Struggling to cope with mum in law

[Puppylove]

Hi, I am new to this but really need some kindly ears today. I am full time carer for my mum in law. We live together along with my husband. She has Alzheimer’s and type 1 diabetes.
My frustration is that she increasingly fights against any kind of request or help. Especially when it comes from me.We had to put her in respite recently and she is still very angry about it. Although she manages to be civil with everyone else. Yesterday she was especially horrible and so I left her to get herself changed for bed. She threw her dirty pad in the bag out into the hall for me to pick up!! Anyway this morning I gave her her tablets and breakfast but did not offer to help her get dressed. She dressed herself and put her dressing gown on over her clothes and slippers instead of shoes. That is how she went off to the day centre. I emailed them to let them know what was going on but feel that they may think I have been cruel. I have cared for her for the past year and a half and am happy to carry on. Do I just take it and let her treat me like it or do I say something.
Sorry long thread and not sure how anyone else can help but as I said I am feeling very low about it

 

[marionq]

A muddle of clothes is quite typical. Resisting help is also common. It is so so annoying but keeping cool and calm is the only way to deal with it. By all means walk away and stay away for ten or fifteen minutes then go back afresh and offer help.

If the whole thing is getting on top of you then there are two other routes:

Medication to make her calmer and more placid

Care home where you can visit and care from a distance

 

[Just me]

It’s hard to cope when someone is being difficult all the time and even if you don’t say anything your body language may be letting them know exactly how you feel which can aggravate the situation.
You say you left your Mum in law to get changed for bed and didn’t offer to help her get dressed. Is this something you would usually do? If so she may be feeling anxious and reacting in a way to get your attention such as throwing the bag out and putting her dressing gown and slippers on. Then again she could have forgotten what to do if you usually help her.
I know if I’m calm and reassuring Mum is much better but if I let my frustration show she can get really confused and anxious. So easy to say and so hard to do.

 

[Puppylove]

Thank you, I know she does not want to go out like that. It’s just so hard when someone is continually negative despite the circumstances.
I think maybe I need to try and do what you suggest and walk away returning a bit later. It’s made me so isolated as my life literally revolves around her. We just don’t get a break. She would hate to go into a care home full time so I need to find a way forward

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Puppylove and welcome from me too. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

Lack of co-operation and tantrums is something That is common and I have to deal with it myself.

A few handy tips can be picked from the useful thread that can be reached with this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[canary]

Could you get carers in o help her get washed and dressed in the morning and then get her ready for bed in the evening? Mu mim lived by herself and wouldnt let carers in and my OH is not yet at that stage, but quite ften people with dementia will do things for others when they wont do them for us.

 

[Puppylove]

It’s hard to cope when someone is being difficult all the time and even if you don’t say anything your body language may be letting them know exactly how you feel which can aggravate the situation.
You say you left your Mum in law to get changed for bed and didn’t offer to help her get dressed. Is this something you would usually do? If so she may be feeling anxious and reacting in a way to get your attention such as throwing the bag out and putting her dressing gown and slippers on. Then again she could have forgotten what to do if you usually help her.
I know if I’m calm and reassuring Mum is much better but if I let my frustration show she can get really confused and anxious. So easy to say and so hard to do.

I normally help her dress and do all her personal care. She was just very angry as I suggested (as I have to every night) to take her bra off before putting her nightee on. I keep very calm generally but I know my tone and body language probably give me away.

 

[Puppylove]

Could you get carers in o help her get washed and dressed in the morning and then get her ready for bed in the evening? Mu mim lived by herself and wouldnt let carers in and my OH is not yet at that stage, but quite ften people with dementia will do things for others when they wont do them for us.

This is definitely one way forward. My concern is that when she had carers in before we lived together she would not let them do everything and would tell them she had washed etc. They would not press the issue which is obviously not good long term for hygiene and infection. Gosh this is soo hard

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Puppylove

I feel for you. And I was thinking the same as @ canary.

I didn't live with my dad but he resisted any help from me (understandably) and when asked said he didn't need anyone to help him get washed and dressed but I went ahead and employed carers for him. They were very good and managed to persuade him to dress wash and dress himself appropriately on the days when he was able and assisted him on his worse days. It enabled dad to stay in his own home for a little longer.

It saved me a lot of stress!!

Good dementia trained carers should have the right tactics to be able to manage and if your MIL won't be persuaded then it may be time to look at carehomes.
Eventually I had to admit defeat with dad. Like you my whole life had been consumed by looking after him. I lived nearby and visited twice a day before circumstances lead him to the carehome. Once there his anxiety subsided and he seemed content although I never imagined he would be.

 

[Witzend]

Re the clothes, I'm sure anyone reasonably familiar with dementia would certainly not think you'd been cruel or remiss.

My mother was usually nicely dressed once in her care home, but more than once I found her in trousers and jumper - but with her nightie still on under the jumper. Staff would apologetically explain that she'd refused any help. TBH nobody would really turn a hair, and knowing that my mother could be very stroppy at times, I certainly never blamed the staff..