Alzheimer's wrecked my sex life

[Per]

It was some time before 7.7.05 that I last had any sex with my lovely wife. We always had a very satisfying but intermittent pattern over the years. I am still gently trying to persuade her but I will not upset her or make her agitated just to satisfy my own urges. Does anyone else feel like this? I am 66 and 'full of beans' Per

 

[jackie1]

YES!!

It will be three year in January. My husband always had a much lower sex drive then me but now he has none at all. He doesn't seem to want any physical contact. At 46 I feel..... sorry I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

Jackie

 

[lesmisralbles]

I am appologising big time before I start

Get over it.
Sex, is not all it claims to be.
I understand, I do.
But if that is what life is all about, count me out.
Sorry, just my take on this.

To me, it is love. Unconditional LOVE.

I appologise.
But had to say it.
Barb

 

[Per]

Alz wrecks sex

Barb,
Obviously your situation is different to mine and Jackie's. I hope you are not telling me to shut up and get on with it!! I do a good job. Looking at your photo, I think my wife is as happy as your husband. She once said to me 'When I go you can enjoy yourself' I don't want her to go - she is a very fine lady. I just wish that now and again things could happen between us. We have a nice life despite the Alz's. I am beginning to accept it. We laugh a lot. I can assure you I am not selfish.
No apologies needed!
Per

 

[Skye]

To me, it is love. Unconditional LOVE.

Don't apologise Barb, I think you're right -- to a point!

Yes, the loss of a sex life was -- is -- painful, but far worse is the loss of empathy.

Though I can kiss and cuddle John, I'd give anything for a cuddle in return. For a long time he has been unable to understand when I have been upset, so I have had to hide it from him.

Yes, it's love, unconditional love -- but that love becomes a one-way street, and that really is painful.

 

[jackie1]

I'm sorry to disagree with you Barb, but as much as I love my husband I DO really miss that side of our life and it make me VERY sad.

It isn't about sex it is about making love, that closeness, that connection, the depth of emotion that it gives. Just to have a cuddle returned or his hand close round mine when I hold his would be lovely.

I am alone and lost and my heart is broken.

Jackie

 

[Skye]

It isn't about sex it is about making love, that closeness, that connection, the depth of emotion that it gives. Just to have a cuddle returned or his hand close round mine when I hold his would be lovely.

Spot on, Jackie!

It's hard at any age, but at yours it must be devastating.

Love,

 

[Brucie]

Hi Per

Firstly, I don't think for a minute Barb meant you to shut up when she said

Get over it.
Sex, is not all it claims to be.
I understand, I do.
But if that is what life is all about, count me out.
Sorry, just my take on this.

To me, it is love. Unconditional LOVE.

I appologise.
But had to say it.

I'd be agreeing with every word in principle, though I might have phrased it differently

If you love someone that much, and they have dementia, then you have to put personal needs between you aside; anything else is not only cruel, but it defies all that love is about. At least in my book.

No, it is not easy. Possibly one of the most difficult things.

For the moment, try to concentrate on the things you can do together.

Horrible, horrible situation. I've been there.

"Get over it" in my book means, there is much more you can enjoy with her and take advantage of that while you can. Squeeze every drop of pleasure from being together.

 

[lesmisralbles]

There you are, the word I was looking for, Empathy.

but far worse is the loss of empathy.


I can have all the emotions in the world, does no good.
Ron, now does not know this, his feelings, emotional, are gone. He knows he loves me, but he does not know why.
I could not have sex with Ron for this reason.
It would not be Ron.
We can hold hands, we cuddle His smile can light up the room.
That to me is enough.
Had the good times, and now, having good times

Barb XX

 

[Brucie]

Had the good times, and now, having good times

Rock on, Barb

 

[Brucie]

It isn't about sex it is about making love, that closeness, that connection, the depth of emotion that it gives. Just to have a cuddle returned or his hand close round mine when I hold his would be lovely.

I am alone and lost and my heart is broken.

I reckon we would all subscribe to that.

We all have to find a way to handle it.

Beyond a certain point, there is no apparent contact [though I won't ever let myself believe that], and just holding a hand that returns nothing is still good enough.

In dementia we plumb depths we couldn't previously even envisage.

 

[Norman]

A solid,deep caring relationship,a true love, should survive through anything.
When the loved one is no longer there,as you knew them, sex will not be possible.
Then we have to settle for a cuddle or even holding hands,when the loved one returns for those few moments.
I know I have been there.
Now I have no Peg to cuddle, I have to settle for my virtual hugs from my lady friends on TP.
Norman

 

[Skye]

Norman, this is for you!

Love,

 

[Per]

Alz 'n desperate!!!

There was I looking for support and all I got was waffle from a bunch of oh so perfect carers (I've never met one) but I know plenty of the realistic type THAT I CAN'T ASK THAT QUESTION TO PERSONALLY! I think I'll go on the Alzheimer's site in the U.S.A. They usually have a down to earth attitude with plenty to say.
Best wishes, whatever you think
Per

 

[Grannie G]

What I think Per is I would rather lose my sex life than lose my mind.

 

[beech mount]

"Per"

About three years ago is the last time i had sex,then i realised
that i was in bed with a different person,still as loving but
with no knowledge or interest in "sex".Had i tried it would have
felt that i was abusing my trust and her dependence on me.
Per,I work so hard all day that all i can do is sleep at night!
What sort if an answer were you looking for Per?.
Best wishes to all.

 

[Brucie]

What sort if an answer were you looking for Per?

well that saved me putting the same question in twenty paragraphs of three posts I had to delete before sending.

What you have received, Per, is responses from people who are in a similar boat to you.

As with all things on the forum, you ask, we give you the courtesy of a reply. If you don't agree with what is said, or it doesn't map to your particular circumstances, then just ignore it.

But preferably don't get into a paddy because you didn't get the particular answer you wanted?

 

[Skye]

all I got was waffle from a bunch of oh so perfect carers (I've never met one)

Per, I don't think any of us would claim to be perfect carers -- certainly I wouldn't.

Those of us caring for spouses acknowledge that the lack of sex in our relationships is a problem. We just don't think it's the biggest problem. We are dealing with loss of empathy, incontinence, loss of mobility, aggression, loss of converstion -- and the loss of sex becomes a minor consideration.

Like beech mount, I'm not sure what you wanted from us.

Realism? Well, I can do realism! There are ways to relieve your urges, as I'm sure you know. Perhaps you would like to have an affair? You don't need our permission for that. Perhaps you were hoping for a 'partner'? Sorry, it's not that kind of forum. All our friendships are virtual.

I hope you can find what you want elsewhere -- when you decide what that is!

 

[CYN]

Well said Hazel . You phrase very well.

Cynthia x x

 

[lesmisralbles]

Dear Hazel

You do have a way with word's.
BarbXX & Ron ZZZ