Support and advice

[Misscherrypievintage]

I have difficulty in feeling compassion for my mum who has dementia
My sister and I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a man she lived with.
Throughout our lives she has always looked after her own needs before ours.
My sister ‘appears to find it easy to be kind and caring but over the years I have suffered from ‘compassion fatigue ‘ and I feel overwhelmed
I can’t be jolly and upbeat I’m exhausted
I feel as though I’ve had it knocked out of me through my mother’s disregard for my needs.
I’m the person who is now expected to care for her on a day to day basis
Can anyone give me help with regards coping strategies
Thanks very much for your time

 

[canary]

Hello @Misscherrypievintage and welcome to Talking Point.

No-one has to care for another person and I can quite understand why you dont want to.
Contact Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mum and make it quite plain that you are unable to care for her. If you live in the same home it may be harder to do this and you might want to move out.

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to Talking Point, Misscherrypievintage. Coping with dementia and everything that goes with it is hard enough without your circumstances and background. Canary just beat me to it with her advice to contact social services and ask for a care needs assessment. If you can't care for your mother she may well need outside agency carers to look after her and they have a duty of care towards her if no-one is able to do so.

 

[Misscherrypievintage]

Hello @Misscherrypievintage and welcome to Talking Point.

No-one has to care for another person and I can quite understand why you dont want to.
Contact Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mum and make it quite plain that you are unable to care for her. If you live in the same home it may be harder to do this and you might want to move out.

Thank you for that

I have difficulty in feeling compassion for my mum who has dementia
My sister and I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a man she lived with.
Throughout our lives she has always looked after her own needs before ours.
My sister ‘appears to find it easy to be kind and caring but over the years I have suffered from ‘compassion fatigue ‘ and I feel overwhelmed
I can’t be jolly and upbeat I’m exhausted
I feel as though I’ve had it knocked out of me through my mother’s disregard for my needs.
I’m the person who is now expected to care for her on a day to day basis
Can anyone give me help with regards coping strategies
Thanks very much for your time

Hello @Misscherrypievintage and welcome to Talking Point.

No-one has to care for another person and I can quite understand why you dont want to.
Contact Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mum and make it quite plain that you are unable to care for her. If you live in the same home it may be harder to do this and you might want to move out.

Many thanks for your help
I feel very flat and unemotional because I have been hurt
It’s hard to find energy

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @Misscherrypievintage and a warm welcome from me also
I think the time has come for you to get the help you need and deserve I hope you will heed the other posters advice and get SS involved.
I hope now you have found us you will continue to post on the forum.

 

[Champers]

I have difficulty in feeling compassion for my mum who has dementia
My sister and I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a man she lived with.
Throughout our lives she has always looked after her own needs before ours.
My sister ‘appears to find it easy to be kind and caring but over the years I have suffered from ‘compassion fatigue ‘ and I feel overwhelmed
I can’t be jolly and upbeat I’m exhausted
I feel as though I’ve had it knocked out of me through my mother’s disregard for my needs.
I’m the person who is now expected to care for her on a day to day basis
Can anyone give me help with regards coping strategies
Thanks very much for your time

You’re not alone, I promise. It took me until I was nearly 50 to realise that my mother was clearly suffering from NPD. She was a dreadful parent who was only interested in her own needs. The only time I was really of any benefit to her was whenever I had any success, because in her mind, it reflected on how clever she had been. She always had a sense of entitlement, believed she was far superior to everyone around her, was hyper critical of me, told some terrible lies and fabricated stories to either justify her bad behaviour or to put herself in the best possible light and demanded constant admiration and affirmations of her intelligence, looks etc.

I am an only child, but luckily have a wonderfully supportive husband, son and daughter who know exactly what she is about. As a result of Alzheimer’s (which ironically, she was the most fearful and judgemental of) she has become a pathetic victim rather than the formidable gorgon she used to be. I don’t love her at all - if I’m honest, I don’t even like her - but as a fellow human being, I feel I should do my duty. She has always been irrational, which the dementia has exaggerated, and there are times when I just want to tell her outright what a horrible parent she was, but what’s the point? She always lived in her fantasy bubble which has become so ingrained in her psyche that I assume she now believes as fact and nothing will change that.

