Ever feel like running away from it all....

[Nikkia27]

It’s a terrible and selfish thought I know. Mums in a care home with Alzheimer’s now, Dads health is poorly so I’m going between the two for visits, do paperwork and spend time with them. Plus meeting the expectation of my full time job, mum to two kids and wife of someone with arthritis and low mood.

I just feel pulled in every direction and not good enough for anyone. Like I’m at the bottom of the food chain. My husband and I are barely intimate anymore either so I feel less attractive than ever. I’m only in my early forties yet feel 90. Just overwhelmed, tired and speaking honestly, like running away from everything. I walked to the post box earlier and the thought crossed my mind to just not go home. I don’t think I could do it as I love my family dearly but I just feel like I’m drifting away.

Am I alone in feeling this awful way? I’m so sad and alone with my thoughts and feelings I feel like I like break. I used to talk to my mum and I don’t even have her anymore. I have friends and go out regularly, but underneath I’m so unhappy. I can’t stop crying writing this now. Should I post it or delete it? I just don’t know anymore.....

 

[buttercups]

Aww Nikkia, this caring business is so hard. Life is hard enough looking after a family and working at the same time without having infirm parents to care for too.
The most important thing, I feel in your life right now is building strong bridges with your husband. Try to involve him in explain it wont be forever but his support is so important
You have to make some time for the two of you to do things together.
I've had my mother living with myself and husband, (kids grown up) for the past 12 months. It's been the hardest 12 months of my life. Mum has been very difficult (full of agression and anxiety - she in hospital atm trying to get meds sorted). Without my husband, (who can be soo moody) I could never manage. He is my lifeline but I've had to really make an effort with him so were both singing from the same page.
So my advise would be, if possible get your hubby on side.
Gud luck it is so hard. Big hugs x

 

[Nikkia27]

Th

Aww Nikkia, this caring business is so hard. Life is hard enough looking after a family and working at the same time without having infirm parents to care for too.
The most important thing, I feel in your life right now is building strong bridges with your husband. Try to involve him in explain it wont be forever but his support is so important
You have to make some time for the two of you to do things together.
I've had my mother living with myself and husband, (kids grown up) for the past 12 months. It's been the hardest 12 months of my life. Mum has been very difficult (full of agression and anxiety - she in hospital atm trying to get meds sorted). Without my husband, (who can be soo moody) I could never manage. He is my lifeline but I've had to really make an effort with him so were both singing from the same page.
So my advise would be, if possible get your hubby on side.
Gud luck it is so hard. Big hugs x

Thanks for the reply. Husband is lovely and very supportive with my folks and the kids etc. I just feel very alone in myself. Thinking of you with your mum, it’s the toughest process and a real test of spirit. Xx

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear Nikkia,

You're not alone. My situation isn't quite like yours but here goes. Dad went into a home last July and when he went in I did grieve a bit and I still miss him now. I, like you, have friends to socialise with but it is not quite like parents. My mum passed away eleven years ago and dad has forgotten this and so he asks after her. I was caring for dad on my own and I have two invisibles I have started to re-build my career after dad went into the home but it was difficult financially at first.

You are in effect a long-distance carer with a family and now your dad is poorly. Do you have carers? Can you get the family to help with chores and make them into something that you do together as a family? I am living in dad's house and so there is a chance that I will have to fight to stay here.

My thoughts are with you. You are doing everything for your family and you are a wonderful much loved daughter and mother.

Hugs to you

MaNaAk

 

[Louise83]

You're not alone, not as many responsibilities as you but can relate to the being pulled in every direction, between caring for my mum and work (self employment and not as easy as some of my friends seem to think!).
Even when I get invites from friends, after the initial excitement it feels like yet another thing I feel obliged to do sometimes.

I've came to bed early tonight just to sit in peace and quiet, take some time out for yourself just to try empty your mind and think of nothing important, and as said speak to your husband about how you feel.

 

[nae sporran]

Sorry you are feeling so bad about taking on so much, Nikkia. You are certainly not alone in feeling that way, the thought has crossed my mind a few times recently and you have more on your plate.
Is there family who can help with your dad? Your mum is in a safe place, at least. Sorry, not sure if there is any practical help, though sometimes speaking to a counsellor or CBT therapist has helped my low mood. How long term is your dad's illness and does he need care at home from social services.

 

[Nikkia27]

Dear Nikkia,

You're not alone. My situation isn't quite like yours but here goes. Dad went into a home last July and when he went in I did grieve a bit and I still miss him now. I, like you, have friends to socialise with but it is not quite like parents. My mum passed away eleven years ago and dad has forgotten this and so he asks after her. I was caring for dad on my own and I have two invisibles I have started to re-build my career after dad went into the home but it was difficult financially at first.

