Good news bad news

[Reluctantcarer]

so the good news is I managed to get away & with mum staying with my sister. The bad news is that two days before going she went into a real decline & my sister who works full time has had to take on far more than either of us anticipated. Mums decline has been so rapid. Not eating so low energy so sleeping all the time. Not getting up. Not washing & suddenly becoming incontinent. For a few days I didn’t know how bad it had got - no phone signal but then used WhatsApp to message my sister. Since then I’ve had bad dreams every night - guilt for going away & guilt for my sister having to deal with such a decline. Due to pick mum up on Saturday- she has doctors appointment on Monday but unsure she will be up for the journey.
Mum is 90 & suddenly seems to have given up. It feels like she almost wants to die but is frightened. She has no interest in life. I feel so helpless.
Going away was such a bad idea. But my husband deserves a break. Mum lives with us so he feels the strain as well.
Is this the start of the end?

 

[father ted]

If not now- when?

You needed a break and some time spent with your husband to give you both a chance to recharge and connect. You are lucky to have a sister so actively involved. Your Mum's sudden decline could be down to an infection that can be quickly treated or it may just be part of the progress of this disorder.
It was not a bad idea to go away-it is just coincidental. Please be kinder to yourself.

 

[nae sporran]

Sorry your break was not as relaxing as hoped @Reluctantcarer, but you should never let guilt stop you if you need a break to help you care better. Can you explain the situation to your mum's surgery and ask them to send a nurse or a doctor to the house, if only to check for an infection.

 

[Reluctantcarer]

If not now- when?

You needed a break and some time spent with your husband to give you both a chance to recharge and connect. You are lucky to have a sister so actively involved. Your Mum's sudden decline could be down to an infection that can be quickly treated or it may just be part of the progress of this disorder.
It was not a bad idea to go away-it is just coincidental. Please be kinder to yourself.

Thanks fathered. One part of me realises it is an awful coincidence. The other feels as if it’s a punishment. I’m lucky my sister has given us this respite but it does come at a price. Having mum for 2 weeks makes her an expert & I yo-yo between gratitude for the break & resentment that her brief time means she can now tell me what I should be doing.

 

[Reluctantcarer]

Sorry your break was not as relaxing as hoped @Reluctantcarer, but you should never let guilt stop you if you need a break to help you care better. Can you explain the situation to your mum's surgery and ask them to send a nurse or a doctor to the house, if only to check for an infection.

Thanks nae sporrran. Our surgery are really unhelpful. I’ve had so many mistakes with mums prescriptions & getting an appointment is a nightmare. My sister- who lives in Cardiff- was able to get a house call & it doesn’t seem as if there’s an infection. Here in London that level of care is unbelievable.
I shall try to hold onto the sounds of the sea & memories of the new born cygnets to bring me calm when needed.

 

[father ted]

Oh dear, yes I know exactly what you mean about coming at a price but.... a price worth paying I'm sure just bite your lip and say nothing! We are only on this earth a short time so when you do get the chance to take a break don't feel guilty. It is a sensible thing to do in order to keep your sanity and live your life too beyond caring.