Disappointing Donations

[Tender Face]

Have just received the total and breakdown of donations received for mum 'in lieu of flowers' and have to say I am so disappointed. (Having a bad day and another opportunity to beat myself and question did I make the right decision by not having her surrounded by flowers instead?) Immediately noticed one known donation is 'missing' from the list - cash handed over personally by me to the Funeral Director - try to stop thinking bad thoughts and casting aspertions and put that down to 'must be an administration error' which I can quickly sort out on Monday ...

But the list of donors is quite frankly sparse - now with mum having precious little family and not the hugest array of friends I wasn't expecting a never ending list ... but the people whose names don't appear .... some family, some friends of 40/50 years standing ..... it beggars belief that they would have not donated something (and in some cases knowing their generosity I had hoped for a considerable sum to be passed to our local dementia care team run by a National Charity) .... had we had flowers instead I know they would have arranged them. Surely?

OK if I know one donation has gone astray perhaps half a dozen more have? Or is it that dementia/elderly care just does attract 'sympathy'? Or was it the 'blurb' in the newspaper announcement which went on about gift aid forms that made it seem an onerous task? Perhaps they sent cheques directly to the charity, in which case I can't thank them and am sat here instead wondering at their loyalty to mum after all? Or do I just remain bewildered and saddened and glad mum doesn't know?

Karen, x

 

[Lynne]

Snap

I have had exactly the same experience, total sum raised for the Alzheimer's Society was just £70 (which I have topped up so that it did at least reach 3 figures).

I enquired (from the funeral directors) how it was going about a week after the funeral - I was writing some letters, & wanted to include the figure - and they said they keep it open for donations for a month from the date of the funeral. Fair enough; allows time for the word to get round a bit, I thought.

Mike says "don't let it worry you", it's like a lot of people don't like giving gift tokens instead of an actual present, but I'm still disappointed.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello:
It is sad!! I now only give a cheque to the relevant charity via Funeral Directors - that way I ensure it gets there!

Is it worth you just mentioning this to one or two close relatives/friends just to make sure - they will soon admit to contributing and if it isn't on the list

I do not think mention of gift aid would have bothered me - in fact, it would please me that my donation could be stretched a little.

Best wishes Jan

 

[Brucie]

I'm thinking that for many people, there's a difference between charity giving, and giving one's respects to someone who has passed on. The two are just in separate areas of their minds.

One is personal, the other, not so much personal.

The sum of donations says nothing about the respect in which a person is held by family or friends - and it is that respect that is the important thing, at a funeral and in life.

... just my thoughts.

 

[Tender Face]

Hello:
It is sad!! I now only give a cheque to the relevant charity via Funeral Directors - that way I ensure it gets there!

Thanks both of you - but that is precisely the point BeckyJan - and if we know one cash donation was passed to the Funeral Director on the day - with witnesses - and is not accounted for how many more may have gone astray?

Sadly, Lynne - my hubby is the opposite to your Mike and is murmuring Police investigation!!!!! (And you thought I was cynical!!!) He too has mentioned BeckyJan's idea of discreetly asking at least one or two close people who we are certain would have given a donation ..... but how can I do that without offending them? For all I know they have donated zillions directly to the nominated charity and by-passed the Funeral Director? I have wondered about contacting the local branch of the charity to see if they could track down any 'direct' donations in mum's memory ......? But then some more 'scattered family' may not necessarily have donated to the local branch?

It's just a horrid, awful, sad situation ... and I urgently need something to happen today to reinforce my faith in human nature!!!!!

Karen, x

 

[Tender Face]

The sum of donations says nothing about the respect in which a person is held by family or friends - and it is that respect that is the important thing, at a funeral and in life.

... just my thoughts.

Absolutely agreed Brucie ..... and I was over the moon at the number of people who turned up to pay their respects to mum ..... but you sense I am smelling a bl**dy big rat here?

Between raising my eyebrows at the statement from the Funeral Directors today I was also choked to see people named who I know are scraping by on a pension and see the contributions they made ...... which is another reason - it doesn't all add up?

Sorry, ignore me I have sunk to the depths of cynicism today methinks?

Karen, x

 

[Brucie]

Hi Karen

but you sense I am smelling a bl**dy big rat here?

yes, I see that [now..... before I was just trying to put a different view of donating at a funeral].

I have great respect for your sense of smell! If anything HAS mysteriously done AWOL then it is despicable. I appreciate the dfficulty of asking people who were at the funeral though - it might seem to them as if they were being questioned on their generosity or lack of it.

Good luck!

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

So sorry that you are having a tough day Karen and I hope that something good does happen to restore your faith in human natur.

Love

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

Forgot to send you theseView attachment 3767

 

[Kayla]

At my Mum's funeral, we had a really pretty flower arrangement on her coffin, which was "from us all" and although we were happy for people to send flowers if they wished, we said that we'd prefer donations sent to the Alzheimer's Society or a charity of their own choice.

Some people sent flower arrangements and others donated money to Mum's Church or the Alzheimer's Society. I also received letters of thanks from some different charities later on, but I don't know how much was donated.

People often have to take time off work to attend a funeral or spend a significant amount of money in travelling expenses. We don't have many family members living close to us, so they had to travel quite a long way. The most important thing is that an effort has been made to remember the deceased person.