You are in effect a long-distance carer with a family and now your dad is poorly. Do you have carers? Can you get the family to help with chores and make them into something that you do together as a family? I am living in dad's house and so there is a chance that I will have to fight to stay here.

My thoughts are with you. You are doing everything for your family and you are a wonderful much loved daughter and mother.

Hugs to you

MaNaAk

Thanks for your kind reply and good luck with your challenges too. There is nothing like a parent and I miss my Mums chats a lot. I can’t burden her with worries so I miss that.

 

[Nikkia27]

Sorry you are feeling so bad about taking on so much, Nikkia. You are certainly not alone in feeling that way, the thought has crossed my mind a few times recently and you have more on your plate.
Is there family who can help with your dad? Your mum is in a safe place, at least. Sorry, not sure if there is any practical help, though sometimes speaking to a counsellor or CBT therapist has helped my low mood. How long term is your dad's illness and does he need care at home from social services.

Thanks for your reply and I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. I went to a funeral of a good friend yesterday and he was only 48. I think it was the last straw and I just fell apart. Feeling a bit better today. I do have an appointment with a counselling service coming up so that’s something. My Dad has end stage COPD so he probably has a year to go - perhaps more but it depends on chest infections etc. One day at a time eh?

 

[Nikkia27]

You're not alone, not as many responsibilities as you but can relate to the being pulled in every direction, between caring for my mum and work (self employment and not as easy as some of my friends seem to think!).
Even when I get invites from friends, after the initial excitement it feels like yet another thing I feel obliged to do sometimes.

I've came to bed early tonight just to sit in peace and quiet, take some time out for yourself just to try empty your mind and think of nothing important, and as said speak to your husband about how you feel.

Thanks Louise. I too am self employed so yes, I agree its not easy, but I guess at least we have a little more flexibility which is a huge help. Yes, nights out can feel like that, but i force myself to go and I’m usually pleased I made it out.

I hope you managed to have some ‘you’ time - it;s a good idea and one I’m determined to master. I got up really early this am and went run a run and it was so beautiful and still out. Really lovely.

 

[AliceA]

Whether it is the situation or not it sounds as if you need a break but also a good checkup. It might be worth while getting it sorted then the counselling can take over. Life is tough, especially when one cares, just remember to care for yourself too. It must have been a shock to lose a friend at such an age, this has an affect too. A hug, Alice x

 

[Jale]

No you are not alone, do you have access to Admiral Nurses? They deal with the carers not the PWD, and the lady that visited me was brilliant (I was very sceptical, especially talking to a stranger which I wouldn't ordinarily do).
Have you told your husband how you feel?, I also feel that you should talk to your GP and tell them how you feel. Caring/running around after others no matter how much you love them is so tiring, both mentally and physically, you need to look after yourself (I know from experience)

Sending hugs

 

[lis66]

Hi Nikkia27,sending (hugs) to you,you could be writing my story . I'm an only child and care for two parents,mum has ad for six years and dad is recovering from uriosepsis,mum still lives with dad,but I'm there ever day.I have had councilling,and am back at it again ,I feel exactly like you ,my husband is a great support to me but like you I feel like ninety I'm only 52, I'm not out much and seem to feel down and anxious a lot xx

 

[Linbrusco]

@Nikkia27

Yes the pulled apart in every direction I can identify with.
I work 4 days, and have a 16 & 21yo.

If trying to get through a brain tumour diagnosis, surgery, radiation, chemo, with my husband 15 yrs ago wasnt bad enough,
6 yrs ago someone thought it would be a great idea to add my Mum with Alzheimers, my daughter with an auto immune thyroid condtion , and to top it off my Dad was diagnosed with Mixed Dementia last year.

Although my husband is in remission still ( rheumatoid arthritis also) he hasnt worked for 13 yrs.
My Mum is in end stage Alzheimers and has been in care 3 yrs, and we are finally heading in the right direction with my daughters health.
My Dad gives me a run for my money at times, but thankfully at this stage his short term memory is not too bad to live on his own, but he is right door next to me.

Sometimes, I dont know how I juggle the lot. Definitely have days where I could just stay in bed, but at times going to work is my respite
Have had counselling over the years, and I have good colleagues at work who put up with my grumbles and a good friend to moan to.
Talking Point has definitely helped me for the past 6 yrs too.
Get as much support as you can for your Dad and dont feel guilty about it.
Be kind to yourself see your GP if you feel that could be a step in your overall wellbeing too.
Try to regularly schedule some me time and family time.... even if its out for a coffee, meal, or movies.
We are all here to listen x