Grumpy OH

Beads

Registered User
Jul 19, 2017
544
0
Hi everyone, it’s been quite a while since I posted on here and in fact I haven’t been on the forum much.
Quite difficult to post this now as I have such mixed emotions of sadness and guilt etc but my OH died about 2 months ago having had a severe heart attack. Although we knew he had heart problems this was a shock - he’d been walking better and had stopped using his rollator some of the time. However, on reflection he had been getting more confused and agitated. At least the day before he died we’d been out to our local town and had a nice afternoon, taking advantage of a new bus service which had just started enabling us to go out more.
Although I’d got frustrated, tired and all the feelings we all have dealing with dementia, now he’s gone I really miss him. And feel guilty when I think of the times I felt short tempered.
Well my consolation is, that he loved his home and we did manage to care for him here. At least he was spared the final stages of AD which would have been devastating for him.
My best wishes to you all. Xxxxx
Hi @longlostfan i am really sorry to hear of your husband passing away. You should not feel guilty about a thing all that you describe is what most of us carers feel on a daily basis looking after a PWD. We are only human & eventually it gets to us both mentally & physically.
I know your emotions will be all over the place however as you have said at least he was spared the final stages of this horrible disease.
You had him at home & looked after him ,now is the time to be kind to yourself .
Take care @longlostfan & keep in touch.
Sending (((hugs))) your way .
Axx
 

Beads

Registered User
Jul 19, 2017
544
0
Hi @Beads ,
I can't even go to the supermarket without him going with me.
Thank goodness it is spring and he will be spending some time pottering in the garden.
I am so exasperated.
One day I will go away on my own and never go back...
I know the feeling oh so well. .Axx
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
115
0
Hi @Beads
Such a good idea to resume this thread!
OH is worsening, above all re memory and reasoning, while his physical health is not bad on the whole.

He is stubborn and arrogant, two features of his personality which are not new, but dementia had made them worse.
I am literally under house arrest. Not only is any kind of holiday on my own impossible, but even going to the supermarket is difficult, because he clings and wants to go with me.
I am exasperated. The two of us , only.
No conversation. He doesn't understand what I mean nine out of ten times.
I stick to the advice I have often read here, so I never argue (well...when I do not lose it..), never explain, never contradict ( even though he thinks I am contradicting him also when I am not).
I have added " never speak ". It would be only , as we say in Italian," wasted breath".
I know so many people here are struggling to manage situations by far worse than mine, and I feel a bit guilty about my long rant.

Hi, this sounds like my mum's life. Dad's dementia has also made his arrogance and superior attitude far far worse. There's no light heartiness anymore. My mum doesn't drive and so she is cooped up in the house all day every day on the same loop. If she tries to watch something like Britains Got Talent - all my dad does is tell her how much he HATES everyone one it - his face contorts and he becomes full of hate. I think it's the night time when my dad becomes really quite nasty. Anything she does tries to watch causes the worst of my dad to come out. She's exhausted and if she dares to close her eyes for 40 winks, he's screaming her name telling her to wake up. And he just won't go to bed. It's 1 am every night and then he's up at 7 am. He doesn't nap in the day - I don't know why he's not tired.

Like you, I read of so many more far worse scenarios which people have to deal with, but seeing my mum so depressed and in such a low mood everyday is tough to see. I am still managing to visit everyday to try and give her another conversation, but to be honest, when I speak I can see she's not really listening, she's preoccupied and looks worn out. She repeats the same story to me over and over, but I don't fear it's dementia, I think it's just her situation. Her life is so insular.

I have tried to take my mum out for an hour or 2, and get one of the kids to sit with granddad, but there is NO WAY he will let her go anywhere without him. So I take them both - at least she's getting out of the house - but the stress of how he's going to react to being in public places is hard on everyone. Even using a wheelchair to help mum (she has mobility issues just now), causes nasty comments from my dad - almost jealous that she's being pushed around and he has to manage with a walking stick. Just something so simple as sitting in the garden centre café for coffee causes me anxiety. He can complain about anything. The last time he made a fuss as the couple on the table next to us had 'smelly' food..... And he is not discreet.