I attended a funeral recently, where flowers seemed to be the only option and charitable donations had not even been considered. Flowers are expensive and there were numerous, very elaborate and beautiful displays and arrangements inside the hearse, but this did seem rather a waste of money.

I took some money in an envelope marked "Charity Donation", which I put in the Church collection box. Some other people had also brought money for charity. The person had died at an early age from cancer and some of the money which had been spent on flowers, would have gone a long way in helping other families also suffering from that disease. Flowers only last a few days, but even a few pounds could make a huge difference to somebody's life.

It should be possible to trust people involved in working for an undertaker, so if there are any doubts about the honesty of employees, it should be investigated, but there might be a misunderstanding and perhaps people sent donations directly to charity.

I planted a memorial rose in my own garden for my Mum and we also have a wooden garden bench in the Church garden in her memory.

Kayla

 

[sue38]

If people have donated directly to the charity, I think the charity would let you know (in time, AS seem to take a couple of weeks to confirm receipt of my sponsorship monies).

Disappointing if people have not put their hands in their pockets, but at least they gave their time (if not their money) to attend the funeral and pay their repsects.

You have a reason to contact the funeral directors about the missing cash, and you might just casually mention whether there have been any more 'administrative errors' ...

 

[Cate]

Hiya Karen

I think you need to try and separate the emotional side of mum’s funeral, with the business contract you have with the funeral directors, e.g. you employed them to do a service, and part of that service was to collect and distribute charitable donations made in memory of your mum. I would be inclined to write to them asking for a further breakdown because you are aware of cash donation made on the day that are not included in their list.

In addition I would also maybe have a ‘thank you for donations’ published in the local paper where your original funeral announcement was made. So if folk made a donation via another route to another branch they still get a thank you.

I hold my hands up to being one of those folk who got it wrong at a funeral. In advance of my Aunty Joan’s funeral I had pre-written a donation cheque in readiness to give to the funeral director at the funeral. I only discovered it still in my handbag the following day, I simply forgot all about it during such an emotional day. So I simply sent it off to the charity with no covering letter.

Karen whilst you might find it disappointing that the figure donated is not a big as you thought, I don’t believe for one minute this reflects the love and affection friends and family feel for your mum. Please don’t let this cloud the wonderful final tribute you arranged for your mum.

Love
Cate xx

 

[barbara h]

Dear Karen

We gave people the choice of either flowers or donations to the Alzheimers Society but the funeral directors didn't seem to get involved in the donations. The people who gave either gave it to us or sent it direct to the alzheimers Society local branch. If anyone has donated directly I'm sure you will be notified of who donated and how much as we were informed of this.

Hope you manage to get it all sorted out without too much upset.

love
barbara h

 

[Tender Face]

Thanks all for such supportive comments .... I have today sent off a 'nicely worded letter' (not like me!!!) asking the Funeral Directors to 're-check their records' ... with only one guarded comment about 'witnesses to a donation' which has not materialised!!!!!!

I am determined to believe there has simply been an administration error - else the people I entrusted with mum's final care ... well, let's not even go there ....... makes me feel sick to even think about it .....

Love, Karen,

(BTW Kayla - love your idea about a memorial plant .... I know mum's instructions were for 'no memorial' - but even she couldn't be cross at me for doing something like that? )

 

[Tender Face]

Update

Well, the 'missing cash' has magically reappeared ... along with other 'substantial' donations and I am to expect a formal letter of apology .......

I am assured this has been the result of 'innocent error' and the safe-keeping procedures at a long established and much respected 'chain' of funeral directors are urgently under review. For my own sanity I just have to believe that.

The only other funeral I anticipate arranging (God willing) is my own (working on plans now!!!) - and will be bearing this little fiasco in mind as I do so ...... (assuming anyone might think to give a 'few bob' in my memory!)

Thank you again for your support, Karen, x

 

[sue38]

Well, the 'missing cash' has magically reappeared ... along with other 'substantial' donations

OMG

At least your faith in some sections of society has been restored, if not in others...

 

[Tender Face]

(Brucie) ....I have great respect for your sense of smell! If anything HAS mysteriously done AWOL then it is despicable.

What if no-one has a sense of smell or a scrap of evidence or a hint of something 'not quite right' or no-one to look out for them .......?

I am disgusted to the core ...... and poor administration is no excuse to me for the final disrespect for mum .. hey ho - do they all see me coming?

Just need to get closure now on her hospital treatment and then I might rest ...... but how far can potential 'abuse' of the vulnerable extend? It scares me ....... .. including that I can be so naive ... mum is still 'teaching me' ....

Best I can do in her memory is invest the lessons I have learnt ......

Karen, x

 

[jackie1]

Karen, I am so pleased that the money has "turned up" how beeb beeb awful for you to have to go through this on top of everything else.

It has made me realise how lucky we were with my dad funeral in September. Donations came safely via the funeral director, church and direct to us. We were so touched with the generosity especially as many travelled miles to be there. If we were asked we said either flowers or a donation for new brass vases for the church (the other had been stolen!).

Despite being an overworked farmer, flowers were my dad's passion. It made my heart overflow to see his grave covered in beautiful blooms. To us not one petal was a waste of money.

Love
Jackie