Dad refusing to go to bed, change clothes or shower! Suggestions Please

[Abbey82]

Hi everyone,

My Dad is just 60 and has FTD and Alz.

He’s lost all mental capacity and functioning but is physically fit and mobile. He ‘looks’ normal but mentally not. We’ve been trying Respite and they have been great with him but he’s refusing to change and go to bed and he’s refusing to go in the shower or change clothes. He’s been there two nights and hasn’t washed or changed clothes and has stayed up each night with the night staff.

I don’t have such as issue with the sleeping, he catches up during the day but it’s the not wanting to shower or change clothes. He also has terrible OCD and doesn’t let others touch his clothes or possessions.

Thankfully he’s not being aggressive but it can’t go on with not washing/changing clothes.

The respite was only for 2 days but it will be for 2 weeks soon and we are out of ideas! He has also started refusing washing at home too.

I know it’s all new to him at respite and it takes time when changes happen but considering this is happening at home too, I’m just looking for ideas.

Positive reinforcements, telling stories, encouragement...all been tried! We can’t force him as otherwise he is like a normal 60 year old.

 

[Abbey82]

We’ve also tried to shower him and the Home has after his Trazadone when he’s most sedate but again, no go

 

[Banjomansmate]

The Banjoman refused showers at home with carers, in hospital with nurses and now in permanent residential care with care home staff. All anybody can do is try to encourage him to wash, shave and change his clothes, sometimes going back to him a little while later and/or a different member of staff. At least in the care home they do not have the time constraints that visiting carers were dealing with at his flat.

Sadly it is one of the ‘regular’ concerns of new visitors to Meeting Point.

 

[Dano]

I think the washing and showering is something you have to keep plugging away at. As to the changing clothes, I bought some new clothes or found some kit that my OH had not seen for a while and made a big thing about trying some new clothes on which eventually worked. Even if it was just to see if they fitted OK. Hide the dirty clothes discreetly ,walk away, job done. Worked for me.

 

[Bunpoots]

I remember someone on here saying that the only way they could get their dad to change clothes and shower was to "accidentally" spill a drink (not too hot or cold) on him then say "I'm so sorry dad. Why don't you jump in the shower while I find some dry clothes for you?"..

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Abbey82, that is a problem that is so common that there is a Society Factsheet about it. In the hope that you can garner some tips from it, you can read/print the Factsheet by clicking the PDF line of the following link
Washing and bathing (504)
PDF printable version

As a general note I would say that there is the possibility of two things going on with your Dad. Firstly, being put in a strange place for respite may have caused anxiety and confusion that has resulted in him clamming up. Secondly, he may be reverting to old memory - I am just a couple of years older than your Dad and can remember the time when my parents only insisted on a bath once a week so that I was clean for church - your Dad may be thinking along those lines again as that was the norm back then.

Either way, I hope things work out for all of you.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi everyone,

My Dad is just 60 and has FTD and Alz.

He’s lost all mental capacity and functioning but is physically fit and mobile. He ‘looks’ normal but mentally not. We’ve been trying Respite and they have been great with him but he’s refusing to change and go to bed and he’s refusing to go in the shower or change clothes. He’s been there two nights and hasn’t washed or changed clothes and has stayed up each night with the night staff.

I don’t have such as issue with the sleeping, he catches up during the day but it’s the not wanting to shower or change clothes. He also has terrible OCD and doesn’t let others touch his clothes or possessions.

Thankfully he’s not being aggressive but it can’t go on with not washing/changing clothes.

The respite was only for 2 days but it will be for 2 weeks soon and we are out of ideas! He has also started refusing washing at home too.

I know it’s all new to him at respite and it takes time when changes happen but considering this is happening at home too, I’m just looking for ideas.

Positive reinforcements, telling stories, encouragement...all been tried! We can’t force him as otherwise he is like a normal 60 year old.

This is extremely common . To put something into perspective my mother-in-law who lived on her own had carers in three times a day she constantly refused any personal care . The most she would allow any carer to do was wash her feet or her back there was never any showers or baths . As she didn't smell, believe it or not, I never fretted about it . It got to the point where her hair had not been washed for 5 years. Eventually due to her falling ill and a number of other issues she ended up in a care home . Within 48 hours they had her bathed and hair washed.

 

[Sirena]

Have you spoke to the staff at the care home about this? As others have said, it's very common, and I am sure carers will have their own tactics for getting residents washed. It won't succeed every time, but I think you have to change the way you think about it - we're used to having showers and changing clothes every day, but that is much less likely to happen with people with dementia.

I also wonder if he has simply forgotten the sequencing required to wash/change, and is hiding this with his refusal. My mother can no longer remember these sequences and has to be constantly prompted and shown what to do (as you would with a pre-school child). I suspect how amenable she is depends on who is doing her personal care, and the way she's approached.

 

[Jessbow]

Has a male carer been tried- all boys together type approach

 

[Abbey82]

Hi everyone, I really appreciate the replies.

To answer some of the questions/suggestions;

At home we have to remove his dirty clothes immediately and put them out of sight, it's ups and downs at home but normally we can get him washed and we use distraction techniques etc Same with trying 'new clothes' we have all the time in the world to try to convince him, but its different any the home, as great as they have been they cant spend 1-2-1 with him all the time.

In the care home, he just refuses to take his clothes off due to his OCD and possessiveness, hence he cant/wont go in the shower. The care people did try, but obviously they cant be there for hours with him at once, they were very understanding and did try, granted it was the first time he was in for respite, I suspect when he goes back in for 10 days soon that they may push a little more.

It's a fine balance between pushing him so much that he gets agitated but also to a point that he is in dirty clothes, pants etc for long periods of time. Especially if he's not changing into bed clothes at least, then that way at least they could get him into clean clothes. Whilst he's not incontinent yet, he doesn't 'clean' properly, so again days and days in dirty underwear is a concern.

Im not sure we're going to find an answer to it,