This is going to sound awful, and I wouldn’t want to wish dementia on anyone, but for anyone to lose a loving, caring parent/partner to this terrible disease must be far worse. My mother hasn’t undergone a personality change like most others, she’s just become a more extreme version of herself - which I’ve had to put up with for years. I do what I can and have put in as much as possible in place but have tried to give up beating myself up when things don’t work or aren’t going to plan. She has always been contrary and deliberately sabotaged my efforts over the years so I’m starting to become a pro at dealing with PWD!

 

[Rosettastone57]

You’re not alone, I promise. It took me until I was nearly 50 to realise that my mother was clearly suffering from NPD. She was a dreadful parent who was only interested in her own needs. The only time I was really of any benefit to her was whenever I had any success, because in her mind, it reflected on how clever she had been. She always had a sense of entitlement, believed she was far superior to everyone around her, was hyper critical of me, told some terrible lies and fabricated stories to either justify her bad behaviour or to put herself in the best possible light and demanded constant admiration and affirmations of her intelligence, looks etc.

I am an only child, but luckily have a wonderfully supportive husband, son and daughter who know exactly what she is about. As a result of Alzheimer’s (which ironically, she was the most fearful and judgemental of) she has become a pathetic victim rather than the formidable gorgon she used to be. I don’t love her at all - if I’m honest, I don’t even like her - but as a fellow human being, I feel I should do my duty. She has always been irrational, which the dementia has exaggerated, and there are times when I just want to tell her outright what a horrible parent she was, but what’s the point? She always lived in her fantasy bubble which has become so ingrained in her psyche that I assume she now believes as fact and nothing will change that.

This is going to sound awful, and I wouldn’t want to wish dementia on anyone, but for anyone to lose a loving, caring parent/partner to this terrible disease must be far worse. My mother hasn’t undergone a personality change like most others, she’s just become a more extreme version of herself - which I’ve had to put up with for years. I do what I can and have put in as much as possible in place but have tried to give up beating myself up when things don’t work or aren’t going to plan. She has always been contrary and deliberately sabotaged my efforts over the years so I’m starting to become a pro at dealing with PWD!

I can totally empathize with all of the above. My mother-in-law was the same, emotionally abusive to my husband and his sister all their lives. The dementia just made her behaviour worse. Family members dealt with her out of a sense of duty. There was no funeral, as no one even wanted to attend.

 

[Linbrusco]

@Misscherrypievintage
although I dont know all your circumstances I’m thinking that coping strategies may not be quite enough. Carers Assesments of your mothers, and you & your sisters needs are a must.
But know you are not alone in caring for a parent, that has done you wrong.

I cared for my Mum with Alzheimers for 3 yrs before she went into care. She is now in end stage, but Mum I love.
My Dad I do not. Nor do I like him as a person. He has mixed dementia.
He was not there for us as kids, we were brought up by our Mum, he just doled out the discipline.
Another one with narcissistic traits.
He made my Mums life hell and was verbally abusive and critical of her right up until she went into care.
Dad lives behind me. I only do the bare basics for him, but Ive had an assesment done and have been allocated 28 days Respite.
He’s another one with not so much a change in personality, but his worst traits x 10
I don’t & can’t follow compassionate communication one bit with Dad, and I can only put it down to the lack of relationship & respect I have for him.
Not that Im totally uncompassionate or caring, theres just a different dynamic to my Mum.

I hope you find some help & guidance. x

 

[Champers]

I can totally empathize with all of the above. My mother-in-law was the same, emotionally abusive to my husband and his sister all their lives. The dementia just made her behaviour worse. Family members dealt with her out of a sense of duty. There was no funeral, as no one even wanted to attend.

Goodness RosettaStone, whenever I read your posts and compare notes, we could be talking about exactly the same woman! Over the years, all mother’s ‘friends’ have melted away - probably because most of them started to see through her. Sadly, her one remaining and loyal companion developed mild dementia three or four years ago and mother dropped her like a hot potato. “I don't want to be accused by her of taking her money because she’s got a bit strange.” Not that that EVER happened and, “Of course, she’s not quite right in the head, you know.”

Such tough comments when her friend could have really used her support at that time.