However upset she is about his time in the home, she will be physically rested even if emotionally stressed.

I don`t really know what you can do to better the situation. It might be a case of holding tight until another home can be found or until a bed becomes available where your dad is.

Try to reassure your mum no one is taking her husband away. He`s very ill and needs more help than any one person can give him. Once he is settled she can look forward to visits and hopefully happier times.

 

[jaymor]

It is very difficult to let go, I’ve been there myself.

My husband was admitted to an assessment unit and after a couple of weeks we attended a meeting with all those involved with his care. The first words said to me were “ you do know Jay that K can’t come home”. I was shell shocked, I thought observation and tweaking of medication would see him back home with me.

When the meeting was over and we were having a coffee before going to see my husband both of our children said they knew their Dad was now beyond what one person could manage. They had been gently telling me this but I was not listening. I do hope your Mum will see that things are now way passed her ability to care and going into a care facility can be a positive for both her, your Dad and family.

 

[Imstressedout]

Thank you so much for your kind comments everyone and for sharing your own stories.

Dad had a care package in place with 2 visits per day, plus 2 x respite sessions per week. They have agreed to up his visits to 4 times per day but won’t stretch to overnights which is where the problem area is and why social services say he now has to be in a nursing home as he needs to be moved 24/7 to prevent bed sores; something mum isn’t capable of (even though she won’t admit it!!).

We have a meeting arranged with mum and social services on Monday and she’s in no mood to compromise. “I’m having my husband home” is her mantra and no amount of cajoling is cutting it. The social worker wants to see dad alone to ask him how he’s feeling before the meet so I have to keep mum out of the way. I suspect she is worried about mum having influenced dad so he will want to come home - something that’s also bothered me. In fact I worry that mum too is joining the dementia journey as she just is not rational and forgets thought processes very quickly.

I’m already feeling sick about the meeting so I don’t suppose l’ll get much sleep tomorrow night!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Thank you so much for your kind comments everyone and for sharing your own stories.

Dad had a care package in place with 2 visits per day, plus 2 x respite sessions per week. They have agreed to up his visits to 4 times per day but won’t stretch to overnights which is where the problem area is and why social services say he now has to be in a nursing home as he needs to be moved 24/7 to prevent bed sores; something mum isn’t capable of (even though she won’t admit it!!).

We have a meeting arranged with mum and social services on Monday and she’s in no mood to compromise. “I’m having my husband home” is her mantra and no amount of cajoling is cutting it. The social worker wants to see dad alone to ask him how he’s feeling before the meet so I have to keep mum out of the way. I suspect she is worried about mum having influenced dad so he will want to come home - something that’s also bothered me. In fact I worry that mum too is joining the dementia journey as she just is not rational and forgets thought processes very quickly.

I’m already feeling sick about the meeting so I don’t suppose l’ll get much sleep tomorrow night!

I must admit I have wondered about your mother's cognitive state too. I wonder if, without your father there with her at home, she feels frightened or more confused by herself? Perhaps in some way, looking after him covered up some of her own difficulties?

Obviously it could just be the stress of the situation but you've said your dad is well-cared for and needs 24 hour help so it's hard to understand your mum's opposition.

 

[Imstressedout]

Thank you again all. It really helps to read other peoples’ stories.

Mum has now accepted he isn’t coming back which is a huge relief for us. She isn’t ready to send his bed and equipment back - even though she has complained about it cluttering up the place!!