We try not to disagree with him - even when he's completely in the wrong - but he seems to push push push for a reaction. It's so hard. And there are no answers.

I am taking baby steps into persuading mum to accept some daytime care - but I have to go very gently on that one.......
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,280
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi, this sounds like my mum's life. Dad's dementia has also made his arrogance and superior attitude far far worse. There's no light heartiness anymore. My mum doesn't drive and so she is cooped up in the house all day every day on the same loop. If she tries to watch something like Britains Got Talent - all my dad does is tell her how much he HATES everyone one it - his face contorts and he becomes full of hate. I think it's the night time when my dad becomes really quite nasty. Anything she does tries to watch causes the worst of my dad to come out. She's exhausted and if she dares to close her eyes for 40 winks, he's screaming her name telling her to wake up. And he just won't go to bed. It's 1 am every night and then he's up at 7 am. He doesn't nap in the day - I don't know why he's not tired.

Like you, I read of so many more far worse scenarios which people have to deal with, but seeing my mum so depressed and in such a low mood everyday is tough to see. I am still managing to visit everyday to try and give her another conversation, but to be honest, when I speak I can see she's not really listening, she's preoccupied and looks worn out. She repeats the same story to me over and over, but I don't fear it's dementia, I think it's just her situation. Her life is so insular.

I have tried to take my mum out for an hour or 2, and get one of the kids to sit with granddad, but there is NO WAY he will let her go anywhere without him. So I take them both - at least she's getting out of the house - but the stress of how he's going to react to being in public places is hard on everyone. Even using a wheelchair to help mum (she has mobility issues just now), causes nasty comments from my dad - almost jealous that she's being pushed around and he has to manage with a walking stick. Just something so simple as sitting in the garden centre café for coffee causes me anxiety. He can complain about anything. The last time he made a fuss as the couple on the table next to us had 'smelly' food..... And he is not discreet.

We try not to disagree with him - even when he's completely in the wrong - but he seems to push push push for a reaction. It's so hard. And there are no answers.

I am taking baby steps into persuading mum to accept some daytime care - but I have to go very gently on that one.......
Hi @Mumof3kids ,
Your mum 's situation is even worse than mine.
I'm so sorry for her , but she is lucky to have your love and support.
My husband doesn't want anyone to help him or stay with him , which would allow me to go away on respite every now and then. He says he doesn't need help from others, because he is too arrogant , and also too mean to pay for them, even though he could afford it.
I can't see a way out at the moment.
I can't force him to do anything, because he still has some capacity, even if his memory is bad and his reasoning faculties are poor.
I can only go on a day at a time.
Thanks for sharing your experience and a hug for your mum.
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
Hi everyone, it’s been quite a while since I posted on here and in fact I haven’t been on the forum much.
Quite difficult to post this now as I have such mixed emotions of sadness and guilt etc but my OH died about 2 months ago having had a severe heart attack. Although we knew he had heart problems this was a shock - he’d been walking better and had stopped using his rollator some of the time. However, on reflection he had been getting more confused and agitated. At least the day before he died we’d been out to our local town and had a nice afternoon, taking advantage of a new bus service which had just started enabling us to go out more.
Although I’d got frustrated, tired and all the feelings we all have dealing with dementia, now he’s gone I really miss him. And feel guilty when I think of the times I felt short tempered.
Well my consolation is, that he loved his home and we did manage to care for him here. At least he was spared the final stages of AD which would have been devastating for him.
My best wishes to you all. Xxxxx
Longlostfan
Just like to say so sorry that your journey as a carer has finished and your OH has passed away .I have followed your postings over the years and like to think we have helped each other .
Now a different life is on hand I wish you all the best ..go live your life .Xx
My hubby is still suffering and I am dealing with it all as best I can .xx
 

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