Week two of CH

[hrh]

Hello all

We are now entering into the second week of mum going into the care home, I. Know its really early days, but mum isn't settling in at all, tonight she has asked the staff the check and re check the doors and windows so no one can get in. She has said today she feels quite sad and depressed, when I asked why, she didn't know why other than that's how she feels. Mum is still asking to go home to dad. Having work in CH before, I had hoped that they had progressed over the years, mum is in a kitchen lounge with other residents who are at a latter stage than she is so there isn't much conversation happening, the TV or music not to her taste. How long is it before there is settlement that they start to feel safe and secure. This has been much harder to witness than I had ever imagined. I feel a kind of grief for her even though she is still here.

Thank you for listening.

 

[canary]

I would say that it takes about 6-8 weeks, or more, for someone to settle.

Dont worry about foibles like her asking whether they have checked the windows and doors - the staff will be used to things like that. It is also common for people to say they want to go home - there is no point in trying to explain why they cant because they dont understand. The best thing is to come up with some excuse about why they cant do it now and then distract them. With regard to her saying she feels sad and depressed - I found that mum used to mirror my moods, so if I was anxious or sad when I visited then she was too, but if I was happy and positive then she would be as well. So I found it worked much better if I stapled a bright smile on my face (even if I didnt feel it) and went in with a bright and breezy attitude. Did you work in a dementia care home or an ordinary one @hrh ? It is very different caring for people with dementia.

 

[Grannie G]

I feel a kind of grief for her even though she is still here.

Of course you do @hrh and I`m sure you`d feel almost as much grief for your mother is she was in her own home.
It`s the illness which causes the grief, the gradual loss of the relationship.
Perhaps because you`ve worked in care before you know it too well.

All you can do is think if there are any care alternatives which would be better than what your mother has now. I doubt you will find it without a magic wand.

 

[Sirena]

I agree with all Canary has said. It sounds like you are despondent about the situation but it's important to be upbeat and cheerful when you visit, much as you don't feel like that.

I also wonder how often you are going in to see her? If you visit frequently it will be a reminder of 'going home', and she will also depend on you for company rather than forming new relationships with the carers and adapting to the environment. I visited three times the first week, but after that I reduced it to once a week.

But in answer to your question, it was about two months before my mother seemed completely happy in her care home and announced "I love it here". My mother is relatively amenable but it still took a little while, it would be pretty remarkable for someone to settle within a week.

 

[hrh]

I worked in dementia CH, what I have to realise is the dementia is taking it course, I now have to accept that next stage, so difficult, it is quite bizarre having worked in the industry to then be on the opposite side, I always have a broad smile on my face and am upbeat in front of mum, it's when I get home and think did I give her the quality time of myself, its then I start to over think things. I plan to only go perhaps once or twice a week, there are plenty of family to each take a turn.

Thank you so much for all your reassurances it is helping with the process of letting go.

H xx

 

[canary]

I always have a broad smile on my face and am upbeat in front of mum

Im sorry that doesnt help. Sometimes the unhappiness is internal due to the dementia - it would be the same where ever they are and there isnt anything that you can do.
We all want out PWDs to be safe, looked after and happy. Sometimes we have to settle for 2 out of the 3

Heres hoping that it will improve with time.

 

[hrh]

Thank you canary for your kind words. It is good to be able to just talk it through.